When a discussion of using a housekeeper exploded over on The Happiest Mom, I was taken by surprise. More than a hundred women commented on Meagan’s post about outsourcing housecleaning. Many felt too guilty to consider it and more than a few took a stand against it.
My husband and I have a cleaning person come to our house twice per month, and we also have someone who mows our lawn and tends to our landscaping every other week. When Meagan’s commenters started accusing women who outsource household labor of spending their time and efforts on the wrong things, I started making a mental list of all the things I outsource that I could be doing myself.
I could grow all my own vegetables, but I buy them at the grocery store.
I could change my own oil; I’m sure my dad would be happy to teach me how.
I could hem dresses that are too long for me, but I take them to a tailor. Heck, I could sew the dresses myself, but it would take so long, they’d fit poorly, and buying the fabric and notions would probably cost as much.
But I don’t do those things, and I don’t feel guilty about it.
About every two months, I get a pedicure. And if less time has gone by, say six weeks, it’s possible that I will have not cut my toenails in between visits to the nail salon. It is then that I laugh at myself and think “Who am I that I outsource the cutting of my toenails? That’s just plain weird!”
(Yet I outsource my eyebrow maintenance, and I don’t feel uncomfortable about it.)
I know I might get blasted on this post for confessing these behaviors, as a commenter on The Happiest Mom wrote underneath my comment
Because you have soooo much more pressing things to do with your time (making your own notepads–good grief–and going to mommy “summits”) it’s great you have “Maria” (gee, I wonder, could she be latin/hispanic?) to clean your house. Does nobody else find this nauseating?
I don’t feel I have to defend the way I spend my time to a stranger, so I won’t go there.
I actually have made a handful of articles of clothing for myself with my sewing machine. Once, I made a potholder. I went through a beading phase and made necklaces. And now that I have kids came along I make things for them. Because it’s fun.
Usually, however, I buy things for myself already made. Isn’t this outsourcing? And usually I take my car to a car wash. (And when I am working, another woman puts my child down for her nap.)
Somehow, outsourcing housecleaning and childcare are the hot buttons. I’m guessing folks aren’t judging each other for buying bottled lemonade instead of making it from lemons.
When I hear people express guilt over hiring help, whether it’s for cleaning or childcare, I want to relieve that guilt for them. But we can’t tell each other how to feel.
So tell me, do you cut your own toenails?
I truly believe that people who make comments like that are just jealous.
Anyone who did everything for themselves (and was happy about it) wouldn’t have time to make such comments.
Some people are just so unhappy, they want everyone to be unhappy. I don’t have time for such people.
oh.. and to punditdad, your post made me think of all the people out there who wish someone would call them and book their housecleaning. Because they need the money they will get from cleaning that house.
Why don’t people ever think of it from that point of view? I tried to sew on my husbands’ stripes, but I couldn’t get it right. Turns out there’s a reason someone makes their living doing that.
You’re employing people to do things. They make a living because people need them.
The phrase “it takes a village” comes from Africa. I don’t model my life after much that goes on there. Total overused and ridiculous concept. Especially when the working moms try to act like their daycare is “the village”…yeah right, whatever you say!
I cut my own toenails only under extreme conditions, like every nail salon in a 50 mile radius has blown up. We didn’t outsource anything and the weight of our life forced us to consider our one income and finding room in it to payfor help. We don’t have grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. to help with watching the kids while we do selfish things like go to a dentist appointment. We found we we’re negotiating our time between in terms of childcare. So we hired a nanny 2 days a week. I can not even start to express how this has changed our lives — we can date again, I now have time clean and cook and be the mommy I am because our nanny is outside playing with the kids and having a great time.
I think outsourcing help is a true sign of sanity, and those who look down on us those who seek outside help are simply in denial — ps, they’re not doing it all, everything has a price. We just chose to pay ours upfront with a salary
[...] loved Whitney’s take on the housekeeper hullabaloo over at The Happiest [...]
Thank you! For the post and for all the comments! It’s time to stop judging each other as well as ourselves.
We’ve had a service to clean our house for a few years now. I’m quite convinced that if we did not, we’d be living in a state of filth that I’m quite uncomfortable with. We’re not irresponsible – we are just busy and really don’t like to clean. Instead, twice a month, I get to come home to the smell of a clean house. Ahhhhh.
Just this month, I have hired a sitter to come a few days a week for 2 hours in the afternoon. It took a major meltdown for me to finally admit that I needed help. I’m a stay at home mom. That’s my job. So why can’t I do this on my own?? Um…. for starters, my husband travels so much, I was really feeling like a single mother. And we don’t have any family near us. I have wonderful friends, but they all have kids about the same age as my own. There are plenty of times when I could do it all. But if one thing goes wrong – like I get sick (which is what brought about the meltdown), I’m totally stuck. I felt guilty at first. But it’s making all the difference! I’m keeping the clutter under control, making better meals for my family, and just having some time for myself. When I come back to my son, I’m a happier me, and he’s happy to see me. So no more guilt! No more judgment!
Oh, and I get a pedicure about once a month… otherwise my toenails grow too long!
“To each their own!” That said, we can now afford to have someone come in and clean our house once a month, I am ecstatic! I don’t have the time to get things as clean as I want them and this rids me of some stress. My husband is ecstatic because he doesn’t have to deal with my frustration or mopping the floors! This is a win-win. Everyone has their things that are important to them; pedicures, house cleaning, frozen meals, cable. Who are we to judge others, I only know my economic situation, I only know my family, and this works for us! No guilt for anyone!
Oh Emily, I agree with you too! I have hired myfriend who has a cleaning service, I love that I can also help someone else out!
I just can’t believe the gall of the commenter that replied to you. She sounds off her rocker, really.
1) I cut my own toenails (except when hugely pregnant), but that’s because I enjoy doing this myself. I have a huge nail polish collection, I change colors often.
2) I had a housekeeper every 2 weeks for about 2 months. She was WHITE, not hispanic, and I thought she did ok. My husband (a total neat freak) wasn’t too happy with her work and was constantly re-cleaning the bathrooms after she was here. I was paying her to do them so he would have more time with our family, so the whole purpose of spending about $200 each time was negated (I have a big house I guess? Why did I pay twice what everyone else paid?) She just went out on medical leave to have wrist surgery, so we cancelled on the company. Hubby is now doing it for us again. The money we were spending on the cleaning is being redirected to my daughter’s college fund. But I guess I should have horrible guilt for allowing my husband to do it? He’s much better at it than me by the way.
3) We recently decided that we’d outsource the car washing, since hubby was taking about 4 hours a weekend to clean both cars. And then they’d be dirty 2 days later since we’re in the midwest. He’s decided that spending $20 for the “wash all you want” pass at the car wash 2 miles away is well worth the money and 10 minutes to get it done.
4) I guess I’m also horrible and outsource child care on the days that I work, since my 3 month old goes to day care on those days. But, I’m a pediatric ICU doctor. So, I’m saving tiny innocent lives while I’m there. Does that cancel out the daycare?
I can’t imagine trying make someone feel guilty for outsourcing anything. Everyone has to live with their choices and try to do what’s best for themselves and their families in pursuit of the ultimate goal: happiness. You choose happiness. Person who left that comment obviously did not make that choice….
I wouldn’t worry about people making those comments. Everyone makes choices about what’s important for them to do themselves. I made all of my first daughter’s baby food and am now making some of my second daughter’s baby food. Since I’m working again and juggling a 3-year old girl and a baby girl now, I would rather spend more time with them than time feeling like a short order cook, working mom who doesn’t get enough time with her girls. People’s priorities and areas of pride change. I now outsource most baby food and feel that it’s the right thing to do now. I also have a cleaning lady who does laundry (not in our building), which means the world to me. If she could come twice a week, I’d be thrilled. Our housecleaner is grateful to have work and does a great job so that I can spend more time doing fun things with my family. We can afford it a couple times a month and it’s worth every penny. We each outsource what we can (clothes, food, cleaning help, laundry). Many of us don’t have any family nearby to help us get a break ever, so… paying for some help to get more time with family or for ourselves (to be sane) is worth the expense.
it’s just too bad that others have to put people “down” who do things differently then they do!
i’m a home-maker and while i’m SO thankful that i’m home full-time, i still can’t keep up with everything! often times i feel guilty because i CAN’T do it all BUT i have a loving, understanding husband who helps out a TON (when he’s not working) and would hire a housecleaner in a second, if it made life easier for me! to be honest though, i just can’t justify, in my own mind, spending them $$$ for someone else to come clean my house, when i’m here all the time anyways. we have 4 kids, and they were all born within 5 years. now the ages range from 7-2 and life is quite busy, just taking care of their daily needs! i can foresee taking advantage of a cleaning person at some point in life, just because…and that would be awesome!!!
as for my toenails? in the past i’ve gotten pedicures right before having my babies or going to the beach. since we’re heading for the beach in a couple weeks, i’m soon due for one again, woohoo! mostly, the reasons for the lack of these things, in our case, is due to a one income family…in order to stay home and raise our kids, i’m more than happy to give up these “luxuries”…since for me, that’s what they are. when i DO get a pedicure, it’s a totaly treat and i enjoy every second of it!:)
so that’s just how i/we do those things…i’m so thrilled for you moms who get frequent “luxuries”…since our job is the hardest, those moments of bliss are well deserved!
I don’t see any need for anyone to judge… especially on a harmless issue that doesn’t affect you! In fact it HELPs the economy!
If you are going to be passionate choose a topic that is worth while like recycling or the environment, getting kids outside instead of playing video games… but hiring a cleaning service?? Really?? I agree with the posts above – you must be a really unhappy person if you care about that… must be from all that scrubbing!
[...] same time as it seemed an amazing time-is-money-too solution. It helped me to read a discussion on Rookie Moms, which led to a discussion on The Happiest Mom. Until very recently, Meagan Francis reminds us, [...]
I cut my own toenails. I get pedicures every couple of months; I just prefer to cut my own nails.
We are in the market for both a housekeeper and daycare!
I came across this on your tumblr page (and thus The Happiest Mom article) and I have to seriously thank you!!! I have been in so many tears lately and feeling like a failure as a stay at home mom but reading the comments and realizing that hiring help as a stay at home mom is helping me manage my household since I am the COO of my home as a wife. Delegating tasks in order to attend to the more important things to me and my hubby and to (like our child…hopefully children…anongst many other things) is okay!!! I am a praying woman and this had seriously been an answer to prayer and encouraging to me!!! On to finding some house cleaners and anything else getting in the way of effectively running my house!!!