I was sent an advance copy of Nurtureshock: New Thinking About Children in the fall because once upon a time I wrote a tiny blog post about “praising the verb and not the noun” when talking to children.
I let it sit on my shelf with the many other books I don’t have time for.
Coincidentally, my friend Sunny invited me to hear (the author) Po Bronson speak in Berkeley a few weeks later and I thought, “cool, I can get out of reading that book and make up my mind about it in one quick evening.” Wrong! He made me want to read it immediately. Darn.
Me, Po and Sunny in after October 2009 discussion
What I love:
- Thought-provoking. Nurtureshock turns many of the unconscious ideas we have about parenting upside-down. A chapter on why white parents don’t talk about race blew my mind wide open. It turns out that we need to do much more than merely providing a diverse environment. We need to say “the president has brown skin” too. (I’m oversimplifying — read the book and let’s discuss!)
- Wild mishmash of topics. Lying, sleeping, reckless driving, and why educational TV might be teaching my kids to fight. Each chapter brought fresh thinking to a disconnected area of parenting. Like a potluck. (The Baby Einstein and Sesame Street bits really got me going — read the book and let’s discuss!)
What I hate:
- No clear actions. Nurtureshock doesn’t claim to be an advice book but rather a research book. Still, I couldn’t help but read it with an eye toward how to improve my relationship with my sons. I learned plenty of things not to do, but not many ideas to do.
- That you haven’t all read it. When I began a job with a 20 minute bus commute, I was able to start and finish the book in one week. I gobbled it up. Now, why can’t I get my husband and friends and the world to read it quickly so we can discuss the topics? Seriously.
If you read the book, I beg you to tell me in the comments what parts blew your mind wide open. And what you’re going to do about it.
If Po is not coming to your town soon to whet your appetite for this book, read The Power (and Peril) of Praising your Kids as a little teaser.
I’ve read it and loved it and referenced it in a few posts so far. It’s definitely not a self-help or instructional book, but honestly I liked dthat about it. It leaves parents to draw our own conclusions about how to apply the research to our families, rather than prescribing the “right” things to do (which always rubs me the wrong way).
The chapter on race blew me away too. I also really enjoyed the chapter on why teenagers engage in risky behavior – haven’t yet posted about that one though.
Okay, I’m on board. Going to have to pick this one up at the library next!
I’ve been dying to discuss this with my husband, a friend, anyone, but am also frustrated that they haven’t read it, so thanks for posting about it. I’ve read a few reviews that also criticize the absence of ‘clear actions’ in the book, but I learned two that have made a difference at our house.
I really liked the chapter about lying and it made me realize how much adults tell casual lies in the course of regular conversation. I’ve started praising my 4 year-old daughter when she tells me the truth, and TRY to resist getting angry about whatever it was she did. It’s been a noticeable difference and she now says things like “I just wanted to tell you the truth, Mommy.”
I also liked the chapter about teaching self-control (that’s a paraphrase) and specifically how to play with your kid by having them make a list of activities they are going to do during the course of the play time. My daughter gets really into this and, once the list is set up, she can spend 30-40 minutes acting out the various roles. Although it does feel a little forced, it leads to very engaged and imaginative play time, which is cool to see.
Every chapter in this book blew my mind. I was a teacher before deciding to be a SAHM, so the chapter about intelligence & “giftedness” really got me going. As a parent of a not yet verbal 11 month old, I was relieved by the chapter about language acquisition (reinforcing attempts at language makes so much more sense than providing running commentary 24/7, but I always felt like a bad mom for not talking a mile minute around my son). Finally, the chapter which discusses the “Tools of the Mind” approach to pre-school & Kindergarten actually has me thinking about getting my early childhood credential and starting my own “Tools” pre-school (I must be crazy).` I haven’t read one book from start to finish since Bode was born, but I devoured this book in less than a week. I recommend it to every parent and teacher (despite its lack of “clear actions”).
The article you linked to was fascinating, and now I am dying to read the book! I also enjoyed the comments from others who have already read it–definitely looking forward to ongoing discussion!
I’ve read it! I’ve changed the way I talk to my (white) children about race as a result.
I agree – everyone should read it. I thought there were “actions” in certain places (how better to encourage your child than to say “you’re smart”, for example), and the Tools curriculum was really interesting. I want to get a copy for my children’s preschool (or at least that chapter!)
Okay, you’ve inspired me to get copies for the two coworkers I have currently expecting their first kids!
I read it a couple of months ago and have already loaned it out to several mommy friends.
One big lesson I took away is how we can’t assume children are little adults and how we constantly have to challenge our assumptions about them. My son is only 8 months old but I’ve already instituted some of the language suggestions and I definitely have noticed a difference.
I agree with one of the commenters above: every chapter in this book blew my mind. This is a must-read for every parent. That said…
The preschool bit (Tools of the Mind) – ummmm….seriously? No other school program has shown measurable results except for this one? Why isn’t this everywhere? Why?
Sleeping in – letting teenagers start school an hour later decreased the number of traffic accidents by some crazy amount? Again – why aren’t school systems responding to this data?
But the part about how having an involved Dad can have a downside behavior-wise (if the dad and mom aren’t on the same page from a discipline perspective)….that was hard to read. I wanted to just hear that we (as a generation) are better parents than our parents. This chapter served as a wake-up call for my husband and I. Being on the same page (and THUS…compromising at times) is now a high, high priority.
Shana, wasn’t there a chapter about fighting in which you can’t really hide your fights from your kids and they get stressed if they don’t know you’ve resolved your differences? I think so because the other week, my 4YO marched right up in between me and my bickering husband and wanted to know, “why are you arguing?” we resolved it in front of him on the spot. It was a paradigm shift.
Tara, Emily, Serena, Shana, that Tools curriculum was incredible. I can really see how my sons, especially the older one, could benefit from this type of play. Reading this chapter made me wonder if its already too late for this one, at the ripe old age of 4.75.
And Slanted Julie, it’s a wonder any of us survived past our teen years.
the entire book blew my mind and also didn’t alleviate my anxieties about raising my 18-month-old son. i got it from the oakland library – i was #57 on the hold list – but i really want to own a copy just so i can use it as a reference. (i rarely buy hardcover books and try to only buy used, so it’s big that i want to buy this one now.)
the thing that has stuck with me the most is the Tools of the Mind chapter, but that’s probably because we’re beginning to think about selecting a preschool. at the preschool fair in oakland a week ago, i asked countless preschool reps if they’d read NurtureShock and none of them had! i was telling them all about the play plan, etc. they probably thought i was nuts!
Yes, let’s finally talk about this book sometime soon, please! I’m still not done (maybe will finish when we go to Tahoe this weekend?) but would love to discuss. I also really liked the part about needing to discuss race more openly. I’ve found this actionable already. I sometimes hate his tone and the way he writes about research, as if the rest of us are all stupid. Sometimes seems a bit holier than thou . . .
Thanks to your post, I checked this book out from the library and have really enjoyed reading it. I have only read the first and last chapters (and am not really done with those) but it is so interesting to see this different point of view. But I am reading “with a grain of salt” because every parenting book you read will tell you their way is the best way, even though it is completely different from some other “expert” in another book.
With that said, the things they say make sense. Constantly telling your child they are smart may make them feel like failures if they come across something they can’t do well the first time. But I think that telling them they are smart on occasion is a good idea. Everyone needs a little boost and kids need to know they are not “dumb.” If their parents never tell them that, they will believe all the bullies in school who insult their intelligence.
I agree that babies who watch “baby” movies and hear the talking without seeing the face won’t understand as much. It makes sense because adults use facial expressions and lip-reading as important language ques. But I don’t know that it does any harm, despite what the book said. If I am doing all the same things as some other mom in the area of language development, but I let my little one watch a baby movie occasionally, I don’t think my baby will talk any less than the other one.
I am excited to keep reading this book and see what else they have to say.
[...] out together, she mentioned that she really wanted to read a book that had been featured over at Rookie Moms called NurtureShock: New Thinking About [...]
whoopie-do, good for you that you managed to read the book in one week. Seriously, would you like a medal?
[...] I first read about this book on RookieMoms.com, and then read an article about one of the topics covered (“The Power (and Peril) of Praising [...]
Jesse: you’re weird.
Everyone Else: I want to know more about Tools of the Mind! I wonder if there is a way to replicate its effects at home…?
Hi-
I am reading it, and yes, it is turning all the ideas that I had about parenting on their head…
Am so interested in a book review on this! C’mon Heather, can we have a whole blog post on this and questions for discussion, etc like an online book club?
I’d for sure participate.
hi nanda,
i’m a parent in oakland with a 2 year old and 1 year old. would totally appreciate it if you could let me know if you ended up finding a preschool that you’re happy with and maybe incorporates the “tools” curriculum.
thanks!
ener
enerchiu@yahoo.com
If you really want a book to help with your relationship with your son, try “Bonds That Make Us Free” by C. Terry Warner. It is another eye-opening book, and not just about relationships with children. You will see both your kids and yourself in a different light.
Almost done reading this book. I bought it over a year a ago, read the teenage chapter, and then put it down, for lack of time. However, I started to read it again and I am absolutely fascinated with it. I’ve already done research and there are no schools in my area that have tools of the mind. Anyone have a book title they can recommned that has info on that?
YES, I totally loved the book….or well as far as I’ve gotten since yesterday! (I read fast, I’ll have it finished tonight) As a hopeful adoptive parent, I”ve been reading lots of books. I work at a church that has a pre-school and marched down to our director and insisted that she read the chapter on The Tools of the Mind stuff. I so so want our kids to be exposed to that method, even if only a little bit from what the teachers can glean from books. (We couldn’t find any workshops for teachers using it yet) It also made me very aware of how I want to make sure that I praise kids in more constructive ways instead of “you’re so smart” The chapter on pre-school/k giftedness was really informative too…proof that you’ll need to fight for your kid when 3rd grade rolls around! (Which is actually when *my* elementary school started the G/T program I was in 25+ years ago) So, just to throw it out there, I really liked it too…hope you get lots of comments.