We received this letter and thought our readers could extend some empathy and perspective to “Kate”, who is having trouble deciding if another child is in the cards for her and her husband. I wrote her a note below, but I hope you’ll respond as well.
Dear Rookie Moms,
My little girl is turning two this month and I’m starting to process the idea of having a second child, but not feeling like I come to any good conclusion about what to do. Growing up I always assumed I’d have two kids. I held onto that thought until I gave birth. Then, my immediate reaction was, “No way am I ever doing that again!” That feeling has faded, but the challenges of juggling work, home, parenting, marriage, friendships and family relationships has not. Some days I feel like we get through better than okay and have a great time. Other days I want to walk out the door and never return.
So, I find myself wondering the following: Can I handle having a second child and stay sane and like my life? And, how do I make that decision?
Any input from other moms on how you made the decision to have or not have more kids would be very welcome!
Thanks,
Kate
Dear Kate,
“Will I like my life?” is a powerful and important question.
Although I personally felt no hesitation in having a second child, I have absolute respect and understanding of why you do. (P.S. I was totally compensating for being an only child myself, so my motivation was transparent and unwavering.)
I know that Heather waffled for a long time on a third child and made a pros and cons list in addition to using a Dr. Phil-inspired exercise of embracing the intention NOT TO for one week and seeing how that feels… and then the following week, embracing the intention to GO FOR IT to see how that feels. I think that means saying things to yourself like, “When the baby comes, we’ll move near my mother/buy a ski house/work an extra job” or “When Eve goes to elementary school, I’ll invest in my brother’s company/get a dog to keep me company/plan to spend summers in Europe.”
I would also think about what each unit of five years might look like with or without another child – the under 5 years, elementary school, high school, college – because it’s easy to focus on having another “baby” and forget that you’re signing on for another person in your family.
Other questions to ask yourself: How will you feel if you were surprised by a pregnancy? What advice would you give to someone else who asked you, “Should I have a baby at all?”
Cheering you on,
Whitney
We would love to hear from other women who planned their childbearing thoughtfully and what swayed you to have a second child.
I totally know how “Kate” feels. My little girl just turned 2 this past week and is now officially potty-trained and our rule was that we could not have 2 in diapers. I have always wanted a large family, but after having the 1 I honestly struggle with the thought of possibly loving another human being as much as I love her. I feel extremely guilty thinking that what if I didn’t love the new baby as much as her, etc. Then I also think that you cannot take a famliy of 5-7 on a European vacation unless you are the Kardashians these days. I know that it is probably a feeling that every woman goes through, I know my husband thinks I am crazy for thinking that way. I do know that we will have PLENTY more children, just not sure when. – Mommy Spooner
i absolutely empathize. we wanted 3 kids…until we had a really intense, high-needs child who still (at 27 months) wakes up at least twice every, single night. we’re tired! we’re tired people here.
but we know it won’t always be this way–eventually he’ll be able to turn on his own music and read his own books if he can’t sleep! and i so value my relationship with my sister. and i see how other toddlers are really good big siblings with their brothers/sisters.
so, we’re trying to conceive. and we know it will be hard, but we also know we can do it!
I can completely relate to Kate – my little boy is 2, and life is definitely getting better. Pregnancy and giving birth were not happy experiences and I’ve struggled with coping with him, life, husband, work, house, everything. If I were coldly logical, I would be able to say one child is enough for me/us. But I’m not. And, as an only child, I know in my bones that I don’t want that for him. So, slowly, very slowly, I’m steeling myself for round 2. Not yet. Not until I’m entirely comfortable with the idea (and he starts pre-school and is done with the terrible twos). My friends have all started having or trying to have their second babies, so seeing them cope and struggle helps. When they struggle, it helps because I see that I’m not alone, that it’s normal and that no one has a perfect life. When they cope it helps because we’re not so different, if they can then I can. Maybe.
This is such an intensely personal choice that I can only offer my own decisions and wish “Kate” peace with whichever choice she makes.
Before I had my daughter, I thought that I wanted 5 children. I’m one of those moms that has wanted children since I was a fetus. Imagine my surprise after I had my first and felt (and continue to feel 2 years later) with no uncertainty that I only want this one child. My husband feels the same. We both really enjoy our daughter and in general feel that parenting one awesome little girl brings us mostly joy and very little stress. Neither of us believes that our joy:stress ratio would remain in our favor if we had a second. We have what seems like a million secondary reasons (money, time, laziness, my horrible, 7 months of morning sickness andthen bedrest laden pregnancy) but the biggest secondary reason to not have a second child, for me (and I am only speaking for me) is that I have a nagging fear that my second child may have special needs. I work in disabilty services so I see first hand how common these things can be and we have a nephew with an Autism Spectrum disorder. At work I am excellent at finding the joy in care for children with special needs but I don’t want to tempt fate and invite these needs into my home. It would seriously impact my joy:stress ratio.
Once in a while I worry that my daughter will wish we had made different choices but then I think about all the choices my parents made that I wish they hadn’t and realize that no matter what we do and how thoughtful our choices are, she will inevitably resent some of them.
I had an easy pregnancy and a wonderful birth experience at our local birthing center. I love being a mom to my almost 3 year-old son. But we’ve also decided to stop at one (I should say that my partner has an older child who is in college, so it’s really one at a time). I’m one of 3 children and always assumed I’d have multiple kids, but I like the ease of just having one. While I love my child, many of the day to day tasks of parenting aren’t my cup of tea and I’m only a little ashamed to admit it.
Having one child that is getting older leaves me more time to read, go out with my spouse one on one, travel, save money, cook. Also, while growing up and now that I’m grown, the people closest to me have always been my friends. I love my siblings and we’re close in many ways, but they are not who I turn to in times of emotional need or day-to-day fun. So having a child just to make a sibling who may or may not even be close isn’t a compelling reason for me. I would have a second or third child only if I craved one.
Well, I’m a man so this obviously won’t be exactly what you were looking for but I would really like to chime in as well. I think that it is a great thing to want another but maybe it would be helpful to set a time frame just to relax and think about. You could say that for the next six months you are not going to make any 100% decision but that you are just going to sit back and ponder it [in the most relaxed way as possible]. It is not an easy decision but maybe having a more clearly defined environment in which to make the decision would help to de-stress the process and thus make things a little bit more clearer.
I don’t know if that helped but I hope that it did
“While I love my child, many of the day to day tasks of parenting aren’t my cup of tea and I’m only a little ashamed to admit it.” – why should we be ashamed to admit this? It’s HARD WORK being a parent. Not necessarily every… single… second… but there are times when it HARD and then there times when it’s so deliriously easy I think I must be forgetting something. During the easy times, I think, “screw it – let’s have TEN!”. (Of course, we have this little problem of needing ca$h to take care of those 10, and no ca$h tree in the backyard, like the Kardashians must have…)
Besides, I’m still training my husband… so it’s like I have two kids already.
I’m grateful for this discussion. I’m in your boat, Kate! I love Megan’s “joy:stress ratio” comment. My son just turned 1 last week, and I’ve been thinking more and more about whether or not to try for a second baby. I still feel fortunate to have enjoyed being pregnant; I LOVED it! However, I realize that is not even close to being a good reason (by itself) to try to add to our little family. I once asked my husband if wanting to avoid the inevitable exhaustion of having more than one young child around is a selfish reason to not try for another, and he said, “No, it’s responsible.” Not sure if my comments are helpful or not, but I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.
We’re only going to have one ourselves. This little one is still baking away but we know this is it and our family will be complete. For me, I had never wanted to have kids. And then I lost a loved one and decided family was important and I wanted 3. But then, after 4 years of infertility and 3 miscarriages of the course of a single year, we’ve refocused and decided on just one. We’re older now and know that with future pregnancies will come even more problems and likely losses. Going through those years on our own was hard enough, never mind having to care for someone completely dependent on you at the same time. Neither me or my husband ever got along with our siblings so having another wouldn’t be to give the child a companion, it’d just be for ourselves. And we know that with one, we can give him the attention we want while still having some measure of time and space for ourselves, since we’re both very introverted. We’ll also have the money to travel with our child which is something important to both of us as well. We know he won’t be alone, there’s tons of kids in our neighbourhood and he’ll have a cousin just a year older than him too to bond with (and likely younger ones in the future).
Best of luck with coming to a decision that fits your life and the plans you have for your family.
Totally empathize, like the others… I was on the fence about having even ONE child…
But now I have two cute little boys now, ages 2 and 5. While they drive me insane some days, and I am exhausted beyond belief most days… there is just nothing sweeter or cuter for me than to see the play together or tickle each other and such. Sometimes they sleep in the same bed with me and cuddle up, and that’s about when my head explodes from cuteness overload. 
I suppose my “advice” would be to only have a child if YOU (and only YOU) want to – FOR YOU. I know that sounds “terribly selfish” – but if you are consider doing it for your other child to have a sibling then don’t do it – for many families grow up and the children AREN’T super close. There’s really no guarentee that the kids will have compatible personalities and get along well, and after having my two kids I am convinced personality is determined in utero!
So if you do have another child – do it because YOU really want another one of these super special little beings in your life. They will be a ton of work, yes, but those early days don’t last forever. Good luck!
We are right there in this situation too! I love the idea of a sibling for my almost-two-year old boy. I think siblings give kids a whole new experience that only children just don’t get. I am also intrigued (notice I didn’t say “excited” or “happy”) about the idea of meeting a second person and seeing how he or she would be different from my son. I have always pictured myself with two kids, and somehow I’m not sure what things would look like with just one.
BUT, I too hate the drudgeries of day to day parenting, nor am I particularly good at them. If I’m being brutally honest, my husband has probably done slightly more than his share of the unpleasant jobs like getting up at night. Being pregnant made me miserable, and the early months were super difficult. The thought of doing that all again makes me sick to my stomach. My son is also quite high needs. He’s still sleeping poorly, is super full of energy (I’m not a high energy person), and you can’t take your eyes off him. He’s been this way since he was born, and I’m worried what would happen if we got another like him!
The twist is that I did have a very difficult birth and horrendous first year due to birth-related health problems. It seriously impacted my relationship with my son and my confidence in my mothering abilities, and I know it colored my ideas about having a baby. So my challenge now is teasing apart my own trauma and fears from my actual feelings about a second child. My husband and I have decided we’re not making any decisions about it for at least a year. I’m hoping some time will give me more perspective and help me think more clearly about what my husband and I REALLY want.
I’m also grateful for the timing of this post. My husband and I were just “talking” about this issue last night. Before we had our son, I thought life with a kid would be hard. But I had no idea how difficult things could be, and that was with a trouble-free pregnancy and delivery and a healthy baby. So I think it’s only natural that I hesitate when we talk about having another child. My husband and I are on opposite sides of the fence. He’s making a decision based on emotions, while I’m being much more practical (and pessimistic). Of course, I don’t want to look back on my life and regret not having another just because I was afraid it would be too hard.
Most of us who’ve commented so far are in the same boat – one kid and should we or shouldn’t we have another? I really want to hear from more people like Ingrid who have two or more kids, to see what their concerns were and how they overcame them.
Quick story…
When I first got engaged to a man that I had known for about year (my first boyfriend I met at 18 years old) I told him that I wanted to have a “childhood” before having kids because I was deprived one as a younger person.
When I found out that I was pregnant, who knew condoms didn’t always work and you could get pregnant your 3rd time, we decided to keep him. A horrible pregnancy, even more horrible birth, I thought that was it for me. When that baby was 3 months old, I got pregnant again. (who knew you could get pregnant while exclusively breastfeeding and using the timing method, fairly certain I had just started BC too) We decided to keep him.
Those two decisions changed my entire life!
I grew up, unfortunately my DH did not and I left him when the boys were 1 and 2 years old.
I met a new man (my second ever boyfriend) and we said that the two boys were it for us. When I found myself pregnant with my DD I cried! DH and I were already on the rocks, and I just knew the baby would be a girl. I was worried that she would be “left out” that the 5 and 6 yr old boys felt that they were not good enough and that I had always wanted a girl.
Needless to say, DH and I worked on us and agreed to have a girl the following year as her playmate.
2 perfect boys and 2 wonderfully delightful (but definitely a handful special needs) girls were awesome!
When I went to get my tubes tied they found I was pregnant. (who knew the one time I agreed to have sex with DH while waiting over 5 months for that appointment to come would make a baby, so much for pull out method.)
We had one more for her playmate the following year.
To make this long story shorter, miscarriage rocked my world. I swore I could not do it anymore. My hands were full, the drama was great, work, college and homeschooling for so many years almost caused me to snap.
Then I found myself pregnant 2 months after my miscarriage. I was terrified the entire time. I felt that fat was waiting to rob me of my baby, or my life. When he was born and he had to stay in the NICU despite being born very healthy and 41 weeks 5 day, I was devastated. I, literally, ignored everything else and just pumped and sat at the hospital. 2 weeks later (or so?) I decided it was the end.
I couldn’t talk to my DH because he didnt understand ANYTHING it seemed. I didn’t want to parent anyone and was jealous of all the freedoms everyone else had! I wanted to be selfish! I wanted fancy things and to take pointless trips and eat meat that cost too much because it was made by a “chef”
When I got over my debilitating depression, my kids were there and DH held his arms to me. I was worried about having a little one with no playmate, about adding “too many” about no being able to keep up.
DH and I had one last week and decided, no spacing beyond 18 months for us, and so we gave it up to fate. One time and if it didn’t take, then we were done. If it did, it was meant to be. 41 weeks later, my perfect son was born.
Through ALL the heartache, debilitating problems during pregnancy, the many questions, doubts, fears, comments from friends, family and strangers, one thing that I never doubted was how much I loved my kids.
I,literally, risked my life for them several times, and I would do it over and over if given the chance again.
I’m now “done” having birth children, but one day we hope to be able to give a home to children that don’t have parents that could not get past their problems and see that raising children is one of the best jobs out there.
All typos are entirely mine, except the ones that this iPhone auto corrected.
It’s YOUR CHOICE, sometimes the best road is the one that you allowto unfold in front of you instead of the neatly paved one you plow.
My first son is 3, and my second is 5.5 months. There was no question that we would have a second, mainly because we really wanted a sibling for my son. My husband and I are both from 2 kid families, and felt that having a sibling was too important to us to not give that to our son.
That said, two is REALLY hard!! When I was pregnant about half the people who had multiple kids told me that adjusting to having two was easier than adjusting to the first. The other half said that adjusting to having two was much harder than adjusting to one. Well, I found it MUCH harder! But, even though I found it much harder, I mention this because many people do seem to find it easier. I think it depends on you, your family structure, your schedules and routines, and your new baby.
I think re-phrasing the question might help. Rather than asking “Should I have another baby?” think of it as “Is my family complete?” If you can definitively answer that with a yes or no, you have your answer. If you can’t, then maybe just sit on it a bit. There’s nothing that says that if you have another baby it has to be now.
Of course, now I’m pondering the “Do I want a third?” question…
I think there’s a lot of peer pressure (either real or perceived) to have children “close together” if you are going to have more than one. As my son reached the one- and then two-year mark, I found myself feeling like we had to try again if we were going to try at all. I was nowhere near ready when he was a year, but sometime after he turned two the idea became exciting instead of terrifying. I guess just to say that if time allows and you’re able to wait awhile, your feelings may become clearer one way or the other as your child becomes even more independent.
I currently have an 8 month old and I have always thought I would have two children. After four days of labor with her and telling my husband right before I started pushing that I would never have another child, I wonder what I will do. I am so happy with one child. I love and adore her. She is the most wonderful person in the universe. But I find myself at an impasse when I consider another child, later. Will we have time and money? Will they get along? What if they don’t?
The biggest reason I feel for having another child at a later date is the relationship my husband and his sister share. I am several years older than both of my brothers, so our relationships are quite different. He and his sister, however, get along wonderfully and they have each other to talk to when they want to vent about their parents. They also both grew up and had the same childhood experiences. They love talking about their memories as children, especially now that we have a child. My best friend is an only child and has no one to share any of that with. She tells me she wishes she’d had siblings, especially now that she is older and having her own baby.
I think in the end you have to do what works for you as a family. There is a lot to be said for the emotional support siblings offer, for the things they teach each other as they grow and for the camaraderie they provide. But, my friend has found other outlets that provide the same benefits, even if in a different way. If you decide to have more children, you will know when the time is right. If you never have that moment where you know you should have more, then you’ll know that is right, too.
I am in the same boat. My husband was an only hold and he wants several more babies. I on the otherhand had several brothers and a terrible pregnancy and birth. I don’t want more. But sometimes I think it would be nice. I know that my husband and I have to discuss honestly about the potential baby and their impact on the household. Hope you can come to clarity soon.
I relate to the comment about “I feel extremely guilty thinking that what if I didn’t love the new baby as much as her.” My reasoning on that is fairly irrational, though
I look at my patterns: when it was just me and my husband, things were awesome. Then we got a pet, and I frequently ignored my husband, lol. Then we got another pet and I seemed to ignore the first one. Then we had a baby and I ignored the pets all together. (I should clarify, this is just how it feels to me. The pets- and the husband- are all fine. Well-fed, healthy, and only mildly attention-starved. No need to call PETA, lol.) But I worry very often: do I have enough love to go around? I am SO insanely in love with my son (he’s almost 14 months) and I don’t feel like I could ever be this attached to another human. I, too, want to hear from moms of more than one child. What was it like having another? Did you feel just as close to your second child? We originally wanted 3, but now I feel like I could never do justice to more than one. Also, I’m still nursing, so I’m wondering if that need to be so intent on nurturing will fade when we wean. Oh, the self-doubt!
Also, a huge thank you to Sara for saying “Rather than asking ‘Should I have another baby?’ think of it as ‘Is my family complete?’” That was eye-opening to me. I really have to think about that one, and appreciate the point-of-view shift.
Dear Kate (and others),
Ambivalence is the name of the game in motherhood, I find!! I currently have two–a 4 year old and a 4 month old–and can’t imagine going for the third. The second, though, I think came out of a sense that brothers and sisters are fun to have; this conclusion, like Whitney’s conclusion, comes from my own experience as a sister of one brother and one sister. (But again–no third for me!!)
I like Whitney’s idea of “deciding” for a week at a time, and truly imagining what that feels like. Though much of this choice involves logistical realities–Can you afford it? Will you still be able to do the things that make you YOU?–the choice also involves that all-important gut check. I suspect that after your week experiments, your gut will tell you one thing or another.
One more idea: do you need to begin the process right now? I had my second at age 39, and could not have imagined #2 before #1 was on the verge of 4. Also: I work full-time, and this keeps me sane. This is the thing that makes me able to mother two, I think. It makes me feel like I am still “me” (a friend, a professional, a sometimes sane wife). I’m not sure how this figures into your situation.
All the best of luck! You’ll make the right decision.
Lisa
Thank you, thank you, thank you ALL!! When I googled the question “how do you know if you should try for a second child” I didn’t think I would find anything. What a goldmine I have found from all of you wonderful ladies, and Juan
) I am going to show this thread to my husband tonight. I found something very useful from every single entry. Thank you all so much and especially thank you Kate for starting this conversation, you worded it perfectly as if you were me (but a much better writer!). Anyway, I have a lot to think about now, my husband and I have been swaying back and forth, juggling the pros and cons of each option, not knowing which way to go. I also think the Dr Phil method of deciding and going by gut feeling will help. My gut instinct is normally very strong and is normally right.
One (horrible) thought I have but that does play on my mind, is what if we only have one child and then something (accidental or medical or otherwise) happens to that child that takes him from us, he dies and leaves us with nothing but heart-wrenching sorrow. I think if we had another child it would give me something to carry on living for. I think if my son died before me (he’s 10mths old now and just the most gorgeous baby every – in my eyes of course!) I would want to go with him, I couldn’t live remembering him everyday, I would curl up and cry continuously I think. This is probably a ridiculous and irrational thought. Also I am going to be 38yrs old this November so time is crunching down on us, I worry that the longer we leave it to decide, if I get pregnant again we may have a special needs baby that I don’t know if I would have the energy to handle. I course you just find the energy don’t you but my son would end up missing out.
Thank you again everyone for your help.
[...] in Having 2+ kids If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to our RSS feed. Our posts are always more fun than wiping someone’s tushy!I asked my friend Deborah to weigh in on the decision to have a second baby. I know that Deb doesn’t throw caution to the wind when it comes to major life decisions, so I am happy to share her contribution to this discussion. [...]
First off I want to say that all of the comments are wonderful, thank you to JustThe10 for sharing your amazing story.
We are actually one step past this discussion and in the TTC phase for #2. I too believe it is a very personal decision to have another child, but I also know how helpful other peoples stories can be.
I am one of 7 children in a blended family, so the chaos and madness of a busy household is comforting to me, even though I love my quiet too. DH and I have been together almost a decade and married for 5 years. We always talked about having multiple children so that was no surprise to us. We waited what some of our family would consider a long time to have #1, we are planners and we had to make sure the time was right. DD is 8 months old and immediately after giving birth I was honestly ready to start on #2, but I waited for DH to put in his 2 cents worth. After 6 months the discussions began about should we wait until DD was 1 or 2 before trying again or should be just go for it. We weighed pros and cons of having them close in age or far apart and also added in that #3 and possibly #4 should come before I am 35 (currently 29). At the 6.5 mo mark we decided to come off birth control but not to “stress” with making it happen. I am still EBFing and may not even be ovulating at this point but we know it is in the works and if it is meant to be then I know it will happen.
I did have an easy pregnancy that I can remember, DH seems to remember the not so glamorous parts of morning sickness and fatigue but I have amnesia to that. I also had a fairly easy labor and delivery. DD is an even tempered baby and only rarely has her “moments”. She still wakes in the middle of the night and even though I am running on less sleep I love my life. I have no idea if it will go that way this next time around, but I am willing to chance it. I am a WAHM and some days I do sit in the silence after a massive baby breakdown and wonder if I can do it again, and if I can continue to juggle it all. Adding #2 will not be easy, but nothing worth having in life is. All I know is there are holes in my heart that I know are supposed to be filled with my babies and whether is 3, 4 or more when I am done having children I will know it!
I wish clarity in either direction for those who are struggling to make a decision.
i had to just copy and paste my original post from just last night on my own site- HighCountryMommies.com. its amazing how fate/timing works when you are in such desperate need of support!
‘i’m so sentimental today, but have been for a few months. my baby girl is almost 3 and lately i’ve been having overwhelming feelings of just sticking with one baby.
all my ideas used to be of having multiple children- a whole house full- even fostering kids once my own got big enough to understand the foster care process.
now, i am so torn. yes, there is plenty of time to decide to have another but at the same time, DD will enter preschool next year and I do need to make decisions about schooling and a job for myself. we have always said any more children would get the same attention of SAHMothering that DD has gotten which is why i feel pressure to choose one path or the other.
DH is an only child and is fine with just 1 kid but would also be fine with more. He’s left the decision solely to me. I have a younger sister and we have a terrible relationship. I have 7 more years before I need to do anything with my IUD so i don’t have the added pressure of re-activating my birth control.
for those who waited more than 3 years between your children- did you go through these racing feelings? did you choose to embrace them or did you just ignore and conceive another?’
thank you ladies for sharing your stories and advice.
Dear Mommies,
I am also struggling with this decision. We have a wonderful, funny, adorable 13 month old who by all accounts is a typical “baby.” I couldn’t wait to get pregnant after we got married and getting pregnant happened two months into our marriage. My pregnancy was ok but the first six months was tough. Our daughter had kidney issues and needed to have surgery. She is totally healthy now with two great kidneys, thank goodness. But, this whole experience really changed the optimistic view I had towards motherhood.
I always thought having two was not a question. I really do hope that soon I can say I am ready. Some days I love being a mom and some days I just miss the freedom you had before kids. Some people say having your second is easier… but is it???
[...] someone's tushy!I want to continue the discussion about having a second child. I have two kids. I never thought about having less. Sure, I’ve thought about more, but the feeling that my family is complete has stopped me. [...]
[...] I saw Heather and Whitney post their reader query about whether or not to have a second child, my immediate thought was, If only it was as simple as deciding yes or no. I come from a large [...]
I really enjoyed reading all of these comments! I am struggling with wondering what is right for my family. How do you know if you even want a second child? My son is 16 months old, and I so adore him I can’t even believe it some days. That being said, motherhood is still hard. Sometimes I feel that I am the only honest person that I know regarding this subject. Recently, while voicing my feelings on mothering, someone jokingly said to me “so basically, you’re miserable”. I thought, wow, that is really harsh. Is that really how I sound? Maybe I need to change what I say. But in reality, I love being a mom (to my son). I don’t think I would love being a mom to every child though. And I think it’s honest to say that colic, sleepless nights, and feeling like a single parent are not as euphoric as others would have you think. I’ve also heard a friend say, “the older you are, the more you appreciate it.”. This thought doesn’t really work for me either. It really helps to read that women of all ages on this site feel the same way I do. I just wish someone had a real answer about whether more than one child is right for me
.
We’ve done a bunch of posts on this topic and the answer is different for every family… but, taking the long view, do you picture your family with more kids at the dinner table in the future? Sometimes, that helps!
I made an entry on this previously but now would like to add something else, and also respond to Emily. The decider for me was, my friend said to me “you’ll never regret having another child”. Which in turn you can add, but you may regret later, only having one. This comment from my friend basically stopped all the confusion for me and we are now expecting number two, it’s very early days now.
For Emily, you sound a bit like me in that at different times in my life I have just wished someone would tell me what to do. It can be very frustrating. In this decision Emily no one can tell you what is the right decision because like every baby, every adult is different too. Someone may tell you what they think is right for you based on what they see but they don’t know you like you know you!
Do you think you would regret having a second child? I think if you love being a Mum and love your child so much like you say, you will love a second child, i can understand not loving all children of course, but it is built in you to love your own, its a chemical reaction. And of course all babies are different so you may have a really cruisey baby second time around that is easy to handle. Apparently the hard, exhausting times are just the early days, once they get older and can entertain themselves a bit, have conversations with you and finally … go to school, it all gets a lot easier.
Good luck with your decision making.
Hi Emily,
As someone who decided to stop at one child, it was because while I love my son and being a mom, I really enjoy my time one on one with him as well as my time being child-free. Adding a second one would mean less of both of those things. The amount of resources (i.e. money, time, feeding, clothing, caring) we’d spend on #2 was also a factor. Day care alone is $12K a year. I never worried about him being an “only child” because he spends all day at school with 10 other kids in the room and weekends playing with neighborhood kids. I have other friends and coworkers who have made the same choice and somehow that feels reassuring because I definitely think there is pressure on people to add siblings. Of course, there is the possibility for regret, but in my thinking, that is just one emotion we experience in life for many reasons, not something for me to have made a decision around. If you yearn for one, have one.
Good luck with your process!
Amanda
Wow, great comments. We’re struggling with the same decision right now. Son is about to turn 2, I’m approaching 35, and now that things are getting easier, just don’t know if we want to do it again. But we’re still on that you won’t regret a child…
i know i’m a little late joining the conversation. i really appreciate hearing everyone’s thoughts. i wish i had an opinion of my own strong enough to share with you all. thus, the problem…i’m waffling. i’ve been waffling for years now. literally. one moment, i’m ready to make the risk and go for #2, the next moment, i decide our family is perfectly complete or i’m paralyzed with fear at the thought of upsetting the balance we’re trying to maintain. i think FEAR is the real thing holding me back. i have a spunky (read: strong-willed!) 2 1/2 yr. old girl and am struggling with whether to have another child. i’m one of 4 girls in my family and my husband is one of 5. our siblings are incredibly important to us. my parents died several years ago (in their 50′s) and i cannot imagine having gone through this experience alone. some moments, i really do feel like our family is complete as is…we’re financially stable, our daughter is in a routine in her preschool (i work full-time), we’ve got a good groove going. not that it’s easy all the time, especially with her temper and strong-willed nature. my relationship with my husband is strained over our different parenting styles….but we really do have a pretty good thing going. we are blessed. and i think WHY would be possibly risk having another child and having to readjust to a whole new set of challenges and adjustments?? great question. i’m not sure why but i cannot get the thought out of my head. i’m quite obsessed with the idea of having another baby. i think about it all the time. i’m not sure if i just need to accept that our family is complete, grieve the loss of her baby-hood, and move on, or if this overwhelming anxiety and obsession means i really DO want another child!?? i mentioned that i’m fearful….fearful that some thing will be wrong with the new baby (i’m almost 40), fearful that it will be even more stress on our family, financially, emotionally and otherwise, ugh. it’s tough. a much tougher decision than i ever thought it would be. it doesn’t help that i feel like a clock is ticking……i’m getting old!
Hi everyone, I was searching online, trying to see if I can decided if I want another child. Reading other mommies comments and I relate to most of them. I have an amazing 5 year old son. My DH and I decided to have another baby when he was 3 years old so he can have a sibiling however for two years I couldn’t get pregnant. Right when we decided to quit, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and I lost the baby (the heart stop). This happened last week, we are still coping. It’s so hard because we found out it was a girl too! My husband would have been super happy having a little girl around. Now I don’t know if we should try again, we do feel a lot of pressure from friends and family. I do feel my family is complete, we’re happy and very blessed. Because of my age, I’m 38 (will be 39 soon), there are a lot of risk involved and I don’t know if we should risk it. I also worry about spending less time wth my husband since things are so easy now. I also worry about day care costs. One comment a mommy said was “what if you regret not having a second baby”. Well what happens if you bring a baby into this world with special needs, it will be rough for all of us. I don’t know, I’m really confused.
I too am currently struggling with this issue. My situation is a little different. I never wanted kids, never had any desire to have any. Was happily married for 8 years, had a dog and a house. Then on my 40th birthday, starting thinking about what life was really all about – wasn’t there more than going to work every day and coming home and watching TV every night. Started regretting decision not to have children and assumed it was too late. Well, it wasn’t too late, my husband was on-board and things happened pretty fast. Our daughter is 3 now. I had a complicated pregnancy (3 months bed rest) and did not deal well with the infant year. Was absolutely positive I didn’t want any more. Now my daughter is the love of my life and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. After giving away all the baby stuff (some as recently as last month), I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling that I wanted another. But, as Wendy on April 6, 2012 said, I’m afraid of messing up a wonderful situation between my husband, daughter and I. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m almost 45 and would have added risks. I feel like I would be ruining this special bond I have with my daughter. But I also wonder, on the flip side, if I could be even happier with a second. I’m tending to think that if I’m asking myself this question, I might regret not having another the way I regretted not having any kids in the first place when I turned 40. But I also don’t buy into the argument that you only regret the kids you don’t have. I fear having another and regretting the more simple life with just one, wishing we could go on vacations, or wishing I could focus my attention on my daughter the way I used to. Its a difficult decision….
I wrote a few weeks ago here undecided if I wanted to have another baby. Well, I wanted to write again and tell everyone that my husband and I decided not too and once we’ve made that decision, I’ve been feeling a lot better. Being undecided drove me nuts! We based our decision on several reasons, one being financial reasons. Although I’m sure we would have been able to work it out but day-care around here are about $800 a month!! We also don’t have the family support we use to have. It’ll be difficult for my in-laws to take care of two kids compared to my son (who’s five already) and I can’t count on my family. Another topic my husband and I spoke about, was the fact that we were only together for six months before we got married and got pregnant. We didn’t get to enjoy each other company much and now that my son is five years old, it’s much easier for us three to go on vacations, go to the movies, eat out or sleep-in
To keep our son company, we got him a puppy. Our puppy doesn’t grow much, she’s easy to train and we take on our vacations. Sometimes they play around so much, it feels like we have two kids but I’m happy they keep each other entertained and that they’re growing together.
I wish everyone the best with the decisions they make – God Bless!!!
I am so glad i found this site. I felt like i was the only one that was having so much trouble deciding on whether or not to have another baby. I relate so much with everyones comment except for one thing. I have a 2 year old son and i also have two step children ages 5 and 8. so my dilemma is does my son have the best of both worlds where as he’s an only child except for every other weekend when he has two siblings. although it seems like he would be missing out on a full blooded sibling that would grow up with him and have the same experiences growing up. any thoughts on this?? thanks
hi ladies
I’m sooooo glad I found this page and was able to read all your insightful comments. here is my predicament.
I have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old whom I love with everything I have. I always wanted a little girl and was so surprised when she arrived (as I was convinced I was having a boy)! I never felt I had a close bond with my own mother and so am giving everything I can to my little girl to show her how special she is to me.
Anyway, I waited a long time for my husband to feel “grown up” enough to start a family and am now reaching 40 in a few months. Eek!
I didn’t consider adding to our family until very recently when everyone around me seems to be having baby number two. I seem to constantly get asked whether I might have another and if I hint that we are good as we are right now, they say “but wouldn’t it be great to have a sibling for her”. I’m finding it really tough hearing this as it has really started to play on my mind and I DO feel incredibly guilty that I’m not giving her a sibling, especially as she loves to play with other children. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty as it’s what my husband and I want that counts but still, I cant help but feel guilty…I’m obsessing about it now.
I’m fearful and scared to have another baby for the following reasons:
My age (supposedly more complications and risks in older pregnant women); The likely negative impact on my relationship with my husband (he’s not been as interested in our daughter really until she became a toddler and I do absolutely everything for her. He’s a complex character and we had some bumps in our marriage in the first months after my daughters birth); Finances going forward (we are comfortable right now but we don’t have a huge salary coming in); My own tolerance levels looking after a toddler and newborn (I can be prone to getting and feeling very impatient and emotional through difficult times, though never directed or in front of my daughter, I vent it out away from her);
Until recently my view of our family was always the three of us. we are at a stage now where things are settling and I get time to myself (and with my husband) in the evenings after she goes to bed and he loves spending time with her now she’s that bit older. I see my close girlfriends struggling to manage their older child’s daytime activities around the newborns napping and feeding schedules and feel grateful to have some consistency at present.
But then I hold a friends newborn and feel this overwhelming desire to be pregnant again! To see what we could “make” second time round. To not feel that I would have regrets later down the line not having tried for no. 2. I had a great pregnancy first time and loved “growing” a baby and nurturing my newborn into the big world. But I had all the time and energy in the world to devote to her as my first baby. it would be a hard juggling act for me personally to manage two…
But even before we get pregnant, I haven’t even asked him yet if he wants a second child as I’m afraid that he will say no and I will resent him which will eat away at me and the stability of our relationship……
I think in my heart of hearts, whilst reading all these other posts and writing my own, the answer has been apparent to me, but if faced with the question “if it just happened that you fell pregnant again (unplanned), how would you feel? My answer would be “overjoyed”!! So there lies my dilemma!!
Hi all – I too, didn’t realize that there were other Moms struggling with the same question. My daughter has just turned 2. My husband and I and mostly everyone in our family has two kids. I always wanted a boy and a girl. He always wanted 3 kids. He wants more than one for a sibling for her. I always thought I wanted a sibling for her – but I am so torn and have been – so on the fence. I have anxiety and depression and did well getting off of my meds to try to conceive the first time – but now we live away from family and friends and my anxiety and depression is strong without my meds – which I am on day two of being off of. I saved all of her baby stuff – always thinking for the next one. – but I’m 37. I fear that it will be too hard with two – my husband works a lot and it is just me and my daughter most of the time. I love her and have fun with her – but it is hard = really hard for me to keep up with the house, and taking care of her even tho we have so much fun together much of the time. She is in the terrible twos – but it also just started getting easier finally! I don’t/never wanted an only child. – but I’m afraid of how hard it could be with two -how much I’ll have to do alone – what if they have special needs. If I ask my daughter she says she wants a baby sister. As an only child till I was 7, I always wanted a brother or sister -and am so glad i have one. Cant imagine not having one even tho we are 7 years apart. My husband is glad he has a brother. So we started trying for number two – but I am so scared to have two!
I wish I knew what to do. My brother and I were both accidents – and my child and second child would both be planned! I wish someone could tell me what to do – But I guess its different for everyone!
It’s absolutely fascinating to read all the viewpoints here! And really reassuring to see I’m not alone in having many similar fears. We’re really struggling with the question of having a third. We have two already–a 13 year boy and a 5 year girl. A little history: I had a very hard time deciding on baby #2. My husband was ready for a second when my son was about 4 or 5, but I desperately wanted to save money for a house, and that was also the time that parenting got SO much easier. Gals, if you’re thinking it’s easier when your kids are 2 already, just wait until they are 4 and you can take them to the coffee shop with you and have a quiet conversation over coffee and hot cocoa! So I was pretty reluctant about baby #2. And in all honesty, I didn’t want another son. I always wanted a daughter, so I had to wait until I felt ready to accept the baby no matter the gender. So that took 7 years. My second pregnancy was not great, but getting the girl of my dreams was amazing. Having a bigger age difference was superb. The kids didn’t fight and parents could divide and conquer. I love dd just as much as I love my son, no more or less, so those fears were unfounded as well. With a boy and girl, we thought we were done, but a few months ago I found out I was pregnant. This was an accident, and I discovered I wasn’t unhappy about it, in fact was quite happy, but then I had a miscarriage. So now the question is whether to try again. We don’t feel a huge NEED to have another, I’m just guessing I will regret not at least trying for a third later in life.
My fears this time around are different from when we were discussing #2. I’m getting closer to 40 and health issues are a real thing. I worry about sticking one child in the middle. My middle sister has always been extremely unhappy about being a middle child and I can kind of see her point–no special attention that the first receives, no babying that the youngest does. I also have regrets about not staying home with my first two kids, even though we are financially in a much better place now because I worked. I don’t know if we could swing living on one salary at this point, so again I’d have the same regrets. And I don’t honestly know how we could afford college for a third child. They say that any baby born today will face a $100K/year tuition rate. So there are all these very good, very logical reasons not to try for another, and not much but a hunch on the flipside.
I guess it’s heartening to see so many people really thinking before leaping. But I also see a lot of us living in fear of the unknown, and lacking in the self-confidence to meet challenges. I wish there were magic answers for all, but peace of mind would be good too. Much luck with your decisions, ladies!
Hello again,
I wanted to leave another comment for everyone who wonders if they’ll “regret not having another.” I have a friend (more like a mentor, really, she’s helped me so much) who only has one child. They did try to have another and it, unfortunately, didn’t work out. But she told me this: She LOVES only having one child. She has never regretted stopping. They have been able to focus completely on giving their son everything he could ever need. Music lessons, vacations, camping trips, dinners at home, family weekends with board games- they know all his needs are met. They can also spend time AWAY from him more easily so that he gets his independent time as well. He is a junior in high school and quite an amazing, well-adjusted guy. He’s always had plenty of kids his age to be around, and doesn’t seem to mind being the only child. They also don’t have to worry about sending more than one kid to college, which is a huge bonus today.
While I was waffling about the decision, this really helped me a lot. Knowing that I wasn’t hurting my son by having him be the only child, knowing that I wouldn’t regret only having one- I needed to hear that. It’s ok to tell everyone when they (constantly!) ask if you’ll do it again that, no, you might not, and you’re happy with that. Don’t pressure yourself into caring for another human being because part of you thinks you SHOULD. Care for the child you have and let yourself be happy that’s where you might stay.
On the other hand (lol)… For me, once I started weaning my son off of breast-feeding- oh man those hormones came crashing down and I desperately wanted another baby, immediately. Ha! I was a crazy person for about 3 months. My husband was clear-headed enough to say we should wait until our son was a little older (fully weaned and maybe even potty trained) before we made any decisions, which was helpful as well. Don’t decide these things when you’re emotional or hormonal. Tell yourself you won’t make a final choice til you’re calm and clear. Now our son is a little over 2, and we’ve decided we’ll start trying after the holiday. I still worry and I still doubt, but my gut tells me I do want more. I’m clear-headed, I can feel what I really want, and I’m ready to make that happy choice. I hope you all get to that point, too no matter which way you choose. Give yourself time, don’t bow to pressure, and wait til that gut feeling is sure. Good luck!
We are waiting until our 2 year old turns 4 before we make a final decision since the doctor recommended we wait on things like getting tubes tied because many people change their mind and want more kids when their child is 2 or 3 ( I suppose since it gets easier). As of now, my daughter fulfills all my dreams of parenthood. I could use a few more hugs and cuddles, but a puppy would be more reliable for that.
I very much wanted a girl, and I got a smart cute kind one that I have fun with, and love like crazy. I think if she weren’t all that I hoped, I might be more inclined to have more. My family feels “complete” as a few of you mentioned.
I have a crazy busy job, still like to go out clubbing with friends, and like to travel. I hated pregnancy and newborn stage. The example families I know with several kids are always stressed and tired. We have no family around to help, and our nanny costs 50,000 dollars a year. I feel like if we want young kids around later we can foster. As of now when I visualize having more I have fear and dread. We’ll see if that’s true when she hits 4, our decision milestone.
I know that we changed our mind when our youngest got older than three. Crazy how that stuff happens.
I am so glad I came across this post. I was in bed unable to sleep because the thoughts of having another child were running around in my head. I got up and typed “should I have a second child”in the search box and here I am. My beautiful daughter is 3 (will be 4 in July) before I was a mother I always said I wanted my children close in age, because I have 3 sisters (we are all 2 1/2 years apart) and they are my best friends. So I alway assumed my children would be the same way. After we had our daughter we decided we were just going to have one. We love being able to spoil her and give her a life my husband and I never had. The past 6 months or so the idea of another one would pop in my mind, but I would talk myself out of it. The past month my daughter has been asking for a sister lol I have tried to explain to her in a way she would understand that we don’t choose if its a boy or girl. So the idea of another one has been eating at me since she has been asking for one. I feel the same way as someone posted above “how could I possibly love another as much as I love her” I’m not thrilled with the thought of being pregnant again and the idea of being pregnant and chasing after a little one really scares me because I had a horrible pregnancy and dangerous labor. But I feel selfish when I think of those reasons to not have another. the comment that probably helped me the most on here was “you won’t regret having another but you might regret not having another one” I don’t want my daughter to feel left out or anything or “less loved” because small babies take a lot of attention. I’m sure she would help me a lot tho and play little mommy. I’m pretty much just talking myself into it as I’m posting this lol you know your child is spoiled when they ask for a sibling and you seriously contemplate giving them one lol so to end my rant it be fun. I think yes maybe our family could use one more little laugh in the house…now off to see what the hubby has to say lol