At Whitney’s impassioned suggestion, I joined a new moms’ group and it was my lifeline for those first challenging months of motherhood. We met together for heart-to-heart discussions (about nipples, sleep, sex drive) and also to get our butts out of the house for outings.
In addition to group playdates, we scheduled regular meetings for Moms’ Night Out. I took the lead and sent out monthly reminders to meet up (sans baby) for bonding sessions over post-bedtime wine. Despite our collective best intentions, my group drifted. (But I’ve heard greater success stories: More than five year’s later, Whitney’s mom’s group actually still meets up for MNO. They supported each other through the births of their second children and now compare notes on Kindergarten.)
My husband, on the other hand, didn’t have as much of a network for all things baby. Most of his best guy friends had not yet taken the plunge into parenthood. And — shocking, I know — he never spent much time on the parenting blogs. I wished he had a daddies group though, some dudes to tell him that his crazy wife and refluxy baby were actually pretty normal.
But guys are different that way. He didn’t really seek it out. He spends his time on the playground playing or zoning out and not striking up conversations.
Eventually, he found a group (of mostly dads) that cycles in Berkeley twice a week before work. (I introduced him to these guys for bike-riding, but that’s not really part of this story.) Having to finish a bike ride by 7:30am so you can catch the bus for work and also help with preschool drop-off is not a single guy thing. Not in the Bay Area where you can safely roll into work at 10am for many jobs.
[photo by peter r]
As luck would have it, they meet for post-bedtime bonding over beer. Sure, they mostly talk about bikes, urban planning, and geeky tech stuff (so they tell me) rather than kids and pesky wives, but I love that he has a dad posse to convince him we’re normal.
Every third Thursday they meet at the local pizza place and pub. Attendance ranges from two to twelve and nobody stresses about it (which would NEVER fly at moms’ group btw).
The evening starts around 7:30 (I try my best to get him to bathe the boys before going because I am a little crazy) and ends whenever. Since these guys are also his cycling friends, they usually to return early enough to wake up for 6am rides on Friday. But not always.
How many of us wish our husbands would join a Dad’s Group?
See also reclaiming custody of ourselves as individuals.
Count my hand as raised. I can’t even get my baby daddy to spend time with his own (pre baby) friends, let alone a group of dads!
My hubby is another cyclist. They don’t meet for beers, but have long Sunday morning rides and chat over coffee somewhere along the way. I’d much rather he did that than spend nights in the pub (which he still does occassionally with workmates).
I actually wish my Mothers Group did MNO, but half the Mums aren’t confident to leave bubs with their Dad, which makes it difficult.
I SOOO wanted my husband to find a group of dads. I had my moms, from both my new moms class and my local Moms of Twins club, and I credit both of those organizations/groups with helping me keep my sanity that first year. The place where I took my mom/baby classes even had a special “new dads” class! Couldn’t convince him to go.
He points out (rightly) that it simply isn’t the same thing for men as it is for women. And I think that’s true.
Still, though, having your crew is SO immensely valuable. Ah well.
Absolutely, dads need support groups. There are so many help and support groups for moms. Fathers are at times placed on the back burner. Today, I am finding more and more sites which are directed towards fathers.
Count me in — I totally worry about my husband, since he doesn’t have any ‘boyfriends’. Am I crazy? I’m amazed at this daddy group.
I am amazed as well. This would be wonderful. My significant other doesn’t have many friends that are also fathers. He definitely needs something like this. I wish I could set it up!