When a discussion of using a housekeeper exploded over on The Happiest Mom, I was taken by surprise. More than a hundred women commented on Meagan’s post about outsourcing housecleaning. Many felt too guilty to consider it and more than a few took a stand against it.
My husband and I have a cleaning person come to our house twice per month, and we also have someone who mows our lawn and tends to our landscaping every other week. When Meagan’s commenters started accusing women who outsource household labor of spending their time and efforts on the wrong things, I started making a mental list of all the things I outsource that I could be doing myself.
I could grow all my own vegetables, but I buy them at the grocery store.
I could change my own oil; I’m sure my dad would be happy to teach me how.
I could hem dresses that are too long for me, but I take them to a tailor. Heck, I could sew the dresses myself, but it would take so long, they’d fit poorly, and buying the fabric and notions would probably cost as much.
But I don’t do those things, and I don’t feel guilty about it.
About every two months, I get a pedicure. And if less time has gone by, say six weeks, it’s possible that I will have not cut my toenails in between visits to the nail salon. It is then that I laugh at myself and think “Who am I that I outsource the cutting of my toenails? That’s just plain weird!”
(Yet I outsource my eyebrow maintenance, and I don’t feel uncomfortable about it.)
I know I might get blasted on this post for confessing these behaviors, as a commenter on The Happiest Mom wrote underneath my comment
Because you have soooo much more pressing things to do with your time (making your own notepads–good grief–and going to mommy “summits”) it’s great you have “Maria” (gee, I wonder, could she be latin/hispanic?) to clean your house. Does nobody else find this nauseating?
I don’t feel I have to defend the way I spend my time to a stranger, so I won’t go there.
I actually have made a handful of articles of clothing for myself with my sewing machine. Once, I made a potholder. I went through a beading phase and made necklaces. And now that I have kids came along I make things for them. Because it’s fun.
Usually, however, I buy things for myself already made. Isn’t this outsourcing? And usually I take my car to a car wash. (And when I am working, another woman puts my child down for her nap.)
Somehow, outsourcing housecleaning and childcare are the hot buttons. I’m guessing folks aren’t judging each other for buying bottled lemonade instead of making it from lemons.
When I hear people express guilt over hiring help, whether it’s for cleaning or childcare, I want to relieve that guilt for them. But we can’t tell each other how to feel.
So tell me, do you cut your own toenails?
I feel NO guilt about hiring a housekeeper. Or getting pedicures. Pretty much every single study out there says a happy mom is a good mom, and right now, my main priority is being a good mom.
Super duper harsh comment. People can be so rude on the internet.
I think the fact that someone would say that to you is strange. We are all different people, and we all have things we enjoy doing and things that we don’t. Sometimes money is a factor and sometimes it’s not. While I enjoy sewing, and I actually enjoy cleaning, some people don’t. Does that make the time they spend on other things less important or wasted? No way! And I think treating yourself to getting your toenails cut by a professional is a nice little 30 minutes of peace. Something that I would like to start doing. For now, I do it myself.
People (especially, for some reason, women) can be such jerks when offered the anonymity of the Internet. You should never feel guilty for doing whatever you have to do to be a happy mom, whether that is working outside the home (outsourcing child care), hiring a housecleaner, etc. My husband and I have always said that the second we could afford it, we would be hiring a regular housecleaner, because we both hate it and let the house get really gross before we do anything about it. So, yes, I will be working outside the home and outsourcing my house cleaning, because I would rather spend what little time I have at home hanging out with my kid and my husband. And I will not be made to feel guilty about any of it.
The only thing that is guilt-inspiring here is the comment. That person should be ashamed of herself. Why, why, why can’t we have a discussion about the varied and thoughtful choices that different parents make for the good of themselves and their families without the judgmental comments about how strangers choose to spend their time and money. What kind of example is *that* for our children?
Oh, and I think it’s time I go get myself a pedicure.
I don’t usually cut my own toenails. Since I don’t buy a ton of makeup or get fancy hairstyles, that’s my indulgence.
Wow, can’t believe how excited/passionate/rude/etc. people get about something like this. As a mom of triplets, I think outsourcing as much as I can afford to (especially stuff I don’t like) so that I can spend more time (especially one on one time) with my daughters is vital. Sorry, that’s a lot of parenthetical statements…
Oh, and periodically it’s really nice to see that man of my dreams that I married too… 
I find it strange how competitive and judgemental grown women can be. When and where does it stop?? I mean, the moment you find out you’re pregnant women ask if you’ll have an epidural or be drug free. Then there are people who want to know if you’ll breast feed or feed “poisonous” formula to your infant… will you stay home or return to work? Geez louise! Can’t we all just leave each other alone? LOL. Being a mom is hard enough work, weather you have one “easy” little girl or five crazy boys, we should more supportive of each other. I don’t have a cleaning lady but I would love to. For the record, my mom cleans houses and she’s as white as they come… *gasp*.
Did you see this fantastic post on NY Times Motherlode: Never Mention the Housekeeper?
I always cut my own toenails because when I get pedicures the aesthetician always cuts them too short for my taste and my toes hurt for a week or so after.
As for that comment: Phwew! Harsh and uncalled for! Also I think it’s total BS because what she is doing is criticizing a small businessperson who is producing and promoting her product — information. Or in other words, working.
I think it really does come down to respecting other people’s choices about how they live their lives. One person may choose not to work outside the home. Another may choose to work outside the house for money. Yet another may have no choice about her work situation due to the bad economy. Families compromise and sacrifice and shuffle tasks around every stinkin’ day to do what’s best *for their own families*. (And hey, that includes parents too — not just kids!) Who am I to judge another person’s choices? I wish people would give others the benefit of the doubt and assume that everyone is doing the best they can to happily get through life.
To directly answer your question, I do cut my own toenails – even when I treat myself to a pedicure (but that is my own little weird thing).
More generally, the only guilt I would feel about “outsourcing” housecleaning and toenail cutting would be associated with whether the allocation of funds for those services is the best place the money could be spent for my family. Forty dollars for pedicures and $100 for housecleaning every two weeks is a ton of money. Vacation money. IRA money. Car lease money.
If there was more room in the budget, housecleaning would be on the top of the list of things to add to our monthly expenses along with yard service. There would be no guilt. None.
Hell no I dont cut my own toe nails. Besides the fact that I’m pregnant with twins and can’t reach my feet, there are other people out there who are way better at it than me. Same goes for cleaning the house. I keep it neat but my housekeeper who I love gets it really clean. I figure it’s an investment in my happiness and my marriage and I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. I followed the original explosion on the other blog and when I relayed the conversation to my husband he just shook his head and said “women are so mean to each other.” Why do we need to be so judgmental???? Life is hard enough. Jeez louise already.
Ok @Abby, LOVE this: “Hell no I dont cut my own toe nails.”
I’m with Erika. If I had the money for it, I would TOTALLY get a housekeeper. People forget that hired help used to be really common, even for the middle class. People are so judgmental when we should really be helping each other out.
I do cut my own nails, though, although I definitely outsource the eyebrows
Geez, is there no end to the amount of judgement we want to place on one another?
This is just crazy. If you can afford it, why would you spend time cleaning toilets instead of spending time with your kids, developing a talent or hobby, working on something you enjoy, etc.? Why is this perceived to be a negative?
I actually have a few friends that enjoy the process of cleaning their house, which sounds like insanity to me, but WHO AM I TO JUDGE? We recently had to let go of our housekeeper and it was sad and difficult for me to adjust. Not because I can’t clean my own house, but it means giving up time to do other things that I think make me and my children happier rather than give us a dust free nightstand. Unfortunately we were looking at being able to pay for grocieries versus pay for housekeeping and though it was a tough call, we decided everyone should probably continue to eat.
The truth is that none of us can “do it all” and if hiring someone to clean, babysit or take care of the lawn means we can do other things that develop who we are as people, why not?
I wrote a post recently about getting rid of my cleaning woman, a dark day indeed.
http://www.themommytherapy.com/2011/02/my-mom-was-right-ishits-dark-day.html
Cutting your own toenails…it’s just annoying and never attractive when you do it yourself so why would you if you’re just going to go have someone else fix them up in a few days? I totally support you on that!
I don’t cut my own toenails and I don’t deep-clean my own house. I am blessed to be able to have a housecleaner come mobthly to do a deep cleaning and monthly pedis are my special time out. That sort of narrow-minded judegment is really uncalled for. We each are allowed our own priorities. I’m sure I could be driving a much nicer car or sending my kid to private school but that’s not where I see my needs or desires.
Here in Belgium, you can get so called “titres services”, coupons you buy tax free to pay cleaning personnel. I guess it’s meant to reduce illegal work and assure that the people doing the cleaning have a health insurance etc. But it means also that it is quite normal to have someone to help with laundry and cleaning once in a while. As I don’t pay taxes and student loans are really not meant to be spend on housecleaning services, we’ll do the cleaning ourself, but to me it seems like a good thing to help someone earn his/her living.
Also, I guess if someone comes to clean your house twice a month, you (your husband, kids…) do a bit of cleaning up yourself. And wether or not it is demeaning to ask someone else to clean your house depends also on the state of your home and your attitude.
However, Belgians do seem do be more willing to cut their own toenails!
Is there something wrong with hiring someone who is Latin/Hispanic to do a job for you? People need work, and I am happy to pay someone to clean my house or take care of my yard when I can. I don’t think they are worth any less than me because they’re doing this job.
I just wanted to tell you that I went through on that blog post after it went up and was reading all the nasty comments that were made… and MANY of them were made by one person – the one who responded to you. I was particularly appalled by that judgment! I then went to check out her blog and her twitter feed and THAT day she was talking about how she needed to be less judgmental of people. How’d she do? She even came back later and was laughing about how badly she did. I felt sorry for her… she seems to be making herself miserable.
p.s. she has since taken her blog private and deleted her Twitter account. My guess is she felt some backlash. For what it’s worth.
And, as for my opinion, I absolutely agree with you. WHY do we have to judge each other (and compare ourselves to others)? Whether it’s putting kids in childcare, getting a nanny, hiring a housekeeper once a month, getting a pedicure, using disposable diapers, formula vs. breastfeeding, stages of baby development… there will ALWAYS be something. Let’s give each other some encouragement… not throw additional weights on shoulders!
p.s. I like that you filed this under “making me grumpy”. Awesome.
Like scrubbing my toilets, clipping my toenails is something I sometimes do for myself, and sometimes hire out, depending on my budget, my mood, and how well I want it done
Thanks for jumping in the conversation, Whitney! That comment to you was way out of line and said a lot about the person who made it.
Love this!! I never cut my own toenails unless it’s the dead of winter and I can’t bear to leave the salon in sandals in 20 degree weather. I also outsource housekeeping and it’s the best. Amen to the outsourcing!
I just followed your link to The Happiest Mom. Wow. I just can’t fathom how employing someone is exploiting them.
Would my housecleaner be better off if I fired her? Would my lawn service appreciate it if they lost me as a client? Am I somehow doing a disservice to the people who are being paid dearly to repair my kitchen cabinets at this very moments? What about when I go to a full service gas station? (If I can find one!)
Does the fact that, as a person who is mobility impaired, it would be difficult to impossible for me to perform many of these tasks myself make a difference? Does my disability give me a pass from being an exploiter when I hire a person to perform various services?
If so, does that mean that whoever is deciding these (and just who would that be) thinks that said disability makes me “less than” because I can not perform these tasks for myself? That would make about as much sense considering someone who performs these services for pay “less than.”
Just, wow.
Oh, I do clip my own toenails though, ’cause the idea of someone else messing with my feet kinda squees me out.
I think the women who call us to the carpet for outsourcing traditionally female tasks like childrearing, housecleaning, cooking and beauty feel a need to valid their own choice. Maybe they are making themselves miserable trying to do all the drudgery and want us to share in their misery.
i don’t have a housekeeper, and i don’t outsource most of the things you wrote in your post, (pedicures, tailors, etc.) i do most of them myself, BUT, i have NO PROBLEM with people who do! heck, i would LOVE to! i have always said that when it was fiscally responsible, i will have someone come once-twice a week and do my deep cleaning. it will give me more time with my kids, and more time to take care of the day-to-day of running a home and having a happy family. there is nothing wrong with that, not to mention the fact that in doing so i would be employing someone, using the means that i have to help someone else support their family–that is NOT exploitation! give me a break!
Your post reminded me that somewhere out there, there is a impoverished single parent out there at a bus stop in the rain waiting to go to a job for minimum wage with no benefits. They won’t see their kids until they are asleep. They are doing it all alone. But worst of all, nobody gives a damn what they think or how hard their life is or whether their house is clean or filthy or nothing at all.
“Unfortunately we were looking at being able to pay for grocieries versus pay for housekeeping and though it was a tough call, we decided everyone should probably continue to eat.”
I would rather not have to soak beans, or butcher my own meat, or can my own vegetables. I pay for some convenience. If I could afford to pay for cleanliness, I would.
It’s like everyone else is saying – you pay someone else to do stuff you don’t enjoy, so that you have time to do the stuff you DO enjoy (e.g. hanging with your kids or hubby). Or in Marmee’s case, to do even more stuff you probably don’t enjoy but need to do in order to survive.
I would outsource the typing of this comment if I could! What on earth?? What an absolutely bizarre thing to get your panties in a bunch over. Has housecleaning become the new hot button? What if I have someone clean my house so I can breastfeed my child and an orphan? Will they cancel each other out in this war?
I can tell you with 100% certainty that scrubbing a toilet has never and will never enrich my life, nor will it teach my children anything if they watch me do it. Outsourcing maintenance is a way to gain time to live your life. What’s wrong with that? But wait, maybe I should send this to my mom and lambast her for leaving me a list of chores to complete each day in the summer when I was a teenager & she was working – not only was she OUTSOURCING her motherly duties, she was also using CHILD LABOR to do so. The nerve.
I’m a stay at home mom and, yes, I have a wonderful person who comes to clean twice a month. (His name is David and he does a fabulous job. I love him.) As a family, we decided having a consistently clean house without the stress of multi-tasking with an infant or cleaning on the weekend when one of us could watch the baby was worth passing up on one or two dinners out each month. It’s really the only thing we outsource (yes, I cut my own toenails) because for us, it’s the most “worth it”. To each his own budget, you know?
When will we support one another? When will be stop criticizing and start learning from one another?
In the meantime, I will pay someone to clean my house, make my feet presentable, cut my hair, watch over my children once or twice a week, train me for a half marathon, change my snow tires (we have separate tires for winter in Canada, people), and lead my yoga class.
I don’t have a problem with this, because I worked 15-20 hours per week from home doing something I love. I make a money, while still being an active parent to my children. There are days when I think I’m really close to “having it all” and I don’t apologize for it.
If you have a problem with this and you have the gall to voice your objections, you couldn’t possibly have ever known the joy of a fresh pedicure. Go back to the days of Little House on the Prarie and keep your thoughts to yourself.
I don’t clean my own house but I make my own bacon. So, we all make choices about what we want to do and not to.
Living in California, I LOVE the commenter’s assumption that every employed Latino/a is “exploited.” Newsflash: in the year 2011, Latinos have all kinds of jobs! Golly gee, some are even doctors! And lawyers! And congressional representatives! And yes, some work in the service industry! (What an idiot.)
My housekeeper (a Latino male) sets an hourly rate. I pay it gladly for the work he does. As a freelancer myself, I understand this system well.
Kimberly and Ladykay had great points. Some women just LOVE to judge each other on every little life choice, as an attempt to validate whatever choice THEY made. I feel sad for those women, because instead of nurturing friendships with cool women, they are so caught up in their own drama and insecurity that they can’t just relax and enjoy the life that they have, seeing the positives in their own life instead of judging others’ life choices.
I’m a HUGE fan of hiring a housecleaner. I actually just hired a new company today because I wasn’t happy with the old one and it’s been about 6 months since their last visit. I’d rather spend $100 on a cleaning company to scrub my showers (no grazie) and deep clean my floors (also no grazie) and make more than $100 working during that time.
I also plan on getting a nanny to come 2 days a week after my maternity leave, and I have no problem with that. I will still be home with the baby but I KNOW I will appreciate having someone to change/play/put baby down for naps while I work for 2 solid days each week.
Anyway, people have different priorities. I like my house to be EXTREMELY clean and I’d rather not spend 2 hours scrubbing my bathroom. Hiring a housecleaner is money well spent to me!
PS- I don’t trim my toenails between pedicures either.
I work outside the home and the thought of my husband and I spending all Saturday cleaning the house when we could be spending it together as a family makes me ill. To each his own with career choices and how they choose to spend their money.
Oh & I too pay someone to cut my toenails!
I feel zero guilt about having someone clean my house every other week and clean up the yard every week. I’m gone 8 am to 6 pm working and commuting. My husband and I are busy enough with daily meals and chores. We both want to spend evenings and weekends with our 6-year-old son, not with a dust mop or a lawn mower. Also, my husband is neater than I am, so it’s good for our relationship that he knows the house will be clean at least every other Tuesday.
Having a housecleaner – once every SINGLE week – keeps my marriage together. My husband and I used to have enormous fights over dusting, washing windows and vacuuming; now we don’t. We can focus our time and energy on taking our kids to activities, spending time outside with them playing and going to work every day to afford the fun activities. I have ZERO guilt when it comes to contracting housekeeping out – I figure I’m spreading the wealth and keeping another mom (or 4) employed – and my husband and I will stay happily married for at least another 15 years.
I cut my own toenails but I pay for a gardener and housekeeper. My friend does my hair for free but I pay a bikini waxer to remove my unwanted hair. I even pay a friend to watch my baby and do sewing projects for me. Now I do work full time, so the time I recoup by paying other people to do my chores is time spent on vital life need like grocery shopping and laundry. Not to mention the precious little time I have with my adorable girl. I’ll be the first to say its luxurious but I have the money, so I dont feel bad spending it.
I feel like I need even fuller disclosure: I’ve paid my friend to do extremely basic mending for me. And I’m getting a mani/pedi Sat morning. BAM.
I HATE HOUSEWORK, there I said it!! As far as I am concerned, what I do with my time and money is no one’s business. It seems to me your “Mommy Summits” are WORK as well as an outlet for your creativity and judging from the amount of comments you receive on your blog, it would seem your WORK is much appreciated! Amazing how easily judgement is passed when you don’t have to look someone in the eye and perhaps find some empathy.
Interesting subject indeed! I would be thrilled to have someone clean our house, but since becoming a SAHM and having only 1 income at the moment I would probably feel bad. Once I’m back at work then I’d be allllllll for it.
Well said, my dear! I’ve been thinking about all of the outsourcing I do too and came up with a similar list. Eating out was on my list too. Like you, I was fascinated by the response. Your follow up is appreciated.
Wow! Well, I don’t outsource my house cleaning (although I wish I could or at least the deep cleaning part). And pedicures are a once in while treat. However, I do outsource my tailoring–although I wish I knew how to do it myself! I do outsource my childcare (to a wonderful provider) while others outsource the education of their children to me! And I come to you guys for information/support/entertainment, so I am so glad that you go to your mommy summits and do just what you do.
I gladly outsource the cutting of my toenails. At first it was just a “every so often” luxury, then it was a necessity when I was pregnant with my 2nd child when I couldn’t reach my feet. Now it is “me” time.
I cut my own nails but maybe twice a year. But someone cleans my house every week. It’s way cheaper than couples therapy. And I don’t feel a shred of guilt. Excellent post mama! I’m going to find you some size 35 israeli sandals to show off your pedi. xo
Think of all the truly wonderful things you might be able to do (clean up around the house, cut your own toenails, save the world) if you didn’t spend so much time being validated by people just like you on the Internet and posting blog after blog on the same tired topic!
How many different ways can an overprivileged mommy blogger defend her bourgeois lifestyle? Great experiment!
By the way…not trimming your toenails for 6 weeks is just gross, and totally ironic that people with such lax habits would on the other hand getting bikini waxes! Talk about something off balance!
How rude! People should mind their own beeswax…and their own bikini wax! (or apparent lack thereof)
I agree with many of the commenters who’ve mentioned that hiring someone to clean the house saves my marriage, my sanity, and (often) my relationship with my son. We can’t quite afford a regular housekeeper, but every time we’re in the black, you can bet that’s one of the first calls we make. The MomsRising.org just had a fantastic about Domestic Workers’ rights and resources.
My family works really hard for our money. When we spend this disposable income on some help around our house so we can do more stuff together as a family, it feels darn good. I say thank heaven for Domestic Workers.
I’m “guilty” of doing the same things- I have someone come to clean our house about once or twice a month, hire babysitters to watch my kids a couple of times a week, get manis and pedis every few weeks, take my car in to get an oil change… Why should moms feel guilty for having others help us get through the daily grind of motherhood?
It’s a really good point you make – what makes housecleaning and childcare any different from paying someone to, oh, cut your hair, or build you a house, or make you your supper? I don’t have a housekeeper (or kids, for that matter), but my family grew up with one. She definitely made my mom’s life far easier, and let her have more time to spend with us, and for that I’m very grateful.
Sorry that commenter was so rude – you can bet she doesn’t cut her own hair, and that indeed (in her words), nobody else found the post nauseating.
Okay – I’m totally old school. I think its a travesty that the cost of living has gotten so out of hand (thank you Nixon!) that there virtually is no middle class anymore. Believe me, if I could afford it, I would get me an “Alice”! Yes, you read right…as in Alice from “The Brady Bunch”!
The phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” didn’t come from nowhere. I’ve got a slob of a husband (still love him tho!), and five-year-old and three-month-old sons. I would have to spend virtually every waking moment cleaning to keep our house the way I’d like it, so I focus on the stuff that really drives me or hubby nuts, and take care of the rest when I can’t stand it anymore…otherwise, I’d just be another miserable, yelling, mean mommy.