I recently sat down with writer Lisen Stromberg to discuss motherhood, feminism, work, and other big, important topics. Who said what on Facebook that week never once came out of my mouth during the hour we spent together, so that was refreshing. But also, she asked me some questions I had never asked myself.
In interviewing me about my journey from girlhood to motherhood, she touched on something I hadn’t given much thought to before. Did my mother prepare me to have a career? Absolutely. Did my mother prepare me for motherhood? Um. Huh?
My mom and stepmom (and dad) all modeled positive relationships, gobs of affection, and enthusiastic willingness to do all that needs to be done for a child, from preparing endless mac and cheese to hosting creative birthday parties to sitting through long gymnastics meets. So in that way, yes.
Did I see motherhood as a role for which I was studying? No.
Frankly, I did not feel unprepared for motherhood. I felt very prepared, planned, and ready. (That doesn’t mean I found breastfeeding easy, by the way.) What I had not given any thought to was the logistics of working and having a baby who did not have his own job to go off to every morning. Somehow, I hadn’t considered what would happen at 7 am each day once my maternity leave was over. I didn’t have a clear picture of life with baby. When I finally realized my baby would be lounging around all day, not knowing how to feed himself or use words, was the first time I understood stay-at-home motherhood. It was not a thing I had seen growing up, nor aspired to as a young working adult.
What my mom certainly prepared me for was being responsible for myself. To work, save, and spend sensibly. To take care of my body. To surround myself with good friends, find mentors, learn on the job, avoid parking tickets, use birth control, present myself well to the outside world. Is there a more specific way she could have prepared me to take care of someone else?
I know everyone has a different experience. Do you think your family helped prepare you for motherhood as much as for other aspects of adulthood? Do you plan to prepare your children for parenting? Or is that even possible?
photo of my mom buckling my shoes, from my wedding: Kirsten Hepburn
Absolutely not. Both of my parents worked, and I went to public school, so I feel very uneducated about life in general. I’m trying to play catch-up now. Whatever I learned was from ridiculous random teachers and other kids my age…what a joke! I did learn from my grandmother about my faith, but other than that no one ever had time to teach me anything about how to choose and apply makeup, how to make friends, how to dress for my body type, what sex was, or even how to apply for college. [My guidance counselor at school didn't even have time to explain how to go about that one...ironic, huh? Turns out I missed all sorts of tests and deadlines and fees before I even figured out that I needed them.] I’m very booksmart, but not life-smart. And I ended up as a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. Ha! I know they both had to work hard for ends to meet, but I really wish their down time included us a little more often. There was so much I needed to know…
I would describe my parents’ parenting style as being pretty hands-off, so I don’t think they particularly prepared me for work, parenting, or really any aspect of adulthood.
What I’ve been thinking about lately, though, is how being a teacher–and particularly a special education teacher–made my transition from full-time worker to stay at home mom smoother. I was already accustomed to dressing for functionality, urinating based on someone else’s schedule, body fluids, using mainly nonverbal communication, etc. It also prepared me by changing what I found rewarding–in special ed, each new thing learned is earned through so much work. Seeing my typically-developing toddler do things without that effort is mind-boggling to me. I also feel somewhat more prepared to manage her behaviors (and have practice prioritizing behaviors & letting go of power struggles) as a result of my training and experience. Even with that, I still get frustrated and worn down at times, but without those experiences, I really can’t imagine how overwhelmed I’d feel by motherhood.
Wow. Amanda, you just described my life to a “T.” Raised by a single mom who worked multiple jobs and did the best she could, I was completely unprepared for just about everything. After a very successful career I am a 42-year-old stay at home mom of a 20 month old, and figuring out everything as I go. If my husband hadn’t asked me to quit my job and stay home with our baby, I probably wouldn’t have. And I am soooooooo glad he did!
Looking back, in my late teens, and college years, my mother talked to me a lot about parenting. We are very close and she would talk about how hard it was for her to go to work, the pros and the cons. Even, the things she might have done differently. I believe that these conversations prepared me for the compromises and sacrifices that come with having a family. But what she still says, and I hold true to my heart – A woman can do it all, just not all at the same time. She is my biggest champion and cheerleader.
I felt 100% unprepared for motherhood, though I’m not sure that is through anything my parents did or did not do. My parents focused on getting a good job and being a good person, but never on the reality of motherhood. I’m not sure that’s possible.
I had great parents. I was loved, supported, and encouraged, and I think a good example is the best we can do in preparing our kids.
I’m not sure you can talk to your kids about the exhaustion, the push and pull of loving them so completely while at times trying to struggle to not lose yourself. Nothing but being a mother can describe the all encompassing nature of the relationship you feel with your children.
Whether you work or don’t work there isn’t a plan to pass on, a map to follow, or words that can prepare anyone for this role. I think being loved and cared for completely is the best recipe for a good chance for success.
actually, yes…but i think i mostly noticed because i have a younger brother by 10 yrs. i was aware of raising a small kid when our lives were already functioning just fine as a family before the 3rd kid addition… she worked part time for pay and full time for the usual kid-appreciation (varying degrees of rewarding), and i got to babysit frequently enough that she gave me tips in managing tantrums, giving choices, prioritizing, and standing one’s ground. she was the definition of good example setting, making her a formidable figure to skittish or immature friends, but always leaving no question as to how a tricky (or not!) situation could be handled well. she always backed us…and valuing this, we didn’t give her a reason not to. … it was a supportive, though certainly not without its bumps, childhood. she continues to support me when i have baby questions, even at only semi-rookie status of two kids, and frequently i can look back on things i scratched my head over as a kid, but see the mom-side now and get a glimpse of what the intent and motivation was. i get it. and i’d do it the same way.
she knows to give advice when she knows her material and to defer to those with more applicable experience when necessary. this is also a good thing to see, and helps me to trust the lessons i’ve learned from her.
i’d ask for no other mom than mine, and i’d still like to be like her when i grow up. funny, she says she’s proud of me and wants to be like me when SHE grows up. i figure that means we both know it’s a job well done, tho aren’t we all still in the making.
i hope i can do half as well with my children.
ps. mommy therapy is accurate, i think, in saying there are limits to how one can prepare someone else for parenting. that’s why there is so much information out there—so many opinions! every kid is different, every family situation is different… the father role in my growing up years only sort of resembles the father my own children have today, making my job that much more different from my mom’s. economies, politics, social issues, and geography all impact each generation–each child’s upbringing– differently.
as much as one could be prepared, i was.
yea mom!
Great post, Whitney. I’m with you. I felt pretty “prepared” for motherhood (if there is such a thing), but being a working mom was a whole other story. My mom worked when I was growing up, and I saw how hard it was for her, but she was divorced, and had her kids very young. I thought if I waited longer to have kids and get married, it would be easier, and in a way it was. But we’re all expected to work longer hours now then people did 30 years ago, and there are much bigger demands on us to help with preschool, fundraise for the schools, etc.
So nice to hear women say nice things about their moms. @Padmini, your comment is just lovely.
@Mommy Therapy, I think my mom did not talk about the challenges because she didn’t want to burden me with them, just as I don’t want to tell pregnant women that childbirth is excruciatingly painful.
@Doin My Best, love to hear your appreciation come through!
Wow, it’s pretty comforting to see that so many of the comments already give the same answer I have, which is “neither.” My sib and I were raised my a SAHM and a workaholic dad. The main message from them was “school is your work,” and they really did believe that school would provide us with everything we needed to know about how to thrive in the “work world” (whatever the hell that is, as there are millions of “work worlds” out there in my experience). After college I stumbled through a series of unsuccessful jobs and careers and then eventually had a baby that I had NO IDEA how to raise. Ah, good times, good times. I feel like my 7 year old and I (now in my late 40s) are growing up together. Which isn’t fair to either of us, but who ever said life was fair?
My mom prepared me for life. Very well. For college, for a career, for all of that. But, as the youngest child, I don’t think I was prepared for motherhood. I babysat. but that’s not parenting. I watched my sister be a parent, and it looked exhausting. I don’t know that you can prepare someone for motherhood. Because you can tell someone all the wonderful things and you can touch on some of the more difficult things, but you definitely don’t want to paint a picture of what some new parents face. Newly pregnant women don’t need to hear your horror stories either!
I think the only and very best way to prepare your kids for anything is simply to try and teach them patience, perserverance and flexibility. With those 3 things, you can survive in the best or worst job and you can enter mommyhood with enough to get you started. On top of that, I’d try to make sure my children learn compassion and that what works for 1 person, will not always be what works for another – so that my daughter doesn’t end up a pawn in the mommywars.
No way. I don’t think it’s possible to be completely prepared for motherhood, even if someone’s mom tried to be intentional about it. My mom was a stay-at-home mom (and also employed part-time working for my dad)…she was involved at school, led the Brownie troop, drove us to sports, piano lessons, church, etc. My brothers are 4 years and 8 years younger and I learned a lot, but I could never have been prepared for that overwhelming feeling of responsibility and inadequacy that kicked in when I brought my first child home from the hospital. The day-in, day-out, relentless schedule. And also the fun and laughter.
The ways my parents prepared me for both work and parenthood were teaching me to follow through, be hard-working, responsible, honest, respectful, and to do my best at everything. Those lessons translate to all of life.
NOT AT ALL! My mom was a single mom most of the time until she decided to get married for a few years. She always worked and I’ve had to learn everything on my own. I’m a wife and mother to 3 and most days I’m flying by the seat of my pants! I wish I had some preparation!!
When I got pregnant I milked my mother for every bit of information I could think of. I felt as prepared as you can be. Because of course, nothing can actually prepare you for a newborn.
My mother completely prepared me to be a working mom. She went back to work six weeks after I was born. She always told me that if you have someone really wonderful that you trust watching your child, going back to work is a breeze. (and while I say all that a bit tongue in cheek, I do think it’s mostly true and has mostly worked for me, too.) What I wish someone had told me when I was growing up was how challenging it is to be a grown up. That surprised the heck out of me. It looked so fun and easy. (What I never learned how to do is cook!)
Interesting comment by The Mommy Therapy about how you can’t really talk to your kids about what parenting is like because you don’t want to burden them with the challenges, or for them to think that anything hard you went through affects your feelings about them.
It’s a novel idea for me that parents ought to prepare their kids for parenthood. I’ve always thought that, like marriage, you don’t explicitly prepare your kids — you try to set the best example you can, you offer advice when asked or when you can’t resist, and you hope for the best.
I clearly had no clue and am in the process of blogging about it all. A lot of it is funny once I’m no longer in the moment (makes for good blogging material!), but at the time… wow, it’s hard. If you want to check out my stories, there at http://twyste.com. They come out every Monday, but my latest post is here- http://twyste.com/2012/01/09/tea-and-beer-or-mother-of-the-year-award-slips-through-fingers/
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I feel like my mom did a great job of preparing me for parenthood. She was a stay at home mom until we were old enough for school and then took a job that still allowed us to be her priority.
I know not every mom has this opportunity, and there were many sacrifices made for her to do it and there wasn’t a whole lot of extra money when i was growing up, but it worked for our family and now i find it is working for me.
As the mommy to two young boys (2 and 3) I left my quite lucrative career to stay at home with them and it’s the best decision I have ever made. I have been given a wonderful opportunity to do some work, part time, from home and stay current in my field, but my family comes first, just like it did with my mom.
I hope to be able to continue to work part time as my boys are in school, they will still need me around, at least as a taxi driver, and there is plenty of time to work when they are grown, as my mom has shown too. After my sister was in high school she put her career back in high gear and is still very successful.
So I guess my mom has shown me that I can have it all, just maybe not at the same time. Right now is the time for cuddles and hugs and giving my boys the stable foundation they need in order for them to be prepared for the world, just like my mom did for me, there’ll be plenty of time for me to work, but the time I have with them is fleeting.