My husband and I both read some parenting books before our first child was born. He enjoyed Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads, and eventually recommended it to expectant dad friends. I will estimate that compared to him, I read five or ten-fold the amount of educational material available to pregnant people, just because I had the fetus with me at all times and found it difficult to think about much else. The products the company for which I worked launched that year were a bouncy seat and a baby gym, so even my full-time job was giving me insight into the mechanics of life with a baby.
I don’t exactly remember having a sit-down conversation about how we would handle our new responsibilities; who would do the research about hiring a nanny; where the baby would sleep; or if we agreed that Jewish sleepaway camp is a rite of passage every child should experience; but it’s not a bad idea to talk about these things in advance.
If others are like we were, and the pregnant person in the relationship is holding a bunch of parenting knowledge, forming opinions about how things ought to be done, it could create some conflicts when upon baby’s arrival, Mom starts bossing everyone around, using terms like “nipple confusion”.
Yesterday Heather told me about hearing a story on NPR that instructed parents to talk about parenting issues before having a child, and we agreed that it’s impossible to anticipate what those issues are. And who cares about sleepaway camp or discipline when their firstborn has not yet discovered his own fingers? There has to be some degree of play-it-by-ear, although it would be ideal to talk about expectations ahead of time.
Perhaps labor and delivery is a good place to start. Who would you like to be present? What role do you expect grandparents and aunts and uncles to play? Perhaps you imagine having privacy during recovery, while your partner would like his parents to be there all day celebrating with him? Do you want your mom around, while your spouse is hoping to be your number one supporter without help from others? Do you both think the time you’re taking off from work will be dedicated to learning how to care for the baby or do you have other projects you’re hoping to squeeze in? Are there religious traditions you are assuming you’ll follow to welcome the baby into your culture? Where will you spend Christmas, Easter, Passover, three-day weekends?
Yes, it does seem like there are some things to clear up.
If you could instruct expectant parents, based on your own experience, on which topics to discuss before baby arrives, what’s on the list?
As you know I’m expecting soon, and we have talked about a LOT of these things in advance – knowing full well we could totally change our minds when things actually happen. We got a lot of advice from parents who said things like “talk in advance about expectations of sleep, work, housework, etc – we didn’t and it was hard for us in the beginning.”
Our theory is that if you at least know where the other person is coming from, or what they are imagining/thinking about these important things, it will be easier to carry on making choices together when you are sleep-deprived and dealing with so much change. So I would say we talk about our ideals – like ideally how we would like to deal w/ sleep training, ideally how we would like to deal w/ splitting responsibilities, ideally how we would like to deal w/ who will work and when, ideally how and when we would like to travel, and so forth – knowing that those are ideals but not absolutes since obviously the actual baby will change so many things when he gets here. Still, knowing what your partner is imagining will happen seems to be a place of strength vs. not having a clue about how he or she is thinking things will go. Sometimes when we talk it becomes clear my husband has not realized certain things – eg how much physical help I might need after C-section, when might be an appropriate time for in-laws to descend based on practical considerations, what to expect realistically from my mom, etc – and I feel much better knowing we have a foundation to work from and won’t have to start at the basic level on these topics when we have a 1 week old.
But we are lucky because we are coming to the baby party so late, so we have so many examples of what has worked (and not worked) for other parents, so our conversations can be based in real-life examples and not Pollyanna-esque scenarios.
I think it’s important to discuss childcare – both after maternity leave and in general when babysitting is needed. We had very different expectations and needs in that department, and I wish we had discussed it further before having R to save precious time now.
Also, while you don’t know whether you’ll be a schedule follower or flexible type of parent, it’s good to discuss both.
We talked about the broad stuff: what type of parents did we want to be, what type of experience did we want our kid to have and how we wanted to maintain our commitment to each other (instead of our only identity being “mom” or “dad”).
What helped is that we read the book How to Have Your Second Child First which gave us insight to other’s parenting experiences and figure out what side of the spectrum we were on.
Look into baby sign language and elimination communication (google it).
But more importantly, talk to your partner about the how to deal with day to day conflict. Try and discover a way to talk to each other about disagreements. If you want something done a certain way with the baby don’t talk from a place of certainty, try a talk from a place of co-designing how you both care for your baby. Also, a very handy trick is knowing when to put a conversation “on hold”. It doesn’t mean you don’t care and it doesn’t mean you disagree, its just a way to say, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed can we come back to this later?” It’s a gift you give to the family. A way to move toward peace when you know you are starting to get reactive.
Things I wished we had talked about ahead of time: each of our expectations about balancing how much we work vs. how many hours our child spends at daycare, how we would handle the ensuing change/imbalance in our financial situation (bc mom is working fewer hours, thus making less money, when before we were contributing pretty much equally), and maybe more about what our own childhoods were like and what we would like to do differently or what we’d like to replicate.
Interesting discussion topic – I’m eager to see what other folks have to say.
My wife and I talked about this stuff before we had our first child. Sadly, of course, nothing worked out the way we discussed. Nothing.
Someone on twitter suggested discussing who gets your child in the event of your death. Morbid, but great idea. Seven years into parenting and we still haven’t figured that one out!
Also, all of the things that we did discuss turned pear-shape once the baby arrived.
He: I’ll work so you can stay at home.
Me: That’s great!
(reality: I wanted to go back to work by 5 months so much!)
Me+He: Breast is best.
(reality: it was best but soooo hard!)
Me+He: We will follow Babywise and get this babe on a schedule
(reality: baby had other plans for us)
I truly believe that having a foundation of open communication is sooo important, so maybe just having the conversations was a good thing even if we went back on everything.
I wish we had talked about whether we wanted house guests right away, or whether we wanted to lay low and nest for a while (turns out, it was the latter). That would’ve helped set expectations between us, and between our families–especially the grandmas!
Everything we decided on (natural delivery, nursing, not co-sleeping, etc.) Seemed to flip-flop all too quickly. So flexibility is key…but the one thing I wished I had been firm on was “I have been in labor 23.5 hours. Get our parents out of this room and let me sleep!!!”
Suggest Moms and Dads write “Top 10 List”. Focus on accomplishing 10 goals each. If family members ask why or try to change item on list, Mom and Dad explain, “No can do. #3 on list, and we made a plan.” Note, suggest #1 be agree to agree.
List can be amended w/ time and experience. Record journal of comments, cause and effect during this time, as years from now, you will enjoy the memories of new parenthood together. Establish communication, as new Parents. Your Baby’s health depends on it!
Breast feeding! I just assumed that any reasonably well educated person would see that the breast is best and do whatever to support that. Wow, was I wrong. I felt betrayed and criticized by my husband and didn’t exactly process that well at 7 months pregnant.
Spanking. That’s another big one too!
Jamie,
Spanking! Put that off until baby 2 yrs. That will change!
Breastfeeding is Mom’s department. Thanks for sharing, Dad.
If you can compromise on covering chest area for privacy, good
work.
Use this Blog-ster, as 2nd opinion. Make a game of it for New Dad.
Cheers and enjoy the new beginnings!