I am the sleep czar in my house. I believe in bedtime routines, long and frequent naps on a schedule, and lots of sleep. My children can even recite Weissbluth’s “sleep rules” by heart. As we have had more children — and those children have gotten older — things have loosened up, but only a bit. Bedtime was at 6:30 for my son as an infant and is 7:30 now that he’s in elementary school.
This recent study shows that children who get more sleep function better. Duh.
But I take issue with this little quote:
“Going to bed one hour earlier, that’s not a lot to ask a family, can make a big difference in terms of a child’s daytime behavior,” says Dr. Meltzer.
Not a lot to ask a family. Huh? Really?
Let’s look at my kids’ evening routine:
- 5:30 Full-on sprint mode. I make dinner; the 5YO and 7YO watch something on PBS; baby hangs on me or them.
- 6:00 Dinner time. The kids and I are eating by the time my husband gets home at 6:22.
- 6:45 Our 1YO is melting down and we scurry him off to a 7:00 bedtime. Big kids hit the bath or their evening routine.
- 7:00 Baby is in bed. Begin reading to the bigs.
- 7:30 Big kids in bed. Sometimes smooth, sometimes not.
And they wake up at around 6:30am on school days. So, how could we possibly back that up by one full hour?
What’s it like in your house?
I had the same thought. Not to mention, the appalled looks I get when I tell visiting family (like grandparents) that putting my kid to bed at 8:30 or 9 (or, shudder, later) is way past his usual bed time. They think I’m crazy. I think they’ve forgotten what life with a small child is like…but I keep my mouth shut.
@Susan, I get that all the time.
We live on the West Coast and the grandparents live on the East Coast so, when we visit them, I can lighten up for a few days until they start waking at 5am.
Gosh, our routine is exactly the same except with two kids, one 7pm for 1 yo, 7:30-8pm for 3.5 yo. The 3.5 yo does not nap anymore, the 1 yo takes a 1.5 hr afternoon nap. And they wake up on average 6:30am-7am. I wish I knew how to back it up an hour, but I’m thinking of expirmenting with it around daylight savings time when we have to adjust sleep schedules anyways. Maybe just starting to push it back by small increments. My question for you is…when do you go to bed? I struggle with staying up too late. Once the kids go to bed, I feel like it’s the only time I have personal time for me and couple time with the hubby. I need to push back my own bedtime but it’s so hard!
@laurs, I love sleep. I try to go to bed at 10pm. More often than not, 10pm turns into, “ok, let’s make the lunches or watch one more show (or both!)” and it becomes 11pm.
When Sawyer was a newborn, we’d force ourselves into bed at 9pm because interrupted naps were the norm and sleeping in was not an option. Now we can sleep until 6am most mornings.
But then I ask when do you go to bed and when do you wake up?
Actually, again, quite similar to you. 10pm turns into 11pm or even 11:30pm very suddenly. And up around 6am as well. I can feel the pain from too many nights with this schedule. I’m going to take your post as inspiration for me to try to go to bed at least an hour earlier–maybe that would help my daytime behavior (and coffee drinking habits) 🙂
I would like to give my Kindergartner the gift of a little more sleep, but I too feel like we can’t reign it in any further without making their lives be a sequence of orders, “Eat!” “Get in your jammies!” “Read!”
I have to think that the few minutes we allow in the evening (30?) to just be hanging out between dinner and the bedtime routine is where we are all gelling as a family, appreciating each other’s interests, and hearing each others stories. Already when I make them stop doing whatever they want to be doing to eat dinner, I feel bad when they ask if they can go back to it after dinner and I know it’s likely that we don’t have time. I try to allow that post-dinner down time before the routine begins.
Also? My second grader has soccer practice until 7 pm once a week. Many kids have that twice a week.
Since I have the floor, I’d also like to register a complaint that the Disney on Ice show we’re going to see tonight starts at 7.30. I guess these new sleep recommendations are aimed at folks who don’t have a problem with that.
@Whit, I’m glad you mentioned the evening activities because those throw a wrench into everything. Last night we went to a school “Literacy Night” at the elementary school from 6pm to 8pm. I warned the kids that we’d probably have to leave a bit early but if we stayed the whole time, there’d be no books because of all that good literacy they had all evening.
Baby melted down by 7pm and we left. Big kids got in bed at 8:17. Thanks literacy.
I don’t think you’re the person that statement is aimed towards. I know people who let their 2-3 yr olds stay up til 9 or later, then wonder why it’s so hard to get them to daycare in the morning. I try to get my 2 1/2 yo in bed by 8, but sometimes it’s closer to 8:30 or 8:45. But when I dont get home until 6, there’s really no way to get him to bed earlier unless we fed him quick, junky kids food, then made a real dinner after he went to bed.
@Zarah, I bet you’re right. I sympathize with families who get home later or take it at a slower pace.
Our evenings are already a hustle and we don’t seem to spend much happy quality time together. We go from “no potty talk at the table” to “PAJAMAS…hiss…” pretty quickly most nights.
We’re the same: bedtime for the 14 mo old is 7:30, but, some nights it ends up being closer to 7:45-8p. I don’t think I could get him into bed any earlier if I tried.
He sleeps til 7am, though, so I’m ok with this schedule.
According to the article about the study: Doctors recommend newborns get 15-16 hours of sleep per day.
Children 1-12 months old should get 14-15 hours.
Kids 1-3 need 12-14 hours.
3-6 year-olds need 10-12 hours.
7-12 year-olds: 10-11 hours.
And those 12-18 years need 8-9 hours.
I most worry about the 5 year old who doesn’t take naps and whose bedtime sometimes slides back on a busy night.
My son’s 5 months old, and if gets to 13 hours a day, it’s already a victory. (Even a month ago, 12 hours was the maximum he would sleep.) We did some sleep training, following the Sleep Lady Shuffle three weeks ago, and he’s been slowly increasing his nap times (from 40 minutes at a time to a solid 1.5-2 hours now) and going on a week of no wake-ups at night (at least not ones that we need to attend). This is major progress. Even on 12 hours, he was all smiles all the time, no fussiness. Though the general recommendations are true for the average child, I think there are cases when some kids function best on a smaller or larger amount of sleep.
@jane, I’m glad to hear you’re son is happy. Another mantra we find ourselves repeating is “a well-rested baby wakes up happy”.
I try to get my 4 yr old and 2 yr old in bed by 730 pm. Some nights it’s earlier (if no one has napped) and some nights it’s later (if they both nap until 4 pm or later.) The absolute latest is 830 pm and I really dislike that. My 3 month old goes to bed around 7ish, depending on how things are progressing with the big kids. I don’t have the baby on any set nap schedule yet. My husband is a chef so dinner is me, alone, 5 nights a week. I aim for 530ish to eat and hopefully they get some extra time after dinner to quietly (ha!) play while I can (maybe) clean up. Bedtime routine seems to take so long–jammies, brush teeth, potty, books–and when I am doing it by myself it feels endless. The whole afternoon to bedtime seems rushed and we don’t even have any activities during that time yet.
The baby usually sleeps through the night and wakes up to nurse anywhere between 5-615 AM. The big kids are up at 645 AM sharp and I am typically already awake because of the baby. I am always tired at night and ready for bed at 930 pm but usually don’t actually go to sleep until 1030-11 pm.
Our schedule looks about like yours (but with 2 kids). We *could* slide it up an hour, but that would mean my kids would never see their dad. That’s not a sacrifice we’re willing to make.
Ugh! Sleep is a constant, constant stressor in my life. My three-year-old has always given us a hard time. We recently started him on melatonin to wonderful results! But anyway, I agree with the folks who point out that you’re probably not the target audience for that comment about the earlier bed time. We know several families where the toddlers stay up until 10 or later! Heck, I don’t even like to stay up until ten.
From 5:30 pm, our toddler is in wind down mode. She eats dinner (this takes an hour in our house, does it in everyone else’s?) then at 6:30 we let her play a little, by 7 we’re in the bath, then story, and sleeping by 7:30. It’s a long evening 🙂
@aBitofBrooklyn, I can remember when my oldest was an only toddler, we used to set a timer (sometimes as short as 20 minutes) to speed dinner along. Now it just takes us 45 minutes to an hour because we generally let it run it’s course.
I don’t know if this is true, but I have a personal theory that sleepy parents beget sleepy kids.
My 4 yo and 2 yo go to bed at 7 P. They both wake around 6:45-7:15. My 2 yo naps for 2 hours in the afternoon ( never past 3 pm). We eat at 5:30-6:00. Bath and books from 6:30-7:00. I do this solo since my husband doesn’t get home til 7:30-8:00.
We now have a 1 month old, so I have lost my usual 9 -10 PM bedtime!
My husband jokes that I am draconian about sleep schedule/routine. But it has served us all well, I think. We skip a lot of evening activities…but I really believe sleep is more important to them right now. When they are older, we will have soccer, and other extracurricular activities to work into our schedule.
@Heather, I always notice that my kids are out of sorts when they don’t get enough sleep. You can just leave that study open in a browser window somewhere for him to discover.
At the beginning of the last school year, our then just-turned 3 year old went to bed fairly late (started routine around 8:30), because my husband’s semester (he is a PhD candidate) didn’t allow him to get home before 7, and we didn’t want to sacrifice their time together. However, this is also when she stopped napping and within a week or so, it was clear that he was going to have to adjust his morning schedule to have time with her here instead. Bedtime routine then began at 6:30. She is now 4, and that is still how it is. So yeah, move it back to 5:30?! Ha! We did the move back already as far as possible:)
So bath at 6:30, pajamas on around 7, 4 books read, and then Mom and Dad are out of there.
We don’t have strict rules on “lights out” so she can read or color on her bed and puts herself to sleep that way every night. Some nights it gets pretty late before she is asleep, but it works out well for us most of the time — she typically is out by 8:30 at the latest and often before 8. And she’s up around 7 most mornings, but sometimes sleeps in until 8. Her sleep has never ever been predicable;)
I echo what Zarah said above. After reading your sleep schedule, I think the only thing you should take away from the article is that you are doing everything right.
Sleep. Putting kids to sleep is torture in my house. Total torture. I was a good mom, I did the “cry it out” “self soothe” methods with my first two babies. That worked until they could get out of their crib on their own. Then all hell broke loose!!! I have finally gotten a bit of a handle on it and my 5 year old will actually go to bed now. I had to cut out ALL TV and any type of screen.
With my 3rd baby we are doing the opposite. Feed on demand, co-sleep, mommy soothe. Hopefully this little one will go to bed when she gets older;)
@Jen, funny you mention CIO (cry it out) because we were quite ruthless in sleep training our first. We tried all the same stuff with #2 and he beat us most of the time. #3 slept with us at first then in the swing and now in his crib. He still cries at night when we lay him down before settling. I think we’re just super fun people and he doesn’t want to say goodnight.
My husband is a night owl, and my son (2.5 yrs) is too. They are up til like 12 am, then both sleep til 8:30 am or 9 am, then are off to daycare and work. My son naps for three hours during the day like a BOSS.
When he drops that nap, then I’ll move bedtime back. How? I don’t know. Until that happens, I’m okay with him staying up – during the week, it’s the only time I see him. On weekends, falls asleep around 5 pm (after skipping nap), and sleeps for two hours, then is up til 11 pm. On average, he gets 12-13 hours a day. And when he falls asleep, we let him sleep and wake up on his own.
I like to sleep at night, so I’m in bed by 10:30 pm, then up around 7:30 am (or 5:45 am, depending on my crazy desire for morning yoga) and at work by 8:30 am.
I’m still kicking my self for every night of not sleeping in college. I mean REALLY!?! Did I think I’d have more time to sleep as a grown up? Glad I at least balanced it somewhat with naps between (or in) classes…
Of course, it could be a “chicken and egg” situation. Do I keep him awake during the day and force an earlier bedtime? Somehow I don’t think day care would be down with that.
Good to know you are super fun! That’s what my blog’s all about.
http://oururbanplayground.com
Your experiences sound similar to mine. Things are finally sorting out with getting my second one to sleep smoothly. The 3rd baby who is 3 months now is super easy. I think because she just is an easy baby, but also because I am so much more chilled out. My girls are 8,5,3 mod.
Love your blog.
I have to say that posts like this one definitely get my stress/guilt soaring. My daughter has never needed a lot of sleep. Even as a newborn or small baby she only needed 12 hours TOTAL for a day. She never ever ever went to bed before 9 pm. I stay at home. There isno reason for me to purposely keep her up late or wake her up early. That’s simply how it is for her.
Now at three years old she has dropped naps and sleeps from 8pm-6am if we’re lucky. I certainly don’t keep her awake. I would love to sleep in past six! Especially since i rarely get to bed before midnight. But that is truly all she needs. We have tried occasionally to put her to bed earlier and all that happens is that she wakes up earlier.
Last night after a particularly long and busy day she fell asleep on my lap at 6:45 and it was a big struggle for me to decide if I should let her sleep or not. She did wake up at 3am ready to go and it took a while to get her to understand that it was the middle of the night and we needed to sleep more.
I have to say it is somewhat offensive for people to be saying you’re a bad mom if your two year old doesn’t go to bed until 9pm.
@Tobasco, My very unscientific theory is that sleepy parents beget sleepy kids. If you or daddy are night owls, your kidd might be wired for less sleep. Yawn.