A post by my friend Andrea caught my eye on Facebook. She said something to the effect of “You should have more childcare than you think you deserve.” A funny phrasing, because objectively childcare is not about “deserve”, but rather “need”, but I related to her statement right away and sent it to Heather, who I presumed would need to hear someone say those words, as I’m sure I did when I last added a newborn to my household.
Since becoming a mom, I have worked outside the home for a company; from a home office as a self-employed person; and, done both at the same time. For a brief time following Scarlett’s birth, I had no outside employment, but I did have a final draft of The Rookie Mom’s Handbook due during that time, so that was like a tiny job. But, it was during that time that I got a real taste of how it felt to not feel entitled to any childcare. To feel that I should be doing it all myself (during my husband’s work day). I could just write during naptime, right?
When my mom and husband both encouraged me to get a few hours of relief per week, to take a break from the colicky baby, even if it was just to be able to go to the grocery store without her, I agreed. I hired someone fabulous and pretended to believe I deserved to have someone else watch my baby and wipe down the breakfast table a couple of mornings each week.
Then our house remodel project got underway, and I used the free time to go to tile stores and permit offices. A few months later I began taking more and more consulting work and adding more hours of childcare. I know that some people use their babysitter time to catch up on sleep. I never could get comfortable with that, but I think it’s a brilliant idea.
Everything good here? I'm going back to sleep.
Both my kids started preschool four days per week when they turned two, and now that they’re both in school five days per week, I work during those hours. As Kristen observed, once I pick them up, I stop working for the day. I guess I see it as being not so much about what I deserve, but what they deserve, and I’m reluctant to describe the amount of hours in each of the categories because this post is not meant for us to compare ourselves to one another, but to ask you if you have the amount of childcare you need, and how you determine that need.
For those who work full-time outside the home, do you tack on extra hours of childcare so that you can get things done without your little sidekick? (I have athlete friends who used to get a sitter on Saturday mornings so they could go for a kid-free bike ride.) For those who work-for-pay at home with children at home (I had no idea this was possible until Kristen interviewed me), do you feel like you don’t deserve childcare? How about those of you don’t work for pay at all? Is it related to money, roles and responsibilities, both, everything?
Related: I don’t cut my own toenails
I think everyone deserves a break, but the logistics of how/when that happens are very personal decisions based on the needs of your family and temperament of your baby.
Personally, I tried to do things like grocery shopping on my way home from work rather than making a separate trip out of it. I also play team sports once per week, so that was always my break except when my kids were newborns and then they came along (with my husband) so that I could nurse on the sidelines at half time.
Generally, I preferred having help from my husband and my mom at our house, so that I could do things that I needed or wanted to do without two kids on me all the time, but I was still there if the baby needed to nurse.
This is one of those touchy areas! Everyone wants to tell you how hard it was when they had kids and they never used a babysitter and did all the housework themselves. It’s hard not to feel judged if you have help. And yet, when I hear people describe how miserable they were I wonder why they would wish that on me.
So when I hear that someone is using daycare or preschool or babysitting I try to be very supportive and approving. Being happier and less stressed is good for mommy and good for the kids.
It’s interesting to think about this in terms of “deserving” childcare. (Or rather, NOT deserving childcare because you feel like you should be doing everything yourself.) I work a job with demanding hours and an unpredictable schedule, but only get a babysitter if I need to be out at night, and then I often put the kids to bed and the babysitter just sits in our living room and makes sure the house doesn’t burn down. It would be nice to have more time to myself and I could use a babysitter for that, but I feel like I should make the most out of every minute I spend with my kids. There are definitely times when I feel burnt out and feel like all I do is work and take care of the kids. It might be worth getting a babysitter once in a while when I don’t absolutely need to be away from home, but could use some time to recharge.
My little girl had reflux as a baby, so there was no sleeping in our house. Around 6 months of age, I finally realized that I couldn’t function anymore (after waking up every 45min at night to a screaming baby), so I hired a “mother’s helper.” I felt guilty the whole time, and thought I had to explain to people the reasoning behind my decision. After all, I was on maternity leave, and I couldn’t even handle being a Mom? I am now so grateful for that time I had to sleep, or just relax, with my baby close by just in case she really needed me. I think all women deserve childcare, regardless of the reason.
I’m a stay at home Mom and sometimes things get rough when little man doesn’t want to sleep all night (which means I can’t sleep all night). I let my DH get his sleep because he works out of the home. So during the day, I do my housework during naptime, and sometimes DH will watch LM when he gets home for an hour or so so that I can shower, or go grocery shopping, or read my book to get a break.
I think having someone care for your child even if during the day for an hour or so can restore some sanity for Moms. But I think it’s different for everyone and based on your own situation.
I work full time and I still use child care in the evenings to do my things. In most instances, it’s when my husband is traveling and I don’t want to give up on my personal things (book group, bunco). Having kids doesn’t mean you have to be there every.single.minute. I think we all need space to appreciate one another better.
PS. Andrea is awesome.
Frankly, for today’s mom hiring childcare is just trying to shift the balance back to a more “normal” way of raising children. Expecting mothers to do it all is a very modern trend. We used to raise children in communities, not in discrete houses in the suburbs. We used to live near our extended families, not move about the country in isolation. This is not to say modern living is bad, but to remind mothers that asking for help or paying for help is more normal than trying to do it all on your own. My husband is in the military and leaves often. I have no family around. I don’t bring in money to the family but I still use daycare once a week (would do more if we could afford it) for my sanity and I don’t feel one iota of guilt about it.
I have a sitter all day on Wednesdays to catch up on errands, my school work (I am getting Montessori certified), exercise, write blog posts…however I want to spend it. Yes, I feel like I deserve it. Actually I feel like my kids and my husband deserve it! Since I began taking this day without kids, I am more settled and we’re more organized as a family. I work full time in the home but really that means I am 100% dedicated to my children. So, the cooking, cleaning, myself, gets put on the back burner. That is the way my husband and I want it. The thing is before I decided to stay home (after I returned to work after my first child I had a “WTH am I doing working and leaving my baby home?” moment totally unexpected) I was a very serious professional. So, I still need to get that piece of me out of my system. So I blog. Sometimes late at night but preferably on the one day a week I get a sitter.
My kids are in daycare full time while I work and I still get a babysitter one or two times a week so I can go out and do things with my husband or friends or by myself. We used to have a weekly date where we would go work out together, then go out to eat while a babysitter did bed time duties.
I think its interesting that you say “I guess I see it as being not so much about what I deserve, but what they deserve.” If your kids are anything like mine, or like I was as a kid, having a babysitter is a treat! Your children aren’t going to pout because they aren’t getting enough time with you. A fun person who can focus all of their attention on just the kids for a few hours (or even a whole day) is good for our kids, even if (or because) it’s not us. You’re increasing the number of people who care about their well-being, you’re decreasing your own stress, you’re employing someone who can probably use the money. Really, getting outside babysitting seems like a win for everyone involved as long as it doesn’t break the budget.
This is an amazing post! I relate to this on so many levels. I was (and largely still am) reluctant to hire childcare when I wasn’t working for money. Now that I’m pregnant with my second, I sometimes beg a friend to watch my son so I can attend a prenatal class…but one day, I had him in childcare and I didn’t have anything “official” that needed to be done. It felt delicious! I got my hair cut, knitted a bit, went to a store alone. I want that every now and again. I found it amazingly rejuvenating.
Agree, Sally, that the sitter is a fun time for the kids. I don’t believe that any hours logged with a sitter are bad for the kids. They’re good for all the reasons you describe. When I wrote “what they deserve”, I meant that when I am home WITH THEM, I am not working. Even though I work from home, the choice I’ve made is to get childcare when I work. That’s the part I think they deserve — someone paying attention to them. It doesn’t have to be me.
Katy! I didn’t realize you are expecting #2 until yesterday when I read your post about housecleaning. Congrats! I wish you a safe delivery and a mild fourth trimester!
Hey everyone needs a break! Good article. I am glad that I am not the only one who needs time to themselves. I have not gone to the bathroom alone for 8 months!
Great post! I can totally relate. My son is 19 months, and I’ve had a nanny come in for 5 hours every day for the last 6 months so that I can work on my start-up (usually from a cafe). Initially I used to also do groceries and exercise during this time, but lately, I exclusively use the nanny-time to work. The rest I manage with my son in tow, or late in the evenings after husband gets home.
No matter what you do, I firmly believe that everybody needs a break from the full-time job of being a mom, even if it is just to read a book or get a pedicure! For the sake of sanity, if nothing else.
I am absolutely drooling over this post
I watch 2 other tots in my home besides my energetic 1-year old for 8 hours a day, and then immediately take her to my mom’s three nights a week…to work as a janitor. My husband has 2 jobs as well. A babysitter for fun? Sounds like a distant luxury to me! We haven’t had date night, or worked out, haven’t had anything to do with friends, or just time to read a book in FOREVER. I’m bound to go crazy soon! Maybe one day we’ll get there…work or baby. Our only 2 options right now. (Sigh…) LOL @Tara, I haven’t either!
For people who can afford it, have access, or are comfortable with a part time sitters I think it’s great. I however have a had a three fold problem. I’m not comfortable leaving my young child with anyone but their dad, my husband is in the military so we can’t afford it and he is not always an option either due to work or deployment also due to the military other family members are not an option. but I don’t judge anyone that does get some help either from family or a child care provider I think it is important for every mom to figure out what she needs to be her best self and best mom she can be. That differs from person to person.
Agree that this is a great post! I’m a freelance designer, so I’m a WAHM, and have been for about 4 years. I had everything nailed down with my oldest in preschool full time (with the option for all day care if needed), THEN we had our second in May. We’ve been relying on a babysitter for the infant regularly so I can work, grocery shop, etc. Still, I’m so excited for the day when I can actually be at home ALONE, with both in school. I too feel weird getting back in bed with our sitter here
I can totally relate…though right now not having any childcare is more about not having the money to pay for it. (I lost my graphic design job when I was 4 months pregnant, and became a freelancer. Starting a business, then taking maternity leave, then starting again has been, um, less than profitable.) It’s incredibly difficult to get my work done with a 3-year-old and a 5-month-old at home, but I somehow manage. And once the finances improve, a childcare day will be a top priority. It’s amazing how efficient I can be in a single day and cram in work, errands, haircuts, etc. when I have no kids along!
I’m with Lmurwood. We’re military, so there’s no family nearby. And I’m not comfortable leaving my child with anyone except her father. But, I admit I do get jealous twinges when I see facebook posts of people who have grandparents to help for an afternoon or are comfortable with getting a sitter and having things like datenight.
As Whitney knows, I recently hired a mothers helper for 6-8 hours per week to get me through the screamy hours before dinner. I appreciate the help so much; yet, I have to fight the guilty feelings that I should be able to do it all.
I work in a daycare center! I work with the babies, and we have all kinds of parents – parents who have their kid with us from almost open to close, parents who have their kid with us a couple days a week, and parents who come immediately after work to pick up their kids.
I have no problem with any of these parents. The only thing I dislike is when parents, who have kids in day care 10 hours a day five days a week, get a day off of work and put their kid in day care ALL DAY. Not just for the morning, not a pick up at 3, but 8-6 ALL DAY. That upsets me, because your child is only a baby for so long, and you’re missing out.
My daughter spends the day at her grandmas house a couple of times a week while I’m at work (if my finace has to be out of tge house and can’t keep her home). My girl naps sometimes until after I get home, so I come home alone, start dinner, clean up and get ready for the next day while she’s still sleeping at grandmas. Then my fiancé goes and picks her up so I have more time alone. It’s really nice to be able to get thing done quickly, and it means I get to bed earlier those nights because I’m done with my “chores”.
Also, every once in a while my 2 year old asks to sleep at grandma’s house, so we have occasional nights home with no child. It’s decadent!
Three cheers for living in the same town as my
Mother in law!!
Reading this with a napping nine month in my arms who refuses to sleep anywhere else, I have to admit tearing up. A sign I deserve a sitter? I never thought of a break from him as something deserved. Thanks for a new perspective.
Both my family and my husband’s family live on the east coast and we live clear on the west coast. So, essentially, we have no help when it comes to free babysitting. We have two kids under the age of two and our first born is extremely trying. She is classified as hypersensitive so very minor things set her off. When I had my first daughter the plan was that I would stay home with her and whatever kids followed. However, I fell into a huge depression after she was born. I didn’t realize it and the first year was terrible because I didn’t have any help in the way of childcare, I didn’t know what I was doing as a new mother and I didn’t seek medical attention. To make things worse, I became pregnant again just 5 months after the first was born. I needed help but didn’t want to admit it because I thought I was supposed to do it myself. My mom stepped in and got me a therapist and a babysitter, and sent me to a doctor. After being on medication, talking it out and sending the kids to the babysitter three days out of the week I am a much better mom. I understand now that I can’t do it all. Even though I’m not working the babysitter isn’t really all that expensive (we get a good deal) and I can get other things done that save us money in other places. I really need the time away from my kids and I don’t think it’s too much. Not only do things get done but the kids are happier to be out of the house, they are entertained playing with other kids and mom is happier when they get home. Besides doling out the $ it’s a win-win situation. I say take the time. You know yourself the best and if you really can’t handle it all then get some help.
This prompted me to write a blog post (linked it to your article) and do some self-reflection. I “finance” my SAHM-ness by watching 3 of my friends kids… not every day, but I have at least one extra kid every week day. Hmmm… I DESERVE childcare too! Luckily, hubby is on board and it’s time I start taking advantage of him (uh, not in that way… I’m too tired
http://koskersidlewild.blogspot.com/2011/12/finding-balance.html
Interesting discussion. Sally, it seems you have struck the perfect balance for what works for your life. I think that is key – no matter how may hours you work (for money) or not. Finding the time to be alone and with your spouse is a necessary luxury. Even in the childcare industry, I feel the sitter guilt sink in if I’m getting out of that balance for me.
My daughter just turned two and I’m a SAHM. We took help from our parents when we could get it, but they all work and are a couple of hours away. We are very lucky to get the occasional Saturday afternoon to go out to eat or the two or three times a year my mom will take her for an entire weekend. Mom even kept her for a long weekend so I could go with my hubby on a work trip back in the summer. The week we got back from that trip we found out we were pregnant with #2. My husband is so awesome, he insisted I put our daughter in Mother’s Day Out two days a week (9-2) this fall so I could get some rest while pregnant. She LOVES it, and we’re all a little sad that she’s going to be out for 2 1/2 weeks for the holiday break! It’s a budget stretcher at $120 a month, and I don’t know how I’ll survive next summer break, but for right now it’s a sanity saver and I couldn’t be happier. It helps a lot that she loves going every week, has a chance to socialize with other kiddos, and has access to different toys and an indoor playground on days when the weather’s yucky or when I’m too exhausted to chase her around the yard!
We have one toddler at home, and both of us work full-time. He goes to Montessori school 8 hours a day. He started day care when he was 6 months old, even though I didn’t need to be back at work full-time yet. I occasionally felt guilty then, but not enough to be a stay-at-home mom all day. He has had wonderful teachers throughout, and being a very social only-child, the school time has been great for him. In addition, we still go out once a week on date night and probably every other weekend or so for a few hours. My parents both worked when raising me and my siblings, and they still made time for themselves. We loved having babysitters on the weekends when they went out. So maybe that’s why plenty of me and us time has always felt natural. It takes a village, and we are so so lucky to have a great one!