Before I even conceived my second child, I had two unreasonable expectations: the first was to conceive naturally (that is, with no help from the infertility specialist who helped me the first time around) and the second was to deliver vaginally. I did not accomplish my first goal, but I did emerge victorious from my second delivery. Actually, I emerged in ridiculously bad shape, but victorious in relation to my goal to push that kid out mahself. And somewhere during this journey of having two children, I formulated a theory that most rookie moms have fantasies about a “victory baby.”
I have suspected many of my friends and acquaintances of this. Whether they’re thinking “My next baby will be planned.” Or “Next time, I’ll breastfeed.” Or “I’ll choose drug free childbirth!” I assert that some new mamas are anxious to jump right back again on the baby bandwagon to correct whatever part of their first experience disappointed them.
Seeing friends with two children of the same gender go for a third may also fall into this category. Do we really want to create a whole new person just to see if they turn out to be a particular gender?
Yes, much of the time we do.
When a friend with a 2-month old told me she wanted another one pretty soon, I asked her point blank, “Are you thinking the next one won’t have Down’s Syndrome?”
“Yep!” she said confidently and unembarrassed.
How about “I’ll stay home longer with the next one.” Or, “I won’t have postpartum depression the second time.”
What else? What expectations – within or outside of your control – do you have or did you have?
I am totally guilty of the “I will not be a total psycho the next time” but what if I’m wrong? That’s one of the biggest reasons we’re still on the fence about having a third. If I can be awesome, then our lives will be great and we’ll be all “happily ever after” (in our house of 3 boys) and if not… well, I’ll be a failure and my husband will probably leave me alone with 3 young boys.
This is so true. Why do we do this to ourselves? My second child was my “I’m going to give birth they way I always wanted to” baby. I had an unplanned c-section with my first and really wanted to deliver naturally and I got that with my second. Oh boy did I get that! It was certainly not this glorious delivery as it came very fast and very painful (no time for any drugs). Oh, and she came out face-up so we had the whole back labor issue. Fun times. But my husband is guilty of this as well. He falls into the “let’s try one more time for a boy” scenario. If we do shoot for a third though, I think it will be my “I’m not going to gain so much pregnancy weight and I’m going to lose all that pregnancy weight really quick” child! Here’s hoping!
I expected to delivery vaginally in a hospital, with little to no meds.
Now it’s looking like I’ll end up doing a homebirth, which I desperately don’t want, but my health insurance won’t end up covering me in time for the baby’s arrival so a hospital is out of the question :[
That’s really all, though.
My victory baby would not be spontaneously conceived twins, which is what I had the first time. I could make a laundry list of what I would like the second time around with a singleton rather than twins (breastfeeding, not premature, no bed rest, no pre-term labor scares, regular number of doctor’s appts, no develo[pmental delays, cheaper, EVERYTHING), but my problem with having my victory baby is there is no way I want a newborn again while also caring for my twins (currently 2.5).
I used to fantasize about it, but I’m done with it now.
I am the victim of victory babies and let me tell you, it was obvious as I grew up. My oldest sister has Down Syndrome. Not only did my mom want to “make up” for her (these are my opinions, not hers) she also succumbed to my dad’s unreasonable expectation to have a boy. They ended up having five girls. This put unnecessary expectations on the rest of us to be “perfect” even though we were not the boys they had hoped for. As I now have my own son, I consider these emotions every time I think about having another. I am completely satisfied with what I have and how I had him.
I love this post.
My victory baby will be born on time (not premature) and will come home from the hospital with me.
Here’s to hoping.
I think you’re right about this. And also – I find myself doing the same thing with our old dog. “Our next dog won’t get so fat and won’t need a pincher collar to walk nice.”
Oh – and my victory baby, should we attempt this, would be a very content, breastfed, baby girl, who falls asleep easily, and stays asleep for the proper amount of time.
I’m not asking for much, am I?
The thing is – with the dog – I should be able to control the weight and how we walk it, but with a baby. There’s nothing I can control and that’s what makes it so frustrating and exciting.
The entire time I was pregnant with #3 (after a baby born at 31 wks), I went to bed envisioning my victory baby. He would be born healthy, at term, and he would breastfeed. Despite a preterm labor scare at 32 wks, he arrived at 39 weeks, and is a total boob addict…
I swore with No. 2 that I’d eat healthy and sensibly. Here I am, with a 15-month-old (and a 5-year-old), still 25 pounds up from where I was before I got pregnant!
I actually HAD my victory baby. My first son was 15 weeks premature, and I had a vertical c-section which ruined any chance of my natural child birth hopes forever. I also couldn’t breast feed him.
My second son was born at 37 weeks with the easiest and quickest c-section ever. And he’s breastfed. Which I expected to be so easy. It was NOT EASY. In fact, it took 7 weeks of me pumping and feeding him a bottle before we could get the actual breastfeeding down.
Part of me would like to someday try for a girl, but I really think I’m okay with 2 boys.
This is so true.
I am determined to have a vbac with no. 2. Somehow, I felt cheated with my first unplanned c-section so now I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking and reading about vbacs.
I am also going to give in and buy all the sassy newborn onesies that I resisted buying the first time around because I thought it was too much money for something the baby would wear for such a short time.
So very true! I am debating whether to have another child after having boy/girl twins on the first shot. On the one hand, I hit the jackpot: two kids, one pregnancy, and even the gender split. Convenient, yes, but I never got the chance to try again, with everything I’ve learned! Plus, I imagine a singleton would feel a lot easier after twins…
Great post!
Although unplanned, I had my victory baby last fall. I realized at the time I was being obsessive and controlling in an effort to right past wrongs. I just didn’t realize that there was a term for it until this post – haha!
Brilliant insights and I even like the term “victory baby,” it simply rolls off the tongue. What is the difference between hopes and dreams for our new child and expectations that maybe will be unfair and become burdens to them and ourselves (how many feelings of failure do you think we can possibly bear)? Its good food for thought….
[...] Lots of women want a victory baby [...]
I haven’t even had one yet, but I already have all these unrealistic expectations of how I’m going to be and how I will raise my child.
Some examples:
-breastfeeding for 1 year, NO formula
-never making my kid a special meal just for him or her
-keeping baby in the room for only 3 months
-being able to watch the baby while also working part time
etc etc etc
Nothing went right with my first pregnancy, and the second is shaping up the same way; I’m happy to say that although I originally hoped to have a victory baby and wound up with the same problems (pitted edema at 12 weeks, gestational diabetes and on insulin by 14 weeks, for example) I’m still super stoked about baby two!! It’s more of a victory because my husband has been SUPER amazing this time around; expecting the problems and babying me more now that he knows how difficult it is. Unfortunately further health issues means this is probably our last one, but at least we have a houseful of love to show for it!!
My victory baby would be:
1. a girl
2. delivered vaginally with no meds
3. breastfed for at least 8 months
4. have no health issues.
I have two boys, two c-sections, one was formula fed because I had NO idea how hard bf would be, and my second has heart defects, is currently in the hospital, and will never breastfeed. I love my boys to death, but I want a girl
I need a victory baby. My sweet girl has exceeded all my expectations, but has crumpled pretty much every unnecessary goal I had.
1) deliver vaginally with no meds
2) breastfeed for atleast 1 year
3) eat solids at 4 months or 6 months.. or come on, why don’t you want this yummy food, already??
[...] I loved this thought-provoking post as well as its wide and varied comments from the Rookie Moms archive: “Do you need a victory baby?” [...]
I’m reading this while expecting our first—and only—baby, so this whole concept seems as foreign as it does entertaining. There’s something really comforting to me personally in knowing that this is the only time I will experience something; I think it allows me to enjoy the process more and not fixate on ‘needing’ a do-over at some point. It seems to be that having a victory baby is much more about fulfilling the mother’s expectations, rather than thinking of the child first. And if your second is a victory, then what in the world does that make your first? No pressure there, kiddo!
you know, Marie, I hope you get everything to happen just the way that you want it to.
I’m currently pregnant with my rainbow / victory baby. My goal: He’s delivered alive and lives. My first son was stillborn last March and so my goals are smaller, more realistic. Do I want a home birth and no meds and a long breastfeeding relationship? Absolutely. But I want a baby that enters the world hollering instead of silent, and to me that will be the first victory.
Our experiences shape our view of life. I think wanting a different experience the second (third, fourth etc) time around is pretty normal.
[...] M’s arrival was one fraught with drama, pain, and ultimately great joy. When people used to ask if we were going to have more kids, before we had totally decided, I used to tell them no. M nearly killed me, so I wasn’t going to risk it again. For the record, I blame M for none of that drama. It was simply my body’s reaction to pregnancy. This time I attempted to weight the dice in my favor, being more active, more fit, from the start. This time, I got my victory delivery. [...]
[...] Now she is a happy 14 month old. She is developmentally right on target, and tracks the bottom of the curve for height and weight. For a variety of reasons, we are not attempting a victory baby. [...]
Victory, in a different way than others mention here – after an abortion 7 years earlier which I regretted deeply immediately afterwards and still do, I had my dream-baby 2.5 years ago, just before I turned 40. I always wanted to make up for making the wrong choice the first time around and I know for sure this little girl was meant to be with me. She is healthy and fabulous, and I believe I appreciate her all the more because if the circumstances. Note, I’m not questionning the right to choose, it just wasn’t the right thing for me then.
Great post! I needed it. Preggers w #3 and all were birthcontrol conceived (one pill baby, one withdrawl, one IUD). WTH?! I’m having the 3rd “oops” and I still have dreams of one day planning a pregnancy. I need to get over that. Thanks for putting words to my potential future issue!
We always planned on four, so there’s no ‘victory baby’ for us–only plans to fix things that didn’t work out with the last. After my first, it was a VBAC.
This time, with my third, I actually conceived on the first try, no need for help (which I didn’t expect, nor set as any goal, we just were going to have fun trying without falling into the whole TTC world yet and boom!), but my goal is to have the natural birth I always wanted and have tried twice for.
We have two girls and another girl on the way. I joke that we’ll have a cute set of four at the end (partly to remind myself that it’s okay I didn’t get the son I always wanted, because these girls ARE awesome). If I have a boy, that would be great, but so would a girl. But none of our children weren’t planned from the beginning.
[...] such things. Yesterday they were all discussing a post from some mommy bloggers called “Do you need a victory baby?” Another blogger discusses the concept of the victory baby thusly: A victory baby, for those [...]
[...] read this post, Do you need a victory baby? over on Rookie Moms, and it struck a bit of a chord for me. For instance, I remember last time [...]
[...] hate to end my illustrious and productive nursing career on a low note but I am not planning a victory baby to make up for it. If this is how it will go down — in flames, so to speak — then so be [...]