Like many new moms, Suzanne Barston struggled to breastfeed her firstborn son. Despite support from her husband, consultations with lactation consultants, and a strong will to make it work, it simply did not work. As much as I would like to report that she was able to shrug it off, start a blog called FearlessFormulaFeeder.com, and move on, it was not that simple.
The disappointment, embarrassment, and guilt that came from her frustrating infant-feeding journey is a complex issue. She DID start a blog called Fearless Formula Feeder where women can share their stories and support one another, and now, she has published a book: Bottled Up: How the way we feed babies has come to define motherhood, and why it shouldn’t.
I couldn’t agree more with Suzanne that this is a topic worth the study she’s made of it. Part memoir, part sociocultural essay, Bottled Up addresses the position moms are put in when they read that breastfeeding is “the most important thing a mother can do for her baby,” and they cannot do it.
Whether due to physiological reasons, work, an intentional decision or not, formula feeding is perceived as an inferior path, as a lack of dedication to one’s baby.
For medical reasons, I was not allowed to breastfeed my son for ten days. The whole time, I felt like I wasn’t a real mom. I felt a heavy embarrassment in the hospital when I asked for formula, like I had to tell the story of all my blood work to every nurse so that they wouldn’t think I was uninformed. When I attended my first new mom support group, I felt grateful that my humiliating bottle-feeding phase was behind me, and then felt terrible for judging myself so harshly.
I thank Suzanne for opening dialog on this topic and for allowing me to share this excerpt of her book:
To be clear: this is not an anti-breastfeeding book. I think breastfeeding is an amazing thing, and I’ve seen it work very well for many of my friends. But this book is not for people who are trying to breastfeed– there’s already a plethora of great books on that subject, and more to come, I’m sure. This book is for the parents who wanted to breastfeed and couldn’t; women who are conflicted about nursing and want to make a truly informed decision about what to do with their bodies; breast-feeding advocates and care providers who are willing to listen to the myriad reasons that women may choose not to nurse; and for people who are curious about the other side of this worldwide baby-feeding frenzy.
Mostly, though, this book is for the woman who is in tears, with cracked nipples and a screaming baby whom she can’t mother because she is constantly hooked up to a pump, who wants so badly to quit breastfeeding and finds nothing but fear-and-guilt-inducing literature every where she turns… I hope this book will help her sit beside her breastfeeding friends, free from insecurity and judgment. I hope that it can inform a discussion which ultimately allows all women to feed their babies with pride, whether they are nourishing their babies from their breasts or from a bottle held in their hands, and that, ultimately, all women will have the freedom to find their own formula for good mothering.
> Find Bottled Up on Amazon.
> Read the posts on Fearless Formula Feeders
This sounds like it was written just for me. I had every intention of breastfeeding. Until my son who was a week old was literally starving. It turns out I don’t make milk. And it doesn’t matter what I eat, how much I pump, or even what medications I take. My boobs run on empty. It’s great to hear other people are helping this conversation and helping moms like me who struggled and felt like I let my babies down.
I have tears streaming down my cheeks after reading this post. I was the mother with cracked nipples, a screaming, starving baby, hooked to a pump with no milk to be pumped. And it broke my heart. Every time my friend, who gave birth across the hall from me, breast fed her son in front of me I felt a complete failure. It took over 6 months for me to finally realize it was out of my control and we were getting along in the best way we could.
My daughter is now 13 months and more than striving in all developmental areas. She was formula fed, is healthy, has a wonderful bond with me and her daddy and that is what’s most important!!!
I am going to order this book!!!
Thank you for this post!
Thank for posting about this book! I feel like I have to feed formula in secret or come up with excuses as to why I use it. I can’t wait to check this book out for myself.
Crying now. I’ve spent the past three months feeling absolutely awful. Week one went fine. By week two, he needed far more milk than I could give him, even if I did produce a normal amount. He would nurse for 7 hours straight. By week three, he didn’t even want to nurse and screamed every time I tried. I went to a nursing support group, I talked to a lactation consultant, I got prescribed Reglan, and I tried all the varieties of galactagogues out there. I still couldn’t make enough milk for him. My son is doing amazingly at 3 months, at 16 lbs (from 7), from formula and one nursing session a day, but I’ve still felt guilty. Thank you for this, and for the tears of relief that come along with it.
I’m glad you found this book and sad that it wasn’t around when I could have used it. For a long time, I wanted to write a post called “Formula, the other F-word” but I didn’t have the boobs to do it.
My third baby was a voracious kid who would eagerly nurse, drink pumped milk, and then suck down a bottle of formula like he was starving.
It was so very hard to cut myself slack and I needed to call in all my support team to feel okay about our practices of feeding him “all of the above”.
Thank you for posting this. I was able to breastfeed initially, but despite concerted effort and working with lactation consultants my supply continued to decrease over the past two months. My son would no longer nurse, but I kept pumping a teaspoon at a time until the day when every time I pumped the bottle was as dry when I finished as when I started. I have been crying about this for the past two months because of the many distressing thoughts it brings up (Something’s wrong with me, I can’t give my baby the most healthy diet, I failed at nursing, Will formula harm him in the long run?, Will it happen again when I have another baby? Is there something I could have done differently?) I feel the need to explain to everyone that I didn’t choose formula. I chose breastfeeding, but my body did not cooperate. I’ve been feeling in need of support and knowing there are other women like me, so thank you.
@Catharine, I’m so sorry to hear about your difficult experience. It just seems unfair. I hope you’ll check out Suzanne’s blog and find comfort in knowing that others have been in the same position.
@Tinabot and @Kelli, I’m not surprised to read that you still have such big feelings about not being able to nurse. It’s a really big deal!
@Alyssaz, I wish it weren’t the case that you feel shame about what’s in your baby’s bottle. It seems crazy, right, but I totally get why you feel that way!
I do think there is a difference (as the other comments show) between choosing from the get-go to not nurse and choosing to and having it not work for whatever reason. And the guilt that accompanies that “failure” makes me so sad, because of course it isn’t a failure. And yet, I get it. In the end, I was able to nurse my daughter for 3 years but when we started, she could not latch. I had to pump and then feed her with the to tiniest syringe, because she couldn’t latch on a bottle either. Eventually, she could latch if I used a nipple shield — but that was excruciatingly painful for me. Finally saw a lactation consultant and with her help my daughter latched without a shield for the first time.
But in those days when she wasn’t latchig and she was losing so much weight we had to go for weight checks ever day, I would sit and cry and say “This is the one thing I can do for her and I can’t even do that!!!” The emotions around it are so so strong.
And I needed someone to say to me, as my husband and my mom both did “This is not a failure. If you pump and give her bottles instead, that is okay. And if you give her formula instead, that is okay.” I feel very passionately about giving breastfeeding a go and doing my darnedest to make it work — but I also had to know deep down that she would be absolutely fine if it did not work. And we all owe each other the same grace.
I bought this book as soon as I read this post – I’m past the stage where I needed it, but can’t wait to read it anyway. I plan on keeping it to give to someone else who can use it, too, because I think there are many more of us out there than will ever admit it.
I had the opposite experience. I made milk, but my kid wouldn’t latch in the hospital. The nurses made me feel like I was the worst mother in the world for wanting to hold off on the formula and breastfeed. In the end, they basically strong-armed us into giving the formula even though I had pumped enough colostrum. With the help of a couple of lactation consultants, I breastfed exclusively till he was 5.5 months at which point he refused the breast. So now I pump four times a day and bottle feed the pumped breastmilk. He just turned 8 months and hasn’t had formula since those first two days in the hospital.
[...] Bottled Up: A must-read for all bottle-feeding moms [...]