I can hear myself telling a co-worker that having a fifteen-month old is more exhausting than having a newborn. It was a revelation I could hardly believe. She was pregnant and letting me know that she was aware of the tough stretch that was ahead of her.
I had a new walker, and I felt like I was in a permanent squatting position, holding a pose more strenuous than anything I tried in yoga, ready to catch my clueless climber at every turn, remove choking hazards from his reach, and carry him as much as he would let me because putting him down meant embarking on a game of chase. A baby who laid around all day was easier, I felt certain.
Or was it?
Is it possible I could no longer remember the exhaustion I felt from interrupted sleep, nursing, and a bleary-eyed sense of “Am I good enough for this mothering job?” and “Am I sucking at my paying job?” hanging over me all day long?
When I have teenagers, will I think, “Am I good enough for this mothering job — and is it too late?” Will I be tossing and turning each night, wondering if I should have helped them with homework more — or less? Will I think the mindless activity of scrambling after a toddler is easier than deciding if access to a car will reduce my almost-adult’s chances of surviving college? If spending the summer as a camp counselor is enough responsibility? If making dinner for my teen is disabling him from learning to take care of himself?
What about the Terrible Twos? Are they the hardest? Do they really happen at three? Is the Fucking Fours a thing?
For most of yesterday, I thought I was riding easy. My older child had a play date. A family who was happy to have them join him for the afternoon had picked him up from camp. My younger one played at the park while I sat on a bench and admired her ability to slide down the pole, a feat that the boys her age with whom she was playing were afraid to try. “This is pretty good,” I thought. I’m raising good people.
Later, at home, she threw such a fit about a lost bracelet, crying with intentional volume, I wanted to call my husband at work and make him listen to the screaming, just so I wouldn’t feel so alone with it.
I thought perhaps I had discovered another dimension of what makes parenting difficult: the being alone. Maybe what impacts how challenging different stages are is related to how much support one has during that time.
But how can we ever know? When I had a newborn, I thought I was so happy. I didn’t realize how hard the first six weeks were until they were behind me. Same goes for the next three months. Each stage felt like coming out of a dark tunnel, a tunnel I didn’t even know I was in.
I wonder if I’m in a tunnel now.
I love this. Thanks for stepping outside the tip and tricks/product reviews and speaking from the heart.
I feel like each age is hard in a different way, so it becomes difficult to compare them. I found the first two years to be physically demanding. As they’ve gotten older, I find the difficulties to be more emotional and time management based.
I think it is also highly dependent on the child/children as well. I found the newborn age SO HARD because I had one colicky refluxy baby with eventual ear tubes who vomited all the time and another laid back baby who happened to wear a helmet and be in physical therapy. And they went to day care so they were sick all the time and we rarely slept.
In comparison, most other ages felt easier…until kindergarten when we struggled all year with Alex. He was finally diagnosed with ADHD. Now he’s on meds and first grade is going awesome. Kindergarten with Nate was a breeze. I can’t even say age 5 was a hard age… it was a hard age for Alex.
I don’t know. Maybe it depends on the kid. Maybe you can never know until it’s behind you.
This weekend, I told my husband that juggling the 11-month old was so hard that having the other two around was negligible.
I heard, from a mutual friend, that seven year old boys are so bad that “even the dogs don’t like them”. Then that same crazy-making 7yo will turn around and help me with my coffee and clear the table.
I’m sure it depends on the kid, but in my limited experience (kids are 18 months and 5 years) the hardest is that period around 2-3 when you never know when they will suddenly turn on you and launch into a massive, screaming tantrum. Wrong spoon? Duck!
Laura, your time management observation is astute. Having space in our lives to even figure out that a kid needs support for ADHD is a lucky thing. And then to pursue treatment. Mucho time needed! So glad first grade is going well!
It’s so interesting to read everyone’s different “hardest age”. It has definitely depended on the kid for me too as each of my boys has been more or less difficult at different ages, but I found the 18-30 months stage very difficult with both of my kids. They both had the ability to climb and and circumvent all child-proofing at that point, but not the common sense to know what could kill them. I was always frazzled because I felt like I was barely keeping them out of the ER at any given moment.
@CM, my toddler was always so set off by the bite of food that I just ate; that was definitely the one he wanted most!
I think it depends on the kids, but also on the parent! With all 3 of my kids (now ages 4 and 17-month twins) I found the first year the worst. So much more to worry about, from SIDS to milk supply, plus the lonliness that you mentioned since they can do little but cry at that age. But around the 15 month mark, there was this explosion of language, exploration and playfulness that I find so much more rewarding. And, the older they get, the less crap you have to haul around! I admit, though, that I am dreading the teen years. 3 teenagers in the house at once?!? Yikes.
Great post! I am a new mother with a new found respect for all mothers, as I’ve come to know the many challenges they face on a daily basis. I have a 3 month old and didn’t realize how demanding, both physically and mentally, the first three months would be. You have to be superwoman to do it each day… And we do! I hope it does get easier though
!!
I like to say, “it gets easier… and then harder again” — I’m such a cliche.
I have a 14 month old and am 7 weeks pregnant with #2. My feeling throughout has been that the hardest age is always right this minute. Just when I think that some things might be getting easier (ability to communicate) I am reminded of the things that are not progressing at all (chronic constipation and milk sensitivity). I’ve stopped telling myself it will get easier. I won’t believe it til I see it.
I have an (almost) 12 yo step-son, a 13 mo old daughter, and a little boy on the way in just 6 weeks… I have to say, I got to skip most of the little kid time with my step-son, but since I butted into his family when he was 8, he has been an absolute joy.
My daughter on the other hand… My husband was in Afghanistan for the first 5 months of her life, and she had reflux. Despite that, I think she’s more difficult now! Somehow, she seems to have started her terrible twos at 10 months. She walks, runs, gets into everything, screams when you tell her no, screams when you take away what she wants (and when you give her what she doesn’t want), throws food on the floor when she’s no longer hungry, absolutely hates having her diaper changed, and refuses to eat unless she’s allowed to do it herself. On the other hand, she can also be blissfully sweet, letting you forget how awful she’s been the rest of the day – she’ll bring you her toilet training seat so you can take her to potty, give you a kiss when you ask, spontaneously hug you, “help” by putting away her toys and closing all the cabinets and doors, share nicely with her older brother, and giggle delightfully.
So while I’m tempted to call her age now the most difficult age, I think it really depends on the day and on how well our moods align.
Wow. I am a first time mom and I remember thinking that I was prepared for a little one while I was pregnant and then after a week of nights when I was up at 3am with a crying baby I thought my days were never going to get better. They did get better as she and I started to figure each other out but then she became more and more challenging with each new thing that she’s learned from crawling then walking to communicating her wants then getting mad when I tell her “no”. It started to seem that the more I helped her figure out things to make our lives easier, the harder it got. Some of my mom friends were joking that they want to postpone their kids learning to crawl and walk as long as possible to make it a little easier to manage their kids.
My little one is only 1 and a half an I am gearing up for the terrible twos…I know I am not ready. She is already showing signs of tantrums coming and has learned to say “no” all to well.
Although, when I reflect back on it all now, It has been fun participating in her growth. The things that she did a few months ago to frustrate me now feel like a fun memory. I hope that the cycle continues.
I have noticed that as soon as it gets close to my son’s half birthday, he gets harder to handle and is on a learning curve like nobody’s buisness! He’s 17 months now and the pre-talking, angry toddler phase is kicking my ass on the daily! Lots and lots and lots of whining. I will be grateful when two things occur: he is down to one nap (so we can exist outside our home, which is the ONLY place he’ll sleep in the daytime hours) and he can talk/express himself more (less whining…hopefully…) You were right on about the tunnel thing with the different phases and stages. Newborn was a walk in the park to me compared to toddler time. But, I’m also sure that every child/parent combo is a bit different, too. Time to go see what my dude has ruined or broken in the time I have spent typing this comment!!!
IMO, the hardest stage is the first nine weeks of becoming a parent- or at least it was for me. I’m a mom of 1 (and a half). My son is 19 months and my other munchkin comes Lord willing in 8 weeks, give or take. The time before my son slept through the night consisted of constant fatigue, post-partum ickiness, grumpiness, breastfeeding woes, getting the hang of this parent thing woes, spit-up, tears, tantrums (no, not from the baby) etc. I’m hoping this beginning stage is a lot better the second time around (but I’m not really looking forward to it.) Hopefully I’ll kind of know what I’m doing a little better, or at least know what to expect. I remember when my son was three months old, and miraculously sleeping through the night, I thought, “Hey, I think this is okay. I kind of like this.” And of course there were (many) ups and downs since that time, but it got better from there. Sure, an 18-month-old gets into everything and often drives you nuts because “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PLAY QUIETLY BY YOURSELF????” but I would take this any day over those tough first 2 or 3 months. I guess I’ll see what happens in the next stage! Every day and every stage is a learning experience.
The hardest age is highly dependant on your child and what else is going on in your life. I have a five month old exclusively breastfed boy who sleeps terribly. I keep getting mastitis which has affected my milk supply, and he wants to be held ALL the time. My first son was the easiest baby. He bottle fed put himself on a schedule, and sisn’t care if he was laying by himself. But now, he has a speech delay at 33 months, so screams, hits, pinches, not to mention climbing everything and making my life a living hell because I’m not sleeping. That being said, I started him on Omega 3 fish oils and he behaves, and is much more pleasant to deal with. I think both these ages are the worst because I deal with them both by myself! Every day. Except the weekend when hubby is home
@Rachel, glad you found us here. Your situation sounds really challenging. I hope you can find companionship in other moms somewhere, whether at the park, library or online so you don’t feel alone.
My high anxiety son has been hard from 3 on. My
diva-diculous daughter has become high maintenance the last few months and full of temper tantrums. For me, the hardest age so far has been 3. I’m sure there will be harder years to come though!!
Great. Great. Great. Thank you for pinpointing it! The “alone ” part. Sometimes before husband comes home I’m bordering insanity!!!
It seems like each age has its challenges. With my son 2 to 3 was horrid, I threatened to send him to live with his Grandparents in Florida. 4 was great. 5 is like 2 with a better vocabulary. Plus now that he is in Kindergarten I have all that to deal with. The other day he said the kids call him a cry baby and tease him. Pretty much broke my heart. So in some ways it is harder to have an older kid. But the 9 month old is hard in her way with sleep, crying etc.
Awesome post! The being alone part does make it seem hard at any age. When I’m having one of those rough days, I’ll text my husband an image of the “bad” thing my little one is doing. For example, my toddler decided to dump his entire lunch out and proceeded to pour milk all over it. Makes me feel a little better he knows what I’m going through.
I have a 15 month-old and can relate. Thin this is such a hard age, the walking, into everything, never want to be put in anything ( cries if put in saucer or crib) , the stuff going in the mouth. I have 2 older kids and don’t remember it being so hard. Also the temper tantrums already. Was just thinking glad didn’t have a newborn had to get up with, and he woke up screaming and wouldn’t go back to sleep. I ended up on the floor in his room sleeping, afraid he would wake the whole house. Did not want to be held/rocked. At least when he was a baby could feed him and he’d sleep again. Although I am forgetting already the every 2 hours up and the sick baby who had me worried for 2 weeks before went to hospital. Every stage has it’s good or bad but think terrible 2;s ( but starts after 1st birthday to 3-4 it seems with our boys) is the hardest.