When I read an email from Kassandra, a mom in rural Missouri who does parent coaching via Skype, I challenged her to explain to me what a parenting coach could provide that we don’t get already from our friends or other trusted sources. I thought she did a darn good job of answering, so I wanted to share it here.
The short answer is that the services I offer are akin to those of a guide for a pilgrimage, a midwife, and your best-listening friend all rolled into one.
You know your children’s worst behavior that drives you crazy; arguments with your spouse around parenting, family, sex, and balance; stony silence with your parents or in-laws about your kids? Why do these things drive you crazy? How do you react when your spouse is a jerk, your children won’t cooperate, and there are three million things on your “To Do” list? They are all catalysts for your own inner journey. We just need to listen to their coded messages.
At parentcoaching.org, I listen to you without judgment. I help you get honest about where you are now, get focused on what you want, and teach you to use practical tools to create your own reality. Let’s take a closer look at what all that means.
It’s All About You
A good friend can offer a lot that is very complimentary to parent coaching, and yet there is nothing like having all the focused time and attention on you with no need to reciprocate. Most of the time, our mom friends are very busy with their own lives and want to talk as well as listen. It can be hard to get the time and focus each of you need in order to go deeply enough inside to find your own answers.
Parent coaching offers you deep listening. I will listen to you until you are done. Both you and I arrive on our call with the strong intention to support you in resolving your conflict or challenge. Paying me gives you permission to go deep and to focus on yourself and the issue that’s really bothering you without wasting time.
The majority of our time together will be focused one-on-one time where we talk about you. I’ll listen and get to know you then we’ll dive in to the question or concern that brought you to me. I’ll use questions to reflect the focus back to you to help you laser in on your own answers. Your problems are too complex and difficult for me to solve. Only you have the skills and information to do that. I have the skills to help you get to your own answers.
Accountability
Parent coaching also offers accountability. Mom friends often offer us reassurance that they still love us no matter what. No matter how much you talk about wanting to make changes but resist actually changing anything, your mom friends are still there for you. Their unconditional acceptance is part of why they are so valuable.
I offer another kind of value. I don’t need you to like me. I am here to help you change your life. I am here as coach, cheerleader, confidante, sounding board, discreet witness, aural journal, fierce compassionate presence, and guide for your own hero’s journey. I want to work with you to go deep into knowing yourself and help you emerge stronger, clearer, and healthier. I will walk with you as far as you want to go into the fire of transformation and I will help you find your way back out again, changed and reborn to integrate those changes into your life. That’s a tall order for a mom friend to fill.
Invest in the Process
I’ll help you clarify your own dreams and goals; learn new tools for healing your relationship to yourself, your children, and others; get daily practices into place to help you achieve and integrate; and feel confident with the process. On average, this takes about three months meeting once a week and is priced at $600. In this way, I’m like a midwife, supporting you in birthing a new aspect of yourself without taking the birth away from you. Once you know you have the strength and tools to handle the challenges and you know you can do it on your own, our work together comes to a close. I’m always here in the future when you want to tune up your dreams and goals, learn new tools for transformation, or take it to the next level that seems just out of reach. I’m an ‘on call’ teammate, coach, cheerleader, and inspiration.
Your discontent with your children, your relationships, or your life is the catalyst for the journey. Your desires to be the most whole and creative human you can be, to enjoy your children, and to help them be safe and happy are the guiding principles that draw you forward. I am the voice beside you helping you to listen and decode the quiet wisdom of your own inner guidance.
Kassandra Brown coaches parents from Dancing Rabbit ecovillage in rural Missouri. She says that each person she coaches helps her get closer to reaching her dream of living in a sustainable, humane world.
What do you guys think? Is hiring a parent coach something you relate to or do you feel like you have all the resources you need? Have you ever worked with a life coach of any sort?
So she is basically a(n unlicensed) therapist, only focused on parenting.
I don’t mean this in a rude way, just that her description sounded exactly like the value proposition that a therapist offers. We will focus in an empathetic way on you and your problems, and on helping you make positive changes.
I think that could be useful. I don’t think I personally would do it, but especially if you are in a community that tries to force certain parenting norms that you’re not comfortable with, I can see how it would be useful.
I think I could use that service. Most days.
Thanks very much for your comment, CM. I’ve had some wonderful therapists who’ve really helped me and some of the work I do is modeled after what I’ve learned from them. But I always thought my therapists had the answers. When working with them, in some ways, I was waiting for them to tell me what to do, make my life better, or show me the way. As a parent coach, I have some great tools I can help you, as a client, acquire and learn how to use but I don’t see myself as (and I’ll do my best to make sure you don’t see me as) the one who has the answers to your problems and challenges. Through the connection with me I help you connect to yourself and all the different parts of you that have different fears, agendas, and desires. Then we follow your wisdom to create harmony in your system. Once inner harmony is humming along, the rest of your life becomes almost ridiculously manageable.
For a dozen years I’ve been intensely curious about myself and other humans. What makes us do what we do? Why is it that I vow not to yell at my children and then do it anyway? What does it take to create lasting change? I believe I’ve learned enough through this ceaseless curiosity that I have worthwhile skills to share in parent coaching. Parent’s I’ve worked with report positive changes after only a few sessions. I invite you, and anyone reading this, to contact me and try parent coaching for yourself.
As an added bonus, you can try out parent coaching without financial barriers. I’m considering going from a set fee structure to a donation-based pay-it-forward offering and I’m going to try it out here with readers of rookiemoms.com. You get to be first!
The idea? By the time you pay me, you’ve already received the coaching. Now you’re paying it forward so that I can afford to coach full-time. You chose how much this service is worth having in the world. You chose how much to give me. 50 cents? $500? Or anywhere in between. It’s up to you.
Nothing to lose. Harmony to gain. The invitation is open. I look forward to hearing from you.
I’ll be delighted to work with you anytime, Heather! I prefer M-F and mornings are best, but I can be flexible. Skype and phone work equally well to get us connected. Let’s talk soon
I’m a Parent Coach. True story, I left a session yesterday with a mom who has been to multiple therapists in the past few weeks. She said in no uncertain terms that I left her feeling understood and inspired (unlike the therapists). I gave her concrete answers and tools to every scenario she described. It’s all about support and understanding – who doesn’t need that in parenting?
I think the whole coaching trend is a crock. Like CM said, it is basically hiring an unlicensed (and perhaps more imortantly, untrained) therapist.
Just one example of what sounds good, but doesn’t make sense: “Paying me gives you permission to go deep and to focus on yourself and the issue that’s really bothering you without wasting time.” — this isn’t something you need permission to do–if you think that you DO need real therapy.
Parenting isn’t a competition, so let’s leave the coaches on the sporting fields where they belong.
@Kassandra, a question that @CM and I had in a side conversation via email is what kind of training is behind the title coach? Anything specific?
This sounds SO WONDERFUL *sigh*… I live very far from all my friends and family, I’m recently married, a new step-mom (a title which came with it’s very own undeserved enemy, and it isn’t my sweet stepdaughter…),I’m a new mom also, I’m trying to find my way in a new section of the country, making new friends, working, etc…..my usual support system tries their best, but we are all in a similar boat these days (new parents) and this boat doesn’t leave much time for chats like it used to! It’s soooo hard when I really need to get to the bottom of something and the most TIME anyone has to offer is a few minutes in between daycare drop-off and work or the few stolen minutes while making dinner, inevitably consoling crying little ones, etc …and while I adore my friends and family, these miniature chats leave VERY much to be desired….I would give anything to have someone actually TAKE THE TIME TO LISTEN and give me their full attention. I’m bookmarking this page for future….as I don’t have the $600. I just had to say what a fantastically wonderful service this is!
Great to hear from you, @Angela. I definitely hear Kassandra’s point about chatting with friends not being quite the same because it’s implicitly reciprocal. I hope you find yourself with more time soon to have more meaningful phone calls with your network. Thanks for being here with us!
Thanks for reaching out @Angela. I know the situation you’re in and resonate that it’s a hard one! In my response above (@CM) I mentioned that I keep wanting to offer my coaching by donation. I’m taking the leap with rookiemoms readers. Would you like to take me up on the offer?
@Whitney – coaching has an assorted group of training and certifying groups. There is a unifying body called the ICF or International Coach Federation. In my opinion, hiring a coach is a bit like hiring any other professional. Credentials can be important and so are a great many other considerations like:
- What do you want to get out of working with someone (coach, therapist, or other) on relationships and parenting?
- What sort of resonance do you feel with that person?
- What is their integrity, philosophy, personal experience, honesty, and character? Do you want to live more the way they do?
- What tools do they have to offer? Are they ones you need?
I’m curious to hear what you would add to the list. What’s important to you? Why (or why not) do you consider endorsement from an authority (certification, degree, or other stamp of approval) to be important?
@Tom – Thanks for giving us your true story. I love helping people feel heard, understood, and as though they have useful tools and ideas. I’m going to take a look at your site with an eye towards collaboration.
@Vicki S – Thank you so much for saying you think coaching is a crock and challenging my credentials to offer support to parents. That may sound like a stupid and insincere thing for me to say, but it is genuine. One of my personal fears is that someone will say things to me like your comment and then I’ll crumple, believe them, and withdraw. I fear doubt from others will convince me that what I’m offering is useless or worse.
When I read your comment and I can hear it as your opinion; I don’t crumple or get defensive; and I can ask myself where your words are true for me – that is a very helpful experience. There is no way I can get through my fears unless I encounter the things I’m scared of. So far, responses to my coaching have been almost universally encouraging. I’m delighted that you’re giving me an opportunity to move through my fear in a pretty gentle and easy way.
To respond to your points: I have not found licensure to be correlated to how helpful therapists, coaches, or supportive friends are to me or to others I know. I have yet to find a certification program that I respond to with “Yes! This is my next step. I absolutely love and resonate with what they are teaching!” Therefore, I am unlicensed for coaching.
I’m also unlicensed for mothering, being a wife, and supporting my friends. I unschool my children. I had a planned unassisted homebirth. These may seem to have nothing to do with coaching and perhaps nothing to do with each other. To me, letting you know these things lets you know that I value my own perceptions, my own sense of my worth, and that I like to do-it-myself much of the time. Many of the most important things in my life are things I’m not licensed, certified, or approved by an outside authority to do. I do them because my experience tells me I’m capable. My experiences with obtaining a university degree and with becoming certified as a yoga teacher (both of which I excelled at) also showed me how little my ability to do a job well had to do with validation by an outside authority.
If a parent is looking for someone to give them play-by-plays on what to do in every situation to have perfectly behaved children, then they definitely should not come to me. You and I probably have more in common on our beliefs about parent coaching than you’d believe.
I use parenting as the lens through which to focus my clients on their inner harmony. Children give parents the gift of reactivating fears, triggers, and old wounds. I don’t need to analyze the source of each trigger in your life. But knowing that parenting will bring old wounds to life gives us the chance to heal them and not let their coping strategies run the whole show. This has some similarities to therapy. Coaching is very results oriented and less concerned with analyzing the source of the dysfunction.
The ideal client for me is already curious about their life, is ready to take responsibility for their own happiness, and doesn’t have to prove they can do the whole journey alone. I’m here offering compassionate presence, non-judgmental listening, and some kick-ass tools to reclaim your own life and happiness. Why not try working with me today?
I think a coach is a great idea for people who need a kick in the ass – the problem is knowing it though, right? I have a friend who asks me for advice and then never takes it – but she’s my friend and I will not force the issue. Still it’s frustrating to hear the same problems over and over – sometimes I think a “disinterested party” might be more convincing than I am!
I’m definitely intrigued. I often go through phases, struggling with different issues with my children. I usually find that adjusting myself, my own behavior, is the number one factor in changing them.
I think this sounds like a great resource for people who need it, potentially myself included.
@Leslie, this makes me think to ask you why you used the word Therapy in your blog title? Do you have effective therapeutic rituals you are in-the-know about? Help us all out!
I am so grateful to have a great support system of friends, so I have never felt the need for a coach.
Also, as someone with a degree in Family Studies and psychology with an emphasis in child development, years of experience working with kids, and as a mom…I would never dream of saying to another parent “Let me coach you!” I am still figuring this all out as I go!
It is a growing trend, along with life coaches, and for those of my friends with psychology doctorates in practice, they find it very concerning, and I’m with them. I have literally seen some parent coach sites where under qualifications it says “I have read many parenting books.” Anyone can do that. It doesn’t qualify you to give parent coaching, and the liability issues are HUGE for parent coaches operating without a license.
So for all those reasons, I wouldn’t turn to one.
I have absolutely no doubt that Kassandra is a great person with good advice and well-intentioned (all your comments suggest so, Kassandra:). So I don’t mean it in anyway as a personal attack — just my personal opinion.
And if someone feels they would benefit from a parent coach, then by all means, go for it! Not everyone is lucky enough to have a good support system with honest advice given, I know. My concern isn’t on the side of those seeking it — it is in the qualifications of those giving it. But if you’re seeking advice and are comfortable with the qualifications/experience of the person, then great! I mean people go on anonymous message boards for parenting advice, so why not this if its something you think would help you:)
This is fascinating to me. There are people in this world who are driven to exploit others and those that are compelled to help others. I personally went into parent coaching because a. I saw the dire need (parents struggling) b. had learned enough about young children and guiding them to know what works and what doesn’t (some of that through reading but most through working directly with families) c. I had a genuine desire to help. I could go on, but will leave with two thoughts: 1. The real question here is: Why is everyone so sensitive about their own parenting? We will all be better-off and less judgmental the sooner we realize that every time we struggle, there is a personal life-lesson to be learned (I learn more and more every day). That’s what parenting is all about. 2. Green eggs and ham.
I do have a question for Kassandra and Tom — as parent coaches, do you have a plan in place/a go-to person when you need to refer out to a psychologist?
This has been the biggest focus of discussion in my talks with friends in my background of study (psychology).
There are certainly times when someone comes to you and you realize that the issue at hand is something that will require more than just parent coaching but also require some intervention for the child, yes? Or more intense counseling for the parent? I’m thinking of someone presenting with Munchausen by Proxy or a child with ADHD or numerous other options that spring to mind:)
This obviously goes along with the liability mention I made earlier as well.
And this isn’t to say that you couldn’t also continue your parent coaching relationship with the person, of course. Just wondering if you also refer to licensed therapists.
Cara
Indeed there are parenting and behavioral issues that are beyond my realm of services and experience. In a (free) initial consultation, I am quickly able to assess that and yes, recommend other professionals. Sincere thanks for your comments, interest, and perspectives!
Tom, that is really great to hear! I’m sure there are many parents who benefit from your advice and support.
Tom – glad you’ve been contributing to this thread and comments over the weekend. I like your perspectives. I’ve been offline – focusing on my own family – for the last 3 days.
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Thanks for asking about backup plans for issues beyond my scope @Cara. Yes, I have a trusted group of counselors, psychologists, OTs, naturopaths, and others to refer parents to if need be. Many of these helping professionals only work with people in person, though which makes it a little harder to make effective referrals. One of the advantages, and in this case one of the limitations, of my work is that it’s almost all done by distance over the phone/Skype.
But in some ways, I think this direction of inquiry this misses the point of the parenting support I provide. I help you, the parent, learn from and work with your own issues that parenting brings up. I am not offering to help you get your kids to behave a certain way. Children’s behavior often does change when even just one parent becomes more centered, less reactive, and more aware of what’s going on for them. If we focus on your children in a session, the focus is on understanding and creating compassionate awareness of the underlying needs that the child is trying to meet through the acting out behavior. Parenting is the field for study and learning.
Glad to hear so many people thinking about what creates effective support for parents and children. I’d like to hear more comments on the support that does work for you. What resources do you already have? And what sort of help would you like around parenting? In an ideal world, what would parenting support look like for you?
What areas of your relationship with your children would you like to feel safer, happier, and more alive in? What needs to change in order for that to happen? What would your life look like with those changes in place? What’s stopping you from creating those changes today?
Kassandra,
I see my life going in ebbs and flows, and thankfully right now it seems to be flowing….and smoothly at that…I am enjoying this portion while it lasts. If the need arises again…I will contact you via Rookie Moms website.
Thank you for your kind offer! You are so sweet. I must stand by my comment above as I can only see *good* coming from your services.
Warmly,
Angela
@ Angela – Glad to hear from you and welcoming contact whenever the time is right for you. I love enjoying the flow and remembering I don’t always have to paddle and direct
Sounds like you do too!
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