I want to continue the discussion about having a second child. I have two kids. I never thought about having less. Sure, I’ve thought about more, but the feeling that my family is complete has stopped me. Perhaps I’ll never give up on the fantasy of a victory baby that gets conceived the old-fashioned way, but let’s hope that by the time I’m fifty, I’ll have moved on.
Anyhow, I’ve heard people say that two kids are “more than twice the work”, and I wonder if you guys with two kids agree. Increasingly, I observe that just having one of them around feels like half the work. With only one child in my charge, there are fewer obstacles to pleasure and less conflict resolution. (However, I do adore how much my children play together and think it’s wonderful for them AND for me.)
I am no longer embarassed to put in writing that I was afraid of being left alone with my own two children when my daughter was a small baby. I hated that feeling. I felt sad and ashamed to feel unequipped to care for the kids I chose to have, but I didn’t want my husband to leave the house. (That phase passed, by the way. Now he can travel for three or four days without me calling in for reinforcements.)
In terms of logistics, I’m torn on assessing the load. On one hand, I’ve got so much knowledge gained from my first child, that the second one doesn’t require as much research or anxiety. We already had a pediatrician, know how to hire a babysitter, knew what to expect in terms of breastfeeding and sleeping. We didn’t research preschools for #2 because we already had one we liked. And so on.
On the other hand, I currently have kids at two different schools. That’s two drop-offs, two pickups, and two different vacation schedules, which sometimes don’t align. On Halloween, I went back and forth three times between the two schools for parades and parties in order to be there for both of my children. A special event for one child might require finding childcare for the other one. In these cases, perhaps it is more than twice the work. But my personal mathematical definitions makes it add up to exactly twice.
What do you think? Is each additional child of equal weight in demands on the parents? Does it depend on their spacing? Let’s not forget how much the first child rocks one’s world. Did you feel that your second child was as much an adjustment as the first?
I have two children who are exactly two years apart.
The second baby was a game changer for both my husband and I. With one, one of us always had a break. Whereas with two, especially when they were really little, neither one of us got a break. Also, just in terms of physical work, the change to two was really difficult for me. Managing the needs of a newborn and a toddler often at the exact moment was really hard. I realize however, that the outside circumstances in our life at the time made this adjustment MUCH harder (we are a military family and my husband left on a mission when my 2nd baby was 2 weeks old, all while my mother was dying of cancer. Yikes!)
I hear a lot of different answers to this question. Some of my friends told me that adding the second kid was only 50% more work but that was not my experience at all. For me, the second child was psychologically easier because I had the knowledge and a lot less fear and stress. He is also a lot more mellow than my oldest so that has made parenting him a little easier too. But managing their two different personalities, the sibling relationship, a sizable age difference (4 years) and two sets of activities — that is a *lot* more work on a day to day basis.
Oh, one more thing I meant to say above: even though I feel like two kids are a lot more work than one, I wouldn’t trade mothering two for anything! I can’t imagine our family without both of our boys. Double the work, a zillion times the joy!
True that when I’m left with only one kid in the house, it feels easier, but I love when my two big boys play with each other. I think we hear a lot less of “MOMMY PLAY WITH MEEEEEEE” than we otherwise would.
And honestly, the transition from zero to one was such a life changer, I don’t have a straight answer for your question.
I think the first year with two is more than twice the work because it is SO hard to balance everyone’s needs. You end up with extra mess because you can’t get to things as quickly and you’re constantly interrupted during tasks which makes them take longer.
However, as the kids get older I find that it’s less than twice the work because they entertain each other. If my kids play together for an hour and I have to spend 10-15 minutes of that time mediating I’m still more free than when I had to entertain my firstborn alone. The older one also helps and teaches the younger one.
I’m sure this depends a lot on the personalities of your kids, age difference between them, etc. Mine are 2 yrs apart and fairly easygoing.
I’m anxiously awaiting the comments on this topic. Currently, I have a 2.5 year old that is extremely high maintenance and dramatic (also adorable and lovable). Last year, around this time, my husband started talking about having another, and I basically flipped out and refused. The very idea terrifies me. This article terrified me. “More than twice the work?” Seriously?
Lucklily, the hubs backed off and has given me time, but I still can’t commit. I always envisioned my family with two kids, as did my husband. Then I had one, and the thought of another just freaks me out. I keep waiting for motherhood to get easier (ha ha. That’s me laughing at myself.) or even slightly less demanding. Maybe, then, I can entertain the idea of another. For now, general plan of keeping my children spaced 4-5 years apart is the only thing I’ll consider. I will not parent a baby and a toddler. No, no, no.
I’m also so happy to see this because I think about it ALL the time! We added a second last May, so right now and I have a 3.5 yr old and a 6 month old, both boys. Hard to say that it’s more than twice the work, but it’s most definitely EXHAUSTING! I think the biggest shocker was that all the freedom that we’d slowly regained with the older child was suddenly sucked away! We are back in baby jail. So, it gets easier? That’s what I’m hearing here and i LIKE it.
Two kids are definitely more than twice the work. When I had my son life was so easy. He wasn’t demanding and he was such a good child. My second on is a handful and has turned my first one into a handful. Definitely alot of work. But I love them tremendously.
For us, it hasn’t been more than twice the work. Our kids are exactly 4 years apart (currently 8 months and 4 years old), and luckily my older son has always had a positive attitude toward the baby. When they’re together, sometimes my 4-year old will entertain the baby, who loves watching and interacting with his big brother. When I have only one at a time, it definitely feels easy, which is funny because just parenting my one kid seemed so hard before. The only time it’s really hard is when they both urgently need something at the same time. But then again, right now they go to the same daycare (next year, my older son will start kindergarten and they’ll be in different places) and their bedtimes are an hour apart. And soon the baby will start crawling. Who knows how things will change.
I’m almost afraid to chime in, but for the sake of those still wondering about having baby #2, I feel I have to offer the positive perspective! I have two girls who are 2.5 years and 4 months old. I was prepared for it to be “more than twice the work.” But I’m not finding that to be the case. Sure, there’s less down time, and we’re both engaged with the kids more often. But dinner still needs to be made (only once) and laundry still needs to be done, and so on. My answer might change when the baby becomes mobile, but for now I’m pleasantly surprised by how things are going.
I don’t have any kids yet, and my dream was to always have two. I am one of four and I love that I have a larger family. My husband didn’t want to have any children before he met me, and has warmed to the idea of one, and only one. But neither of us can say until we’ve lived through it if either of us will change our minds. There can’t be one right answer for everyone, that’s for certain.
My two are twins, so in some regards it is absolutely more than twice the work. My friends with single babies enjoy all sorts of freedoms I can’t even fathom. We just past the 2-year mark and I am glad to say it is getting easier, at least in regard to logistics of getting from point a to point b. Easier enough, in fact, we’re considering adding another. However, I think having only 1 baby after having twins could be a total cakewalk. Or a complete nightmare. Who knows. What I know now is that my two are pretty much the best thing ever, and they have each other, which single babies do not. And that’s awesome.
i got pregnant with our daughter shortly after our son started walking. he was 15 months, so my due date with her was exactly 5 days before his 2nd bday! having them close together is awesome and hard all at the same time. i was soooo scared to be left alone with them both, but i got over it. people had to go back to work and visitors had to leave. the hardest part was feeling like i would mess one of them up. but, like with having one, u get a routine going and it becomes easy in time. i wouldnt trade my sweeties for anything!! i love watching him dote over his little sister and she stares at him mesmerized! too adorable for words!
Having always had two, I will say I think it all balances out over time. I think you have periods of more than twice the work and periods of less than twice the work.
Having twin newborns? MOST DEFINITELY more than twice the work of one newborn. When your one baby was sleeping, you got to have peace and quiet. My other baby was crying and/or pooping.
Having twin 5 year olds? Sometimes they play together for an hour peacefully. Zero work for me.
I have a boy and a girl — 22 months apart — and I think that the past year has been more than twice the work. The needs of a newborn and a toddler are very high, and I don’t feel that I have had a moment of downtime for the last year. However, I *think* it’s getting easier. The beginning, with a newborn’s constant feeding and erratic sleeping, is hard to balance with a toddler’s needs, especially when I wanted to give my son attention so he would not feel displaced by his baby sister. As the months passed, we all feel into a schedule: the baby’s sleeping, the toddler’s growing (including potty training — I had 2 in diapers!), and my own comfort with managing two small kids. 1+1=more than 2, but I would not trade it for ANYTHING.
I just became a Mother of 2. I gave birth to Booker in March of this year & last week brought home our newly adopted 3-year-old son home from Ghana. Kofi & Booker are two busy boys who keep me on my feet but they adore one another so that makes it much easier. While it’s more work I don’t think it’s twice as much. For me, motherhood is so rewarding I am already thinking about where we will adopt from next.
My 2nd son was born right around when our oldest turned 3 (baby is 4 months old now). I think a lot depends on temperament, because we have SUCH an easy baby. Eats and sleeps well; rarely cries; smiles pretty much whenever he’s awake. (Yes, I know how spoiled I am.) But my 3-year-old is quite needy, is FINALLY starting to get potty trained, is pushing the boundaries…and many days there’s no such thing as a break with him. If both kids were high-maintenance, it would be way more than twice the work.
Once I stopped hoping for a nap, which I was able to take when my oldest was a newborn, things got a lot better. Also, I stress out a lot less with baby #2 because I know what I’m doing! So it’s definitely less than twice the work for me. At least right now.
My second child seemed easier in terms of the learning curve and confidence in being able to care for a baby/child. I love having two kids–we have one of each and they are almost 5 years apart. however, in some ways it is triple the work, because they have very different interests and personalities, so I have to balance my time between them, but I also have the dynamic of the two of them together, which takes on a life of its own. I try very hard to always be “fair” when I am with them together, such as making sure I am super consistent in how I treat them, in giving them time to talk, etc. But I also have to say many of the most gratifying moments come when I am watching them together, help each other, laugh together. Love your blog! Best, Karen
I have 17-month old twins, so seeing as they’re our first, I can’t really say if two is more than twice the work or not. I do know that I see my friends with only one child being able to do things that I just couldn’t do without another adult.
But when they are playing together, making each other laugh, I just can’t imagine having one child at a time. While they might miss out on some activities because of logistics, they have such an amazing relationship which, I think, more than makes up for it!
For my family, at this point in our lives, having two children is twice as much work and our daily lives are a logistical ballet. Our boys are 4 and 6, they attend two different language schools in Oakland and Berkeley. We live in Alameda and my spouse and I work in SF. My 4-city commute home from work with pick ups at both schools averages 1.5 hours on a good day to 2 hours in the rain.
Yes, my children are often the first to be dropped off and last to be picked up at school but honestly I would not change a thing. I also know this two school thing is only temporary. For us having two children is twice as fun and twice as sweet.
My two are 15 months apart. Yes, it was planned and we got what we wished for. A lot of people told me I was crazy when I got pregnant with my second when my son was only 6 months old. I was a little hurt but now I get it. I wouldn’t change anything because I have my daughter but advice to others is give it a little more space between. We have two in diapers, two in cribs, two in highchairs, double stroller etc. My son was just starting to walk when my girl was born and juggling a nursing baby and a young toddler is busy and there is NO break. EVER. We don’t have child care. My husband works 12 hours a day so the care is mostly me. I got in a routine and got them on the same nap/sleep schedule which helps but it is very hard. We had them so close because we thought we wanted more but now I am not so sure. It is a lot of work. The good parts are that my son adjusted instantly to a baby in the house and was so young, he didn’t know the difference. They play and LOVE each other. They learn so much from each other, especially sharing. They are the best kids EVER (I know everyone feels this way). At this point I can barely remeber only having one but I know when I go the the grocery store with just one it is like heaven.
I absolutely love this post because I am infact a newly married woman with no kids (yet). I want two children and I feel like after the first one the second will be a breeze. Okay maybe not a breeze but I will be at ease about knowing what to do if something happens and about schools and the basics that I learned with the first. This has helped me realize that what I have felt is mostly true. I do know that it will be twice as hard with the second but isn’t it always worth the hard work in the end? I think so!
I have a two girls- born 2 yrs and 1 day apart! One is about 2 1/2 and the other is just 5 months old. I work full time and honestly was so excited to get back into the office today!!! I love my girls so much but it is a lot of work. My 2 yr old is very independent but she is still a 2 yr old and has tantrums and wants my attention. The baby needs someone all the time- she is very fussy and a tough baby (but sleeps great) so my husband and i have to divide and conquer. i am hopeful that it gets a bit easier once the little one hits 1 yr but right now- it seems like double the work!!!