While I understand the family pride that some might feel when they refer to themselves as “The Lees” or “The Browns”, I have not been persuaded that changing one’s last name to match her husband’s is important. I did not change mine, and my children have my husband’s last name. (My son has my last name as his middle.)
When I was dating my husband, I never fantasized that his last name would one day become mine. I don’t think that he did either, because he never suggested I start calling myself something else. About half my friends maintained the surnames they were born with after marriage. The tradition of name-changing is simply not one I was interested in continuing, and fortunately, there is no rule that says one has to.
I hear people say that they wanted the same last name as their children so that when they’re in school, there is no problem. Now that I have a first grader, I can say with authority that there is no such issue.
There is always a space on the form for the first and last names of everyone in our family. When I make appointments for my children, I use their names for them, just as I would if mine happened to be the same. When we buy airline tickets, we are seated together because the order is on the same credit card. I have never been asked to prove my relationship to my children in any out-of-the-ordinary manner due to my last name.
So while I have sacrificed the opportunity to purchase a return address label with our family monogram on it, there have been no moments during parenthood where I felt my choice was a bad one.
Do your children have your last name? If not, is it a problem?
I feel the same way about name changing. I kept my last name as I had already started a professional career and I identify with my unique last name. I considered changing when we got married but it just didn’t feel right. As I youngster I never “tried out” my first name with the last name of the boys I had a crush on; it just wasn’t me. Surprisingly, the only backlash I have received on not changing my name is from my own brother. I think he was thrown off that I wasn’t doing what he thought was “the normal route” and changing my name. Or maybe he felt threatened that he wasn’t the only one in the family to carry on the name.
We’re expecting our first this June and we plan to give wee one hubby’s last name but my last name as a second middle name. I’m glad to hear it won’ be an issue for me and the kids down the road.
I kept my name for much of the same reasons as the reader above. My only hesitation was whether it would be a problem when we had kids. But I figured in a country with so many divorces and remarriages, it’s not unusual for parents/stepparents to have a different last name from their children. My kids have my husband’s last name (it’s much easier to pronounced than mine! It was my gift to them.) Out in the world, we’ve experienced no problems or delays bc of the different last names. The only backlash is when it’s brought up by family members who have made different choices and need to reinforce their own choices by pointing out how wrong they find mine. These are the same people who insist on changing my name every year when they address their holiday cards. Sometimes they won’t even give me a first name. Just Mr. & Mrs. Robert Kent.
Imaginary!! I kept my last name for a few years. I finally hyphenated, and I kinda don’t remember why (a mishap with airline tix, not sure). Anyhow, my kids have my last name as the middle name. I think it’s a matter of personal choice, we could have give the kids my last name. I think too many egos get in the way.
Not a problem! In fact, I kept my name AND we gave our kids a totally new last name. So we’re a three-last-name family, and we’ve had no issues with school, travel, or anything else.
I never thought of changing my last name as women are no longer the chattel of their fathers and husbands. (plus it took me over 30 years to be proud of my strange name). We gave my daughter both of our last names as she is both of ours. I never understood after the rollercoasters of pregnancy, birthing, rookie moming,…, that kids more often have dad’s last name.
Like Crystal, family members seem to refuse to use my last name with me, or with my daughter, so I’ve returned the immaturity by not answering mail addressed only to my husband. (and I put both names on our return label)
Thank you for this. As you know I kept my last name, and our upcoming child will have a hyphenated last name. We thought about a hybridized name for all of us, but my husband preferred not to, so it will be with a hyphen.
But I can’t tell you how many people openly tell me how I will ruin my child’s life by saddling them with a hyphenated name. The implication is always that it’s my fault, because as the woman I should just give up my name and forget it, as if the decision has nothing to do w/ my husband’s preferences and I’m just a feminist harpy insisting on this unwieldy solution. My favorite comment is “but what will your son do when HE gets married and has children?” To which I must respond something like, “if and when those things happen, he will by then be a full-grown adult capable of making his own choices, so if at age 30 he wants to change his name legally to Barnaby Rainbow Starchild or Butthead McGillicuddy, that will be his prerogative.” A close second is “but the name will be so LONG – what about the SAT or other forms? There will be no space!” Correlated: “I hope he is smart, it will be hard to learn how to spell such a long name!” But I am quite sure there are people with very long names who have not been barred from taking the SAT because of it and who have been able to eventually, yes, learn to spell their own last name.
These are all COMMON comments I have heard multiple times, and the child is not even born yet.
People nowadays (esp in the Bay Area) just have kooky names so no matter what I name him, someone will always have a weirder name. Everyone should be able to do whatever they think is right vis a vis naming without this judgment about how it will cause “problems” which is, I think, just a smokescreen for people are defensive about their own choices or judgmental of women who make a different choice than they did.
I took my husband’s name and shifted my maiden name to my middle name. I use all of my names (first, middle, last) on everything — which is easy because they’re pretty short. I like the name change and was happy to make it.
For ladies who have a different name and get mail with the wrong name on it – is it possible that people don’t know what the salutation should be? There are times when it’s a little tricky. For example, we have friends who are married — he is a Reverend. She is a Reverend and a Doctor. Same last name. For the life of me, I never know how to address their Christmas card!
Maybe it’s possible that people are clueless. Or maybe they really are just mean, snarky people who use an envelope as a soapbox…
PS @Meg everything you said is exactly how I feel.
Before I met Jon, I decided I would never ever change my name.
Then I met Jon and realized it was an opportunity to upgrade from Verhoff to Case. It is so so so awesome being a Case- no spelling problems, easy for the kids to write, the boys get to sit in the front of the class, easier to sign my name, and now that I am a business owner, it is super easy for people to google my name and find me.
I had a different last name than my mother the entire time I was growing up. It was never a problem and I don’t think anybody even asked me about it.
@Karen, really good point about it being perceived as your fault in some way. Also, perhaps another post on this, but I have found that’s it’s hard to predict the difficulty of the name as our cultural awareness is always shifting. For all we know, the next American Idol will have your last name and it will become as familiar to people as once-confusing names like “Barak”, “Colbert”, or “Beyonce”.
@Holly, the envelope problem… I think the solution is to write Reverend Susan Lee and Dr. Bill James, but if they are good friends of yours, I would just write Susan Lee and Bill James, using two lines if necessary. Envelopes are where we probably all get our sensitivities triggered. If I am in person and someone misuses my husband’s last name on me, I can gently correct them, no anger. In fact, receiving mail where my husband’s last name is used as mine doesn’t bug me that much. HOWEVER, if I receive an envelope addressed to The Ryan Wilson Family, I feel resentful. He doesn’t own our family! (My husband’s name is not Ryan Wilson, by the way, but I protect his Google footprint in this space.) I would much prefer The Wilson Family, because at least that describes 3/4 of the household. If someone doesn’t know my name, they could write “Ryan Wilson and family”. If they want to address both of us, however, “Whitney Moss & Ryan Wilson” is the way to go. Amongst friends we are known as “the Moss Wilsons”, and that works for me.
I never changed my name – i was Ms. A. before and after the wedding. I have three degrees and a career under this name! However, I use a hyphated last name (Ms. A-K) in some situations -permission slips for my stepkids, for example, or where i want to diffeentiate myself – Facebook. The only person to ever question this is my own grandmother, and yes, it basically boiled down to the envelope issue. She insists on using Mrs. for me but keeps changing the last name. Last I checked, she used Mrs. A – like I’m married to my father!
@Karen: “Barnaby Rainbow Starchild or Butthead McGillicuddy,” I love it.
I changed my name, we like being “the Smiths,” and I never liked my last name anyway. But if I had an established professional reputation when we got married, I probably wouldn’t have.
I think this may have been a problem two generations ago, but it’s so common now. Our kids are multiracial, and the issues are similar — at first everyone says “Oh no, how can you do that, think of the children,” but once most people accept that hey, it’s okay to have more than one ethnicity or name, it’s no longer a problem. (And similarly, if you grew up with one ethnicity/name/sibling, etc., you assume that’s normal and everyone else will have problems if they try to do something different.)
It is hard to remember everyone’s last name, though — it would be easier if you knew X’s husband would be Mr. X, and their kids would be Bill and Jane X. And then when I met someone, I’d have a clue they were related to someone else I already know. But those are my problems (and very minor ones at that), not theirs.
I didn’t change my last name when I got married either. We are currently expecting baby #1 and have decided to use the last name that sounds best with whatever 1st name we choose. Currently, it is looking like it will be hubby’s last name.
In my immediate family, it isn’t considered weird, but mostly because my parents blazed the trail ahead of me. My mom kept her name when they married and gave me her last name when I was born. When my younger sister came, she got my dad’s last name. It was never a big deal having a different name from my dad and my sister. It didn’t/doesn’t make us any less a family.
This was an important question for me as I approached our marriage. I decided to keep my last name and tag my husband’s on the end, like Hillary Rodham Clinton. I used a space–it’s become a headache in terms of applying for credit cards and health insurance. Companies’ computers apparently don’t “have” a space bar option, so they either hyphenate it or mash my last names together all as one word. Plus I’m sometimes filed under my maiden name, sometimes under my husband’s last name. Ugh.
I hear you about getting most steamed when people address me as Mrs. Corey Lev on envelopes. That person doesn’t even exist!
I kept my name; my sons have my husband’s last name. At school, their peers will ask me which I prefer they call me, Mrs. Wagner or Mrs. Kid’s Last Name. I don’t really care — I tell them to do whatever makes them most comfortable. But I am impressed that elementary school kids think to ask, and that they are savvy enough to know that there are multiple options.
The one time we’ve had trouble was when we first moved to Oklahoma (reddest of the red states) and had to provide our marriage license to a local insurance company in order to have me included on my husband’s health insurance. They took the kids without question, but I had to prove that I was part of the family. Crazy.
when we got married, I took my husbands lastname. For me, that was part of getting married, not because I am now part of his family, but because we are now a “new” family. He offered to take my maidenname, but in the end his lat name won, simply because I like the sound of it. as for any child-related or official name-confusion, I actually have problems because of that: while/after getting married, we moved to Belgium, where apparently you cannot change your maidenname. not even if you get married in a different country. so, if introduced to strangers, I will introduce myself with my new, but (here) inofficial lastname. If I do anything official, (bank, insurance, school…) they want my maidenname. when I’m home, everything goes by my new name.
@Katy, I love that you were inspired by HRC. What I’m gathering is that not changing is not a problem, but combining can be a point of confusion.
I changed mine. My MIL did not change hers. The only time I’ve seen it come up as an issue was when I was marrying her son. We wanted to put his parents names on the invitations as they helped pay for it (along with my parents) and it was awkward for her because she thought my whole family was going to think they were divorced – same when we “announced” into the wedding – so she actually went by her husbands last name for both because she did not want people to think she was divorced – I found it strange that after 30 years of marriage the wedding of her son was the first issue she’s ever had! Only other time she said it’s a “problem” was when her kids were little their friends would call her “Mrs Smith” when that wasn’t her name – they figured it out by high school though.
@Colleen, That’s funny. I figure by the time my son gets married, half the wedding invitations his peers have received will have addressed this issue. Plus there’s always the “Together with their families, Beavis & Butthead invite you…” That’s what I did because we had too many parents + stepparents.
I took my husband’s last name because I had problems pronouncing my last name clear enough for people to understand. I personally enjoyed the “tradition” of taking his last name too… but I totally support those who choose to keep it. @Holly I totally understand your confusion with the Reverend, Doctor thing too… Generally, if I don’t know what a friend has decided to do I will just phone and ask or just use first names.
I kept my last name when I got married and have been considering changing it now that I’ve got a son. Hearing how few problems it actually causes has helped to put my mind at ease so I might save myself the time, effort, and money if changing it all now.
Most of my family doesn’t have a problem with me keeping my last name, but assumed I would have changed it. (My maiden name is a tongue twister likely to cause embarrassment and/or tongue strain on those who have to try it.) No biggie except both my parents updated their wills & life insurance information. When my father passed away and it was time for the paperwork and inheritance to be processed it caused a bit of a snag and I had to write a letter explaining the situation.
I agree that any problems that come up from keeping your maiden name after marriage are imaginary and I think that every woman and every family should choose to use whatever names they feel fit them best. When I got married, my husband and I both agreed that we wanted to have the same name because we wanted to approach our marriage and life together as a team. Of course we would have been as much of a team if I’d kept my name, but it was a symbolic move for us, much like our choices to wear wedding bands or share a checking account. We considered a lot of options — him taking my name, hyphenating, making up a new name (Cyberstein! Hey, it was dotcom boom 2001…), but finally settled on me taking his name because it was easiest and we are lazy. The funny thing is that sometimes I feel self-conscious about having his name here in the Bay Area and among my fellow women’s college graduate friends.
I took my husband’s name to reduce confusion, but not for the kids. My first/last name combo were so common that I was always getting mixed up, including really important things like medical records in college. With my new (his) somewhat less common last name, this problem has basically disappeared. I also enjoy that if you google my current name, you won’t find any of the stupid things I did in college that ended up online.
I didn’t change my last name when I got married and this post makes me laugh because the only time I’ve wished I had the same names as my husband and kids has been when I wanted one of those cute return address monograms!
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I have two kids in school and the multiple names have never been a problem. The only person who doesn’t remember my last name is my mother-in-law
It’s funny, I take the same concept to support my decision to (repeatedly) change my last name. I was an established business owner when I married my husband, but people updated their address books and my new name became synonymous with me. It just so happened that my husband’s very old European name is very close to a modern day vulgarity. When I married him I told him I’d take his name but would really prefer we change it so we agreed to change it when his grandmother passed away (she was long-senile that was his delay tactic) or when we had a kid. When we had a kid, we modified his last name to something that is very common and the vulgar link was broken. People updated again and now I’m Mrs. 3rdName. It is amazing how easily people take the change these days. My current name (not the pseudonym above) is delightfully common. I am surprised for the first time in my life to find so many others with “my name”. It’s kind of a nice change.
I kept my last name, it never really occurred to me to do anything else. I joke that I went to graduate school in order to not have to decide whether to be Ms/Miss/Mrs and just go with Dr.
I’ve never regretted having a different last name from my son and husband, but there have been all sort of funny errors. The worst was when our 2nd leg flight was cancelled due to weather and after a night in O’hare with our then 3 month old, we didn’t notice that on the re-booking they ticked our son as having my last name. When actually he has my husband’s. It took a lot of discussion at the gate, all three of our passports AND a copy of my son’s birth certificate to get on the plane. Lesson — do take a copy of your kid’s birth certificate when travelling!
On the happier side…my favourite mistake was on our wedding night, we arrived at our hotel to find a card addressed to Mr and Mrs .
To Crystal: “Sometimes they won’t even give me a first name. Just Mr. & Mrs. Robert Kent. ” As much as I also loathe this, it is technically the correct way to address a formal letter. I always joke that my name is not Robert
I took my husband’s name, but only after we had been married for over a year. The only reason I took his name was because I was pregnant, and it was REALLY important to him. What he didn’t understand was how important it was to me to keep my last name. He couldn’t fathom that I was giving up my identity. There are no awards given to Jane Dickenson. Jane Dickenson did not get any trophies or publish any papers. It took me a long time to explain it to him. But at the end of the day, I had to respect that to him, it meant as others have said: that we were a Family. So, I finally conceded and in my third trimester I changed my name. Hypenated names never appealed to me.
Although I did get the last laugh. My husband’s name is quite complicated whereas mine was very plain. Even the person filing our paperwork made sure to make the necessary jokes, “Wow, you must REALLY love him!” and “I think HE should be the one changing his name, jeeze!” That definitely helped send the message home.
It sounds silly, but it took me a long time to mourn the passing of my old identity. But I’m ok with it. Marriage and parenthood and life in general changes who you are anyway.
I was of the mindset that when I got married I would keep my own last name. Then when I finally did get married I felt like I wanted his last name to show that we are a single unit. I thought about asking him to take my last name instead but he is the last descendent with his name and now our son is going to carry on the Love name. I was glad I changed my name because it worked for me and my family.
I couldn’t wait to give up my last name, the only real tie left to my biological father. I always wished I had my mom and step-dad’s last name growing up. I love having a name that’s part of a real family now.
I changed my last name, but I honestly don’t know what my thought process was in doing so. I believe I did it because that’s what everyone around me did. I don’t remember once thinking that I would do something different, which is really odd when I think about it.
I don’t regret changing it now though. I like the “simplicity” of being the Dadidakis family, all five of us. Besides, I simply sound much more exciting being a Greek Dadidakis than a Kenney.
I do admit that now that I have a daughter I will encourage her to make a decision, not just assume it has to be one way or another.
Is it just the people who feel like commenting, or it is really so strange to have taken my husbands name without even thinking about it? It’s just a tradition, it doesn’t make me his chattel (thanks for that, Meg), it doesn’t steal my identity from me, it doesn’t make me less important than he is.
And as a side note, I don’t understand creating made up last names. But extended families are pretty important to me.
Like Hanna (and some others here), I changed my last name without thinking when I got married right out of college. Ten years and 2 kids later, I wish I had thought about it more. While I appreciate having the same last name as my husband and kids, I don’t feel a strong connection to my last name. My maiden name was a blend of both my parents’ names. It was long and difficult for people to pronounce, but only 6 people in the whole world had that name. My husband’s family is quite large and when I address Christmas cards, there are nearly 10 “H Families” in addition to ours. Also, my husband is not very close to his family, so our last name has some slightly negative associations for us. I often wish we had blended our last names to create a unique family name that we could all be proud of and strongly identify with.
I also haven’t changed my name and have not met with any real difficulties. Although, it has happened that people have referred to my son with my last name, under the assumption that his name is the same as mine. Also, whenever I travel with the kids without my husband, I carry our marriage certificate just so that I can show that I am married to someone who has the same last name as the kids travelling with me. Nobody has ever specifically asked for that document but they end up seeing it because the border control ALWAYS asks to see a letter from my husband saying that I can travel with the kids. When I give the letter, I also give the marriage certificate. I have no idea if they ask for such a letter as frequently when the kids and the parent have the same name.
My husband, our kids and I all have hyphenated last names combining our two names! It was his idea. It’s cumbersome and I won’t mind at all if the kids want to change later. We are not attached to either surname – you could say they were both “made up” by previous generations coming to this country.
It’s interesting to read everyone’s decisions and reasoning. I felt very attached to my uncommon last name as part of my identity. I decided to include my husband’s last name and changed mine to Hislast Mylast. The kids have his last name – though he was fine with giving them my blended name instead, I find that I wish I’d just left it as Mylast and saved myself some trouble.
I love reading the comments here. I find that I identify with the minority over here.
As a child, I liked my name well enough. I decided that I’d keep my given last name unless a married name would be an improvement, an upgrade.
When it came right down to it, I found that I preferred to change my name to demark a new chapter in my life (the married or team chapter like Team Copley above) but I really wanted my fiance to want me to do it. Professionally (resume, linkedin, facebook), I use my maiden name as my middle name. We do also use a blended version of our family name informally and that makes me happy.
I’m still torn. We’re not married yet but our daughter has my last name as her middle…and his as her last. I do not like is last name and it makes me twitch when using it for my daughter.
I’m pregnant again and we’re and a standstill on what to do about it. I’ve suggested taking on a brand new last name for all. He wants just just combine both of our last names into a new one. I still think mine is the best name out of all the choices….why won’t he just take mine? HMRPH
I’m not really concerned about having issues with a different last name than my kids, I just don’t want to do that. I want to “match”.
There is a long convoluted reason why I changed my name after getting married (turns out I have a name doppelganger who just happens to do the exact same thing as me – we can’t have that!), doing the maiden name as middle name thing and defending my choice for a long time. I could care less now and am so used to my “new” last name it’s hard to remember a time when my middle name now was my last name.
The thing is, at the end of the day, you probably have a man’s last name either way (either your father’s or your husband’s unless your parents were hippies). And what’s interesting about this is my brother and I had a different last name than our parents growing up (and yes, back then it was a hassle but I would imagine that’s less the case now especially depending on where you live), but for totally different reasons – divorce and remarriage, not women’s lib.
I kept my name, and while it helped my MIL understand my choice that I had some published articles under my name, the fact is it had nothing to do with my career, just my identity. I like my name, I’ve had it for a long time, and it felt disorienting to consider changing it at this stage of the game.
While I definitely notice when people address mail to me under my husband’s name, I try not to get too bent out of shape about it. I figure they’re either relatives who don’t happen to know I kept my name, or that they themselves prefer the traditional Mr & Mrs John Smith and assume I prefer that, too. A lot of my older relatives would be offended NOT to be addressed that way on the front of an envelope.
I took my husband’s name because it is sort of the traditional thing to do I guess and I wanted us to have the same last name (Team W….), plus my maiden name is hard to spell and hard to pronounce but my married name is easy to spell and pronounc and only moderately common (I’ve never personally met another that was not related to my husband at least distantly). I guess these days it doesn’t make too much of difference, partly because of the prevalence of divorce and women wanting to keep the names they started careers with. However, i think it is different for men then women. Women having a different name than their children are not generally questioned but I have a coworker who is male with a different last name (not originally from the U.S. and there was some surname issues when they became citizens) and he has a hard time traveling with his children unless his wife is present, he’s been asked by airlines to provide a notarized document from his wife to travel with his own kids to prove he isn’t kidnapping them or something.
I never intended to change my name for all the reasons you have said, but then my husband asked me too. It meant something to him to have me take his name. So I did. For a little while I talked about how I missed my old name, and occasionally I feel like my friends and colleagues who didn’t change their names are judging me for taking part in an outdated and unequal custom, but the truth is that it’s just a name and it doesn’t really matter. I’m still the same person and I’m still an independent, successful woman. My last name doesn’t define me or my family. So either way, it doesn’t matter. It’s the person and the family that counts, not the name(s) they have.
I am originally from Uruguay, South America. It is unthinkable that a woman would change her last name in my country, and I feel the same way towards what I do with my name. Even my grandmother, who would be 90, kept her last name.
History and tradition play a big role in this decision and I wish people would be more understanding and tolerable.
As for return addresses/stamps? We just have one that has LASTNAME/LASTNAME, since each of the adults has one, and the child has both with a hyphen.
I hyphenated my last name. Basically, in my family all the girls got the family name and all the boys got married names. So at 22, when I got married. I kind of liked my last name, but i am a traditional person. So I hyphenated. HOWEVER. I am still Mrs. (insert husbands last name) and we are the (insert husbands last name) and I don’t correct people. I have no reason to, and in a family unit sense I see no problem with it. In other words I don’t correct people. Keeping my last name in my name was for personal reasons and I still have people use it for professional reasons too. Anyways… my question really is.. why can’t you have your families last name on an address label?