As a rookie mom, one of the first books I took practical advice from — beyond how to get sleep and keep my infant alive — was The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums, and Tears (Pantley)
- Offer a choice (do you want to leave through the front door or the side door?)
- Play a cooperation game (I can pick up all the red pieces before you pick up the blue ones!)
- Make it talk (Hey, I think your car seat is saying, I want Julian to put his tushy right here!)
- Engage the imagination (Hop to the car like a kangaroo)
- Sing a song (This is the way we wash our face, wash our face, wash our face)
Okay, while previous generations or even people with older children might roll their eyes, I have used most of these techniques on my toddlers. They didn’t cost me anything and often earn me a more peaceful journey to preschool or bedtime.
But 21st century life for kids is even more fun than just having a creative mommy! Today’s children have toothbrushes that light up and on-demand music and tv programs. Seems pretty awesome, right? Today I let Scarlett go to school in her jammies because I was channeling the modern parenting mantra of “pick your battles.” I really don’t think Betty Draper would have sent her child to preschool five days a week allowed her daughter out of the house with footie pajamas and bedhead. Scarlett has it pretty good, being allowed to control when and where she gets dressed because our societal standards don’t demand that she presents herself with combed hair or freshly pressed playclothes. (Plus, she gets to brush her teeth with a toothbrush that blinks.)
When I received news about a brand of juice that comes bottled with a fun plastic character head, I thought, “God! Juice? Needs to be more fun?” Heather, our resident sugar Nazi, said, “Enticing a child to drink juice is not a problem that needs solving.” Right?
Then I got pitched sliced apples that come pre-packaged Mickey Mouse ear containers. Really?
I thought apple slices were doing just fine on their own. Just like markers are fun without fruity scents because you can draw with them!
Now, I get the idea of adding characters to potty seats and pillow cases because using the toilet and going to sleep are not necessarily fun already.
But now that my more uncooperative child is four, and I’m still having to crawl like a kitty to get her to do anything, I’m getting worried. She refuses to do much of what’s asked of her and I have done way more laying down the law, enforcing the consequences, ignoring the resulting tantrums than I care to recall. The easiest way to get a break from the tension is to make it fun, solicit a laugh, whisper, “Whoever doesn’t put their pants on before I count to 23 is going to get tickled,” while waggling my tickle fingers.
Below is a photo taken on a morning that I agreed that sure, she could “dress up like poop.”
And I go back to wondering “Why does everything have to be so much frickin’ fun?”
I have felt myself being sucked into the mindset that I should just try to make unpleasant things fun for my kids, but recently I’ve been wondering if that isn’t doing them a disservice long term. So many of the things that are necessary in life aren’t all that fun (oil changes, laundry, scrubbing toilets, anything involving a spreadsheet) that it seems like a crucial lesson to learn how to do something DESPITE it not being fun. Not that you can’t have a fun toothbrush, but sometimes you just need to suck it up and get in the dang car.
I agree. Making things fun is a good way to defuse tension, but I think it’s important to also teach kids that there are some things we do because we need to. We went through a long phase where my 4-year old would divide every activity into “play” or “not play” and he put up a huge fight about the “not play” activities. It took a long time before I got through to him that even though playing is good, we need to be safe, clean, and healthy, and there is no point in complaining about it. Even though it might not be fun to brush your teeth, it’s more “fun” than having a cavity drilled.
I haven’t read the book, but I do use a lot of those strategies. Contrary to what the previous posters are saying, I actually think giving my daughter some control over her life makes the “needs” or “not fun” things easier. Since she isn’t frustrated out the wazoo, she has more patience for things like brushing her teeth and dealing when I say “no”. I do make sure, though, that she knows I’m the boss and not only her friend.
I read a quote recently (and I don’t remember where I read it so forgive me not giving credit) but it was that kids give you the first 4 years of your life back. So true! One thing about having kids I looked forward to was being silly. If you hopped to your car like a kangaroo people would think you were a nutjob. Add a toddler to the mix? People think you’re a cool mom. It’s like a permission slip to not care what people think of you
My daughter is turning 1 next week, so we are just now getting to the phase where distraction is everything. I had to squeal and ooh and aah at flash cards so daddy could clip her nails tonight. But I wonder, as she gets older, when the time comes for her to do something “not fun”…is she going to have a melt down? Will she “expect” everything to bring her giggles and pleasure? Or does she need to learn to be content in all situations? And how on earth am I gonna teach her that? (sigh…)
Why not? Why shouldn’t everything be fun for children? The grown-up world gets real “un-funny” soon enough. And I firmly believe that toddlers & young children don’t deliberately do some of the things they do after having thought about it for a long time and deciding to be mean or cruel. Childhood is over so quickly so why not let it be fun while you can.
I definitely appreciate your perspective, Solon, but it’s an awful lot of work for parents, and I worry that over time, we are teaching our children that we don’t expect them to do anything unless there’s something in it for them. At some point, we want them to appreciate that they must get dressed and brush their teeth as part of their own self-care duties; they must get in the car because if they don’t, our family will be late.