Let me put my cards on the table: I’m out of boy names.
When Holden was still in utero, I had lots of great ideas. When Milo was baking, I had fewer great ideas. Now, I’m all tapped out.
As I look around our preschool, kindergarten class, and my extended circle of mom friends, I see a few wonderful names that might work perfectly. But am I allowed to use them?
There’s one in particular that I have my eye on. It fits most of my crazy self-imposed name rules: has two or three syllables; is uncommon but easy to say and spell; ends in an “N”, “R” or hard vowel sound; and would create decent initials. Without further research, I don’t yet know whether it is also the brand-name of a mediocre product in Australia and a literary name, but c’mon, you can’t have everything.
So, I’m trying to figure out if I can use it without violating a code of friendship.
Would you “steal” a friend’s baby’s name? Does it matter if they’re a close friend? Does it matter more if she’s an okay friend but your kids would cross paths (A LOT)? What if it’s a relative?
Has a friend ever “stolen” one of your favorite baby names? Did she ask you first? Were you flattered, angry, or totally indifferent?
Tough question! I would say it depends how close you are to the person…can you just talk with them about it? If it’s just an aquaintance, I say go for it! When you love a name, what else can you do?
~Penny Wise
http://thepennywisechick.com
I think names are off-limits if someone you are friends with already has used the name, especially if your kids would interact on a regular basis. My sister-in-law used a variation of the name we “had dibs on.” Yes, I was upset, but we still had time to change our name choice.
Since I have a unique name, I want my kids’ names to be unique, and knowing someone who has used the same name makes it “not unique” and therefore completely off limits in my opinion.
To me, names are secondary….it’s the personality of the child that counts.
If someone named their kid after one of my cubs, I’d be flattered. YMMV, of course…
For heaven’s sake WE DO NOT OWN NAMES. Just because my kids’ names are Carson and Cooper does not give me any ownership of those names whatsoever. If my best friend or a casual friend wants to use one of those names I cannot stop them.
Also, I would be completely flattered if someone I knew named their child the same as one of mine. Warm fuzzies because they love it as much as I do, and if you think about it, they STILL love it seeing my kid wearing it on a daily basis. It’s hard to not attach an opinion around a name if the kid who has it is a brat or you hate his mother. If someone were to use one of my boys’ names it would mean they thought, hey, still love that name even if I think of Christine’s kids every time I hear it.
The ONLY exception would be if someone in the family wanted to use it. That would just be weird.
The other thing? Most of the people in our lives right this second are blips on the radar screen. In ten years you may not even know these people, so why make a permanent decision about your baby’s name just to appease them???
I had a friend steal my son’s name- but she lives 300 miles away, they will be 2 years apart, and she asked me first. I was honored, really.
A friend from my book club circle (we’ve been meeting at least monthly for 7 years) gave birth to a little boy four months before I was due with my own child. Neither of us had shared our top name choices outside our immediate family, but she ended up choosing a short form of one of the two names we settled on for a boy. I wasn’t upset, because it’s an awesome name, but I was a little bit disappointed that they got to it first. Because we intended to use a different nickname, it stayed on our list. But it took a little freshness from the name, so it remains on a list and not our little guy’s birth certificate.
While I wouldn’t consider a name already in use in one of our families, I have no qualms about using a name that a friend has chosen. In fact, if we have another boy, that same name will be the top contender. The age difference makes it easier, as does the knowledge that it won’t matter much once they’re in school with their own sets of friends.
I’m in exactly the opposite camp as Doreen. We name our kids never really knowing if their name is going to be unusual or common for their generation. Eight years ago I’d never heard of the name “Jayden” and now they’re a dime a dozen. If you’ve really made an honest effort (looking at name books and websites, discussing it with your partner and trusted friends and family members) and you’re in love with the name that happens to already belong to an older child in your circle, then mention to that kid’s parents that you’re thinking of that name and get a sense of how they feel about it. Then make your decision based on their feedback.
My sister stole my son’s middle name (my first kid) for her third. (It’s a family name.) I was just a few weeks pregnant at the time and I was super upset, especially as I’d talked to her a few hours before she gave birth and she told me that the name was not being considered. The next day I got an email introducing the little one and there was the name. Yeah. I was mad.
If you interact with them on a regular basis, it’s off limits, imo. But I have a cousin whom I see maybe once a year, never talk to on the phone or anything… they have a boy named Emerson, which I just LOVE. I’m *thinking* of stealing it if we have a 4th boy
But I’m not even pregnant yet so we’ll see what happens!
I personally prefer classic, familiar sounding names. Something like Elizabeth or Charles, where you can’t immediately pinpoint the decade of birth. Unlike, um, my name.
So going in I knew my daughter wasn’t going to be the only one we ever met. This is just a long winded way of saying I have different naming priorities than someone who values having an unusual name.
I would probably seriously consider a friend or schoolmate’s name, but mention it to the mother/father, saying something like, “Oh Gideon/Ruben/Oliver is such a fantastic name! We are actually considering it for our next boy.” And then see just how outraged the parent gets.
I just had this discussion with friends last week. If the friend likes you, you shouldn’t even have to ask. Names are not copyrighted. And the parent is not your friend, then you also don’t have to ask. Either way, they should be flattered that you think they have good taste!
On the other side though, my husband’s cousin is naming his baby girl the same name of my daughter. So they will have the same first and last name in the same extended family. It bothers me a little, but then, the two girls will probably never even meet.
My husband’s cousin just named their little girl the name we had picked out if our baby had been a girl. EXACT SAME name-first and middle. And this name change was at the last minute for them…they already had stuff with the other name they had choosen for the baby
kinda irks me!
IMO its not stealing unless they’ve “reserved” that name for an unborn child and you are aware of it. Even then, unless you’re best friends, they shouldn’t really try and exert control over what you name your child. Would it be unfortunate for two children to be named the same thing when their births are close and they are going to grow up in proximity to each other, perhaps. But everyone should have the right to name their child what they want regardless.
Besides, its not like you’re not taking another child’s name, and leaving them to choose another. Two people can share the same name. There simply aren’t enough names in the world for it to be any other way.
Great question. I am pondering this too as we’re considering having a second child. One name I love is the same as another boy at my son’s sitter–he’s a few years older though so the chances of him interacting much with a future bambino are pretty small, though his younger brother would likely be there with my son. I think that name is probably ok then.
But the more complicated one is a friend who went through a nasty divorce. They were working on getting pregnant when this happened and she had shared the name she was planning at the time. When her partner left her, it was devastating and awful, and right at that time I got pregnant myself. I had initially liked the name she shared, but because of the immediacy of the breakup I obviously didn’t want to use it out of respect. However, in the past couple years she and I have sort of drifted apart. We don’t talk regularly any more, but I still consider her a friend and “see” her online. I worry it might be hurtful to her to use that name, though again it’s not someone I interact with frequently or likely will. I have a hard time finding names I like, so I’m still keeping it in my back pocket.
My mom’s friend named her daughter Whitney many years after I was born and I think it gave them a sweet bond to both have Whitneys. I have never met that girl (we live in different states) and I don’t think she was named in my honor, but more inspired by the idea.
I would be flattered or pleased if someone used one of my children’s names. If we don’t run in the same every day circles, it’s hardly an issue. Also, if a name is a rising trend, or the name of a hot celebrity (Scarlett), it cannot really be owned by one set of parents, can it? We are influenced by so many factors that give us positive (or negative) associations with a name.
My cousin and I had picked the same girl middle name for our concurrent pregnancies and I loved it. She had a boy that time, and when she had a girl a couple of years later, I was actually sad that they didn’t use the same middle name I had given my daughter.
My forever favorite girls name, Adeline, has been at the top of my list for about 10 years. When I got pregnant, we threw around a couple other girls names, and a few boys names, but I was sincerely hoping to have a little girl and name her Adeline. About 5 months before my baby was born, a friend through my husbands work who we interact with on an occasional basis, had a little girl and named her, of course, Adeline. I was SO upset because I felt like we couldn’t use it. It turns out it was a family name for them, and I was very honest in my congratulations that we loved the name and that it was our first pick for a girl as well (so letting her know we weren’t trying to steal her name if we ended up using it).
As it happened, we had a boy (and named him Milo before I knew yours was a Milo too!), so Adeline wouldn’t have been an option anyway. We are still keeping it in the girl name arsenal, but allowing a few others to creep in as well.
My question is why are boys names so much harder to come by than girls?!
I always planned to name a boy Anthony after my dad, but my husband’s sister beat me to it. What could I say? We didn’t have a child for three more years anyway, and she’s a girl. We may never have a boy. It’s not mine to put on reserve indefinitely, just in case.
How about Nathan or Ryan? Those are my boys’ names.
I don’t really care if anyone uses them, maybe not my immediate siblings just because that is confusing, but my cousin has a son named Nathan and I still used it. I didn’t ask her, but I don’t think that she cares. My brother’s names is Bryan, and I just named my son Ryan. It’s a name, it’s not what makes a person a person.
My husband’s parents were in love with a name for a future daughter, and when she was born they went with it, with an unusual spelling, even though they’d just started hanging out with a couple who’d just had a daughter and used the same name and spelling. “Well, we just met these people and we probably won’t see them that much,” they thought. Forty-plus years later and the families are still close friends and those two girls have lived, happily, to tell the tale of having a best friend with he same name.
It probably comes down to what type of person you’re “stealing” the name from. Some people are reeeeeally touchy.
Someone asked me if they could use my daughter’s name for their baby girl; it was a friend of a friend and I was really touched that she asked and that she loved it so much. However, I do admit feeling a twinge of something (can’t place it) when I see baby pictures of Same Named Kid.
I think it depends on how close you are to the grown-ups. If you know someone well enough to know they’ll be bothered by it or if they’re family, then you probably shouldn’t do it without talking to them. But if you’re not sure, you probably aren’t super close to them and I think you can go for it. Names don’t belong to anyone.
My parents gave me a very unusual middle name — Lorelei — and in the years since I was born two cousins, a neighbor, my cousin’s daughter and my niece have also been given that same middle name. There is *no* doubt where anyone got it. My parents were thrilled by it and I’ve always felt a special bond with all the other Lorelei’s who’s parents “stole” the name.
What if you “asked’ this person if they would be okay with you naming your baby? You never know, they might even see it as a compliment. Good luck!
I think if it’s family steer clear…especially close family, but a friend or someone you see infrequently…why worry? Our daughter is Lidia and a woman at the daycare told me that she loved the name so much that they named thier new baby girl Lydia. I love that while my daughter’s name is still unusual…there are others out there. And Lidia thinks it’s awesome that the new baby at school has her name!
I didn’t steal a friend’s baby name, and I am not sure I would. But I guess it would depend on how common the name was – I think in your case that puts you out of the running. You could name your kid Jacob if a friend had a Jacob, I think. But probably not an uncommon name.
That being said, my boy’s name is Dexter. Which fits your criteria fine (unless you have hang-ups on naming your child after a TV show about a good serial killer…). Please feel free to steal the name – I won’t mind a bit!
A high school girlfriend of mine had a baby girl in December 2008, just as I was announcing my pregnancy (due in July 2009). She named her daughter Lucy, which was the top of our list for girls’ names. I told her that at the same time I told her I was pregnant, and she said she thought it was great and she would be honored. My husband and I did not find out the sex before our daughter was born, and we named her Lucy. Of course, if we lived near my friend or there was any possibility they would someday be in the same class at school, I might have rethought that decision. But we live 300 miles away, so I wasn’t worried about it.
I have a best friend with a daughter whose name is Olivia. Later my sister wanted to name her daughter Olivia, but was concerned. Because the name is very common it didn’t really matter, but she let my friend know anyway. She also told her what she was connecting the name too (Great-grandmother). The two Olivia’s get along great.
On the other hand my son’s name is Lincoln and there are no other Lincolns in the area. Friend or not if anyone in my community named their son Lincoln within the next five years I think I would be upset, even though it is not highly uncommon. I know it is silly, but I love the name and want it all for my own family.
We used my nephews middle name (which is also my father-in-laws name) for our 2nd sons first name. I never thought to ask my sister-in-law. I feel like middle names really don’t matter. Also I think that Facebook has made naming children somewhat difficult because I had a friend from college who named her daughter the name we were going to use if our 2nd was a girl and after that I thought I was “stealing” her name but truthfully I probably won’t ever see that college friend again and our kids probably won’t ever meet. I agree with most others that using a name I have used is flattery not stealing.
I would only borrow a name if I wouldn’t run into their child a lot. Even a long distance close friend.. probably not.
A casual friend of mine who lives in another stated e-mailed me during her pregnancy to ask if I would give my blessing for them to use my son’s name if they had a boy. It’s “Tavin” (like Gavin, but with a “T”, so a very unique name. I was honored, of course, but also appreciated that she had asked. Neither of us have ever heard of anyone else with that name, so it made me feel as though she were honoring my creativity. That said, if she would have chosen “Ian”, the name of my first child, I wouldn’t have even blinked. It’s a common name, so if they felt it was the right one for their child, then they should use it.
If it’s your BFF or close family member, then a conversation might be in order to find out how they feel about it. Otherwise, use the name that is “right” for your child and your family.
I mentioned our “reserved” girl name to a couple of people in the hopes that they wouldn’t use it, but now we may never need it. And now I’m out of boy names, too. This kid had better not come early!
Incidentally, we chose “Elijah” in 2008 thinking we were being unique and now know quite a few babies with that name. (You’re welcome to use that name, by the way. And feel free to pass on your extra boy names. I need ‘em! Ha!)
I started reading the other comments, but realized they wouldn’t change my opinion…so I skipped to this: I think no name is off-limits. We live in a world where people live all over and move often. I don’t keep in touch with any of the children I went to elementary school with, let alone the other Stephanies…and chances are, your kids aren’t going to grow up and live in the same town as the kids they play with now…same name or not. If someone else used the names I’ve chosen for my children, I would be flattered. After all, I loved the names, too! In some families, names are recycled a lot out of tradition; you find a new nickname or form of the name and it becomes your own while honoring a part of your past. In that case, it’s rare that someone minds if the name is used “too much.” Also, if you chose the name Jonathan, no one would blink (even if your closest friends had Jonathans) because it’s a very common name these days. I think the same rule of thumb should apply to any name! And the bottom line is that no one has ownership over any name (except maybe Prince and his symbol), so you are free to pick whatever name you like. Pretty great, huh?
I don’t have any problem with a friend or family member giving their kiddo the same name as mine. I agree with Penny Wise who said, “When you love a name, what else can you do?” Calling dibs on a name is rather silly, IMO, and if I fell in love with a particular name only to have someone else “beat me to the punch” by bestowing it on their baby, I wouldn’t be deterred a bit!
I think you mean “iconic” Australian brands, rather than mediocre. Have you considered Vegemite?
To me, it depends on how much time you would be spending with the namesake, and what their age is. If it’s another baby, I wouldn’t do it, but if it’s a friend of an older child, it doesn’t seem as much of an issue.
Could you claim that you let your kids pick out the name? I know someone who’s #1 child named #2 child after his best friend.
Confession: I liked the name “Milo” well before my husband came around. It was on our back burner for a while and then Whitney told me it was a leading contender if their baby (now Scarlett) was a boy.
All of a sudden, it legitimized the name for me and I went for it.
I think it depends entirely on… everything! Who the parents are and how close you are to them, how unique the name is, etc!
Good luck deciding!!!
Holden is a major car brand in Australia:
http://www.holden.com.au/home
Milo is a choc malt additive for milk in Australia, beloved my most kids:
http://www.milo.com.au/
Seems you’ve already got a theme going!
My husband and I are naming our first-born Henry. In 3 months. He was always going to be Henry. My husband is an only child and an only grand-child, his grandfather’s name is Henry, and it’s also his middle name. ITS IN THE DANG CARDS.
It’s fortunate that I have always loved that name and probably would have named him Henry regardless.
A medium-ish friend of mine is having a baby boy in a week or so. She and her husband did a baby name bracket (fun) and its down to 3 names, one of which is Henry. ALL of our friends have their money on Henry.
So, if she calls him Henry, we’re both having Henrys. I think that sucks, but whatever.
About a month before my son was born we moved (in the same neighborhood) to a new (100 year old) house. How fun, my neighbors kitty-corner across the street were expecting too. The questions play out: boy or girl. (Us: boy; Them: don’t know). Names (Us: William, called Liam, we’d had the name chosen since about 16 weeks; Them: still thinking.) Baby was born. Baby comes home. Neighbor has her baby. Imagine my surprise: he is William called Liam too! Well, that’s how it goes. Same situation — William is a family name and they already have a bunch of Will’s and Bill’s running around, so Liam it is. They plan together. We’ve been toying with Liam east and Liam west. . .but so far haven’t come up with anything that really works. On the other hand, it’s totally fine. They each call the other “other Liam.” Cute.
I say if it’s a family member or close friend, you should consider it off-limits or ask for permission; otherwise, go for it. That being said, I did ask a not-very-close friend if she would mind us stealing her baby name because she had her baby about two months before I had mine. She was happy we liked the name and said the more, the better (we live in different cities, though).
With my first girl we loved the name Marley. My best girlfriend was pregnant at the same time (due 3 wks apart). I told her very early on what we were thinking of for our little girl’s name- When I told her Marley, she said, “You’re kidding”! That’s the ONLY name we like and can agree on.” My husband and I agreed to “give” her the name with no hard feelings. I like the name Maisy better anyway (what we eventually named her).
So, yeah, if it’s a friend at all and the kid’s already born, I’d probably talk to them about it. They may be flattered. I’d think it would be way more sensitive of a topic if the baby’s name you’re after is still baking. I still love unpopular names though and dread the day I run into another kid with my girls’ names!
Good luck. It’s so hard. I kinda wish babies came with birth certificates the good old fashioned way like a Cabbage Patch doll did. How easy was that!?
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous to think that someone could own a name. What, next you’re not allowed to own the same Toy Story shirt as another kid? Or bring the same foods for lunch? Come on. My husband’s two best friends growing up had the same (very common) name as him. Now as adults they all have various nicknames for each other. I HIGHLY doubt the mothers hemmed and hawed over whether or not they would offend each other by naming their child. I am all about respecting friends and people close to you, but this is just silly. Is this another form of mommy wars or something?
i wouldn’t steal a name just the same as i would never date someone my friends have ever liked or dated…it just seems icky and wrong and unoriginal. and, i have had my names stolen in the past by people who had kids before me! or people who took my name choice and modified it to prove they didn’t steal it…needless to say, i don’t like it and i would not do it personally.
My thinking is that unless it is a family member, it’s fair game. Name your child the name that you love. You could move tomorrow and never interact with that person’s child again…and you would have given up a name you love for that?
I find it strange when people feel they own a name, it’s a name and unless you both have the same last name….it’s still different.
Use the name!
i dont have anyone around me with the same name as my baby girls. (Charlotte) So, i cant really discuss about it, but mu opinion is that really you cant own name.. And if grown ups are making scenes about it, something if wrong with them way of thinking.
I also think it is fair game. We don’t own names! I would talk to the person beforehand first, just to give them a “heads up.”
If someone used the name of one of my children, I would be flattered – I must have good taste! I say go for it!
I think name stealing is a silly concept. You can’t have dibs on a name. Next year perhaps some other kid with the same name as your friend will move to the school… names are public domain. We used one I had never heard before, but if I wanted to name my child anything, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I guess you could give them a heads up, but your baby won’t even be in the same grade as them, so why does it matter?
While name stealing is a silly idea, “picking the same name” can be an emotionally charged issue (see some of these comments!). I’ve always been against name stealing…until I had a similar issue happen to me.
I think it’s fine as long as you run it past the friend (if it is a close friend…if not, then I wouldn’t worry about running it by her). Just say, “I’ve been thinking about [name], and it is on our short list to name our baby. It is a great name [and I like the way it sounds with Milo and Holden/with our last name/etc.]”
When I was 6 months pg, I found out that a mom in my moms group had named her baby the same exact name that I was (secretly) considering. I was CRUSHED. I had a hard time choosing the name and then to find out that it had already been picked…argh! I really struggled with whether to keep the name…then decided I would, then I found out that the mom had actually named her baby a similar name (the friend who told me got the real name wrong…ha). So I was free to keep my name.
I say if you’re struggling and have found the one name that you like, then go with it! Good luck!
@Heather GF, Good thing I said I liked “Milo” outloud so that you could prevent me from stealing it. Kind of a bummer if we both kept our names secret and then you used it and I was counting on it. (Although in this case, I would have had 4 months to recover.)
I feel for the folks who felt their name was stolen, but also agree that it’s likely that two folks living similar life stages will have similar tastes. Why can’t it just be a fun thing, like “Hey, we both bought blue Subaru wagons!”
(P.S. It sounds like cross-country name borrowing is unanimously approved.)
This doesn’t answer your question about stealing names, but swiss-miss had a blog post last year in which she was crowd-sourcing name ideas for her yet to be born baby boy. There are tons of suggestions in the comments; many that fit your requirements. Just thought I’d post it to give you some more ideas: http://www.swiss-miss.com/2009/11/extreme-crowdsourcing.html
Depends on so much. If your friend is a BFF, then probably it’s off limits. Otherwise, probably agree. I can’t wait to find out what it will be.