I was reading an article on SF Gate yesterday called Ten tips for becoming a happier parent because I’ve been a bit grumpy since reading the New York Magazine article All Joy and No Fun. (Why parents hate parenting).
The original New York article catalogs the joys (intense) and the sorrows (frequent) of parenthood. Upon reading this quote: children are “a huge source of joy, but they turn every other source of joy to shit,” I started nodding in agreement. Before I finished reading, I had tweeted and facebooked my solidarity.
But was I a hypocrite now cheering on the opposite sentiment from my book and website? Moms having more fun is my schtick, right?
So, is it really true? Did my children steal everything I loved doing before I became a mom? I have to admit, during that moment of doubt, I needed a little extra help finding the bright side of parenting.
Self-portrait by Jessica Todd Harper, shown with her son.
The happier parenting tip (from the SF Gate article) that I’m loving is this: Hang out with childless friends. These people don’t want to wallow in your mind-numbing chatter about sleep battles or comparison shopping on strollers. These people are still a good time!
Right after you have a baby, you avoid childless friends like the plague…at least I did. I’m not sure why. Maybe I feared that I’d feel jealous of their freedom or maybe I was afraid they couldn’t relate.
That was a mistake because once I started reconnecting with those friends I realized that they are the best cure for parenting overload. And no, it’s not because they can drink more wine. My parent friends are actually heavier drinkers than my kidless friends (wonder why that is?). It’s because they know how to talk about things outside of kids. They actually read the “New York Times” beyond the homepage, see movies in theaters, listen to the latest music, and have travel plans beyond going to Hawaii and Tahoe.
And if you want to talk about your kids, these childless friends listen and admire you for trying to be such a good parent, rather than giving you the name of a great child psychiatrist or telling you that you should read such and such parenting book.
You might need to find some stuff to talk about, but we know you can do it!
Read more:
Activity #107: Have some adult conversation
All Joy and No Fun. Why parents hate parenting.
Ten tips for becoming a happier parent.
I also got a bit bummed out by the “All Joy…” story, but I took heart in this idea that there are different kinds of happiness.
1. In the moment happiness. (We call this “fun.” Somewhat elusive when your child is screaming in the back seat for more bunny crackers.)
2. Happiness that comes with a sense of meaning and purpose.
Many of us are doing great on #2, but need to work on #1.
I wrote about this more here: http://wp.me/pVKXl-kv
That was a LONG article to read. I had to break it up in 2 days. Once I completed reading it, I can relate to BOTH sides. Overall, keeping in touch with childless and unmarried friends can be a blessing and a curse. Just be sure to keep in mind what the limits are and everything will work out just fine. I host a monthly ladies ONLY night where we get together to discuss any and everything EXCEPT for our kids, spouses and pets. We are ONLY allowed to discuss OURSELVES and what our goals are all about. It’s working like a charm to keep all of us focused on NOT BECOMING just our family identities. Sorry for the LONG comment. I will stop now
[...] Hanging out with friends – When my husband and I are able to coordinate a double date with friends, it’s like the best thing ever. It takes me back to the feeling of being younger when we went out whenever we liked — which was often. When we see our friends with all the kids in tow, it’s also fun, but a different type of fun. I prefer the put-on-earrings-and-lipstick-and-be-able-to-make-eye-contact-with-friends type of eveni…. [...]