I am not entirely unaware of the current dialogue in parenting circles about the dangers of excessive, unearned praise. And I am quite likely ruining my kid’s ability to accept criticism or find intrinsic motivation to work hard for anything, but so be it. Allow me to share with you two instances in which I felt I had to protect Julian from the ugly truth about his shortcomings and smother him with praise.
Example 1: His passion for magic.
For Christmas, the little dude received a magic set. He fancies himself quite the performer and spent a lot of time over the holidays walking up to our relatives and pulling coins out from their ears. He also used the tools in the magic kit to do tricks. He is five years old and not yet a believer in the old adage “practice makes perfect.” He would prefer to whisper the secret about his trick in your ear and then botch the trick in front of you, still expecting to see an amazed look on your face. Well, what is the appropriate response?
Like his other relatives, I presented him with my amazed face. Oh yes, I did. I did not say, “Julian, it is quite obvious how you did that.”
When he held up two coins between his fingers and told me that there was only one coin that he was about to turn into two, I did not say, “From the clumsy way your five-year old fingers are holding those coins, I can see that there are two of them.”
I said, “Wow! What a cool trick.” Or maybe I said, “I love you unconditionally, even if you suck at magic.” What’s the difference?
Example 2: A game with right and wrong answers
He received another gift: a game with the characters from the PBS show Super Why, of which we are big fans. It’s sort of a Candyland-style game, but the cards that you draw have reading skills questions on them. The players keep their cards if they answer the questions correctly and do not keep them if they answer incorrectly. So let me be clear, this is an educational game for kids as young as three, with questions about phonics, and children are penalized if they guess incorrectly. And if they are playing with a parent, or an eight-year old sibling, it’s not exactly a level playing field, is it? Is it possible that sometimes an eight-year old would be unable to point to the first letter of the word “Kite”?
So, when Julian’s turn required him to provide a word that rhymes with drill and he said, “she’ll” as in “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain”, I sure did tell him he was right on and let him keep his card. For one, we pretty much pronounce “she’ll” as shill ’round these parts, and second, I thought that was quite an inventive rhyme and I praised him for it.
I did not say, “She’ll sounds a little different, actually. A better rhyme is ‘fill’ or ‘hill’. Now, you can’t keep that card, so at this point, it’s unlikely you can win the game.”
If he grows up to be a whiny little bitch, just blame it on me, ok?
“If he grows up to be a whiny little bitch, just blame it on me, ok?”
I love it! And I agree. How is it bad to give a child praise? This sounds a lot like “if you pick him up whenever he cries, he’ll just expect it,” “she’s going to be taking that pacifier to college” and “if you let him in your bed, he’ll never leave.” I just don’t buy it.
Thanks for these true examples of when being brutally honest with constructive criticism may NOT be the best course of action. Sounds like you were right on to me!
I could not love this post more. Nicely written, Whitney, and thanks for sharing!
amen sister!
(although if my daughter grows up to be as tone deaf as my husband, I will let her know… that way she won’t become the laughing stock of the 2030 american idol auditions. There are times when honesty IS the best policy.)
Obviously, you didn’t start him off correctly with infant flash cards. *tsk*
Seriously though… a game that sets your kid up to fail and then you get to reinforce that they fail? Sounds like a fail-game to me!
Very well written… and very well played, ma’am!
I know there’s some tongue-in-cheek action going on in this post, but that being said, I just have to respond to it as a kindergarten teacher and mom who (hopefully) doesn’t take herself too seriously. Firstly, I think you absolutely should take “she’ll” as a rhyme with “drill” for the exact reasons you gave! He’s hearing what we say, not how it’s written, and that’s right on! Secondly, I think the debate with praise is centering around *empty* praise and does not advocate brutal honesty and making your children cry. I’m not an expert, but from what I gather, instead of saying “Wow! Good job!” when your son does a magic trick, you can say, “Wow! I can tell you just love magic!” or “Wow! I can tell you’ve really been working on that!” praising his effort and passion instead of the product.
Now I just love the same part Jessica does. Because you know if he is a whiny little bitch, we will all blame you.