I’m excited to feature Jane Roper sharing her answers to the ever-annoying question, “Do twins run in your family?” She blogs at Baby Squared on Babble.com and wrote Eden Lake, a novel.
Almost every woman who’s ever been pregnant has a story about somebody touching her belly uninvited. But belly touching isn’t the only invasion of personal space that happens when you’re in that most delicate of conditions. People feel entitled to ask you all manner of highly personal questions—and this is doubly the case (as are so many things) when you’re having twins.
The number one question I was asked while pregnant with my girls was, hands down, “Do twins run in your family?” It sounds innocent enough, and maybe I’m being paranoid here, but I always got the feeling that people who asked it were probing to see whether or not I’d had fertility treatments. Especially when their follow-up question (after I replied “No” or, more likely, “Now they do!”) was “So, were you surprised?” To me, it sounded like what they were really asking was, “Were you surprised, or did you know that this was a possibility since you had BIG FAT FERTILITY TREATMENTS??”
Jane at 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant
It’s not that I was ashamed of the fact that we’d had “help” getting pregnant. I just felt like it wasn’t anyone’s freakin’ business. It’s a very personal decision, about a highly personal matter. I was happy to discuss it with my good friends or disclose it as I saw fit. But it bugged the hell out of me when people asked.
Of course, the indirect questions weren’t nearly as bad as some of the more direct ones, like the insulting “Are they natural?” (No, they’re 100% synthetic, machine washable and wrinkle-free!) and the mind-boggling “Was it on purpose?” (Yep, we just used the twins position – it’s right there in the kama sutra – and voila!)
The questions didn’t stop once the girls were born, either. Four years on, people still regularly ask me if twins run in my family. But at this point I’m so over it that I’m much more likely to call their bluff and say, “Nope. Fertility drugs. Me and Octomom, baby.” It’s fun to see the looks on their faces.
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Double big thanks to Jane Roper. Her memoir of the ups and downs of the first three years of parenting twins will be published in 2012 by St. Martin’s Press. She lives in the Boston area with her husband, singer-songwriter Alastair Moock, and her four-year-old twin daughters, Clio and Elsa.
I’m in the camp of this question doesn’t bother me because I want to know it about other twin parents. I LOVE hearing the back story of how people found out they were having twins. I also feel like knowing the answer helps me be more sensitive to fertility issues since they are so common in the twin world.
Aw Jane, I don’t think the question “Do twins run in your family?” is an indirect fertility question. Most likely people are interested because they love the generation twin theme. I’ve got it from the other side. I’m a twin, my husband is a twin and my twin brother had twins (a boy and a girl!). I’m pregnant now and as you can imagine, everyone who knows my family history asks “Is it twins?!” I just know it’s because they’d love the craziness of all the twins in one family. But then maybe it’s because you’re sensitive because you did use fertility drugs. Maybe not. Those direct questions though, “Are they natural?!!!!!”, I’m in your camp on that one! Plain rude!
Hello from Barcelona (Spain)
Nice to find you and get in touch with twin parents all over the world. As you may have noticed, twins are everywhere. We have the “crazy” theory there’s a conspiration for twins to rule the world. We try to warn everyone on this blog:
http://lainvasiotwin.blogspot.com
Written in Catalan by now. I’m trying to work hard on the English version (but you know the problems of time with twins). Meanwhile, you can try with google translator on the blog. You can also follow LA INVASIÓ TWIN on Facebook!
I hope to keep in touch!
Núria
I would ask because it’s one of those ‘if it doesn’t run in their families, maybe I can get twins too!!’ things. I’m scared to death of twins.. but also I wanted them so so much.
Awesome photo there, I love happy looking preggos!
My twin pregnancy wasn’t planned at all, so when people ask me these questions, I like to overshare and say “turns out you increase your chances of having twins if you get pregnant accidentally from forgetting to take your pill and having a condom break!” That usually gets people to realize just how intimate a question they just asked.
I dont care what they’re having, twins, single, boy, girl, I think they’re the lucky ones. Not everyone can grow life. I’d probably even break out crying talking to them <3
I’m 24 weeks pregnant with identical twin girls and that’s the main question I get daily. It doesn’t bother me. I think people are just curious and twins are fascinating to many. I don’t like the statement “well it looks like your done habit babies now”. Well thanks for making that decision for me! Can I get these two out before I decide if I’m done or not!
I cannot, cannot believe how many people have the balls to ask if they’re natural, or if we had IVF. I know also that people when they ask if they run in the family don’t mean, did you have IVF, they really want to know. I just try and be a good sport about it and smile. That’s all you really can do–though I love your response to are they natural, that’s a good one!
I also am shocked by the number of people who say “I wish I had twins,” or “I want to have twins.” Um, do you realize how much more work it is?? But I’m also surprised by the amount of attention they receive basically everywhere we go, so I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised.
Thankfully I didn’t have any random people want to touch my belly. Just a close friend or two, once or twice, and that’s ok with me. Random strangers, even if they asked, hell no!
“Are they identical?” Um, look at their hair color (one is a blonde and one is a brunette) and most of their features, and you’ll know the answer to that–but people honestly don’t know. “Are they paternal?” No, they are fraternal. And they’re girls, so maybe one day they’ll be maternal.
I love having fun with all of the questions I get about my twin pregnancy. As a matter of fact, I just blogged this morning about how tired I am of the looks of pity I get from people when I tell them we’re having twins.
Thankfully, both the hubby and I have a sense of humor about things and we usually try to humor people when asked the “did you really just ask me that?” kind of questions. I usually go into more detail than they’d like, just to amuse myself. Immature, probably…but fun for me.
Nuria – love the subtitle/quote on your blog!!!
I just get the really strange people, apparently. I got the one woman who insisted that my kids were different races, after I told her they were twins. (my daughter had jaundice, and dark hair and eyes. The woman insisted she was asian. Argued with me, even)
Then I had the woman, who after asking if they were twins, asked me if they were both mine. I couldn’t resist. I told her, “No, one is mine, and one is my husbands”. Incredibly, she said, “Oh, ok.” and walked off.
So true! I am open about the fact that we used fertility treatments so honestly if they just asked in a nice way I would probably tell them. But I feel going about it in a “Do twins run in your family?” way is more sneaky and makes me more likely to dodge the question. Especially since I honestly reply “No” and then they just stare at me like they are expecting me to say something else. So dumb!
I get a lot of comment about are mine identical when one is about an inch taller and one has red hair and one has brown hair. Yeah, they are totally identical….. I also have been told that they were not twins. Like they straight up called me a liar when I said they were twins. I guess that the fact that they came out of me would mean I would know huh?!
Great post Jane! You were a cute pregnant woman and that huge pregnant belly reminds me of how huge mine was. It was just unreal.
I think people are just fascinated by the idea of twins, not that they’re prying to see if you had fertility treatments. People ask me all the time if it runs in my family because my husband is a triplet and they’re wondering if there’s a good chance we’re carrying more than 1. I would never take offense, though, because they’re just curious. Hey, I’m curious, too! Twins fascinate me as much as the next person!
Though if one more person touches my belly……… :/
Oh yeah I also got a lot of comments toward the middle of my pregnancy that “You are almost ready to have them” or “Not much longer” and I would be like “Actually I have 4 more months” and they would just stare at me in shock! I was already the size of a full term singleton pregnant woman when mine were around 5 months.
I think the author takes an innocent question way too personally. People just want to make polite conversation, with questions such as “Is it a boy or a girl?” or”Do twins run in your family?” They’re not judging you, they are just trying to show some interest, and they probably don’t care at all.
jane, i totally agree with you: anytime we get the question, “do twins run in your family,” i definitely feel that it’s a sneaky way of asking if we had fertility treatments. and we didn’t have any fertility treatments, so it’s not a matter of being paranoid in our case.
i do think people are fascinated by multiples and in general can be pretty ignorant about them, so often they just say whatever comes out without really thinking. my kids’ pediatrician has boy/girl twins and was so tired of the question, “are they identical,” that one day he blurted out, “NO! he has a and she has a !” people just have no idea…
so i suppose we need to be patient and educate them as they most likely don’t mean to say hurtful or outrageous things. and because it can be hard to have so much patience, i find it’s really nice to have other parents of multiples with whom i can discuss all the “i-can’t-believe-someone-said-this-to-me” comments…. because we are the only ones who really understand what it’s like.
I did/do get awkward with this question too because yes, twins do run in my family…but mine were the result of in-vitro. I’ve gotten to the point where I just tell people that. It is interesting to hear that folks are interested in their “chances” so to speak…I’d never considered that!
The question about twins running in your family is absolutely designed to find out if they are from fertility treatments. If you’ve ever been asked this question by complete strangers and then heard the follow-up comments/questions, it’s obvious. Now, people who wonder this may not have mean intent, but that doesn’t make it less intrusive.
I 100% agree that it’s nobody’s business whether anyone had fertility treatments and that it would be invasive to ask.
I totally disagree with the idea that everyone who asks, “Do twins run in your family?” is trying to ask about fertility in a roundabout way. I’m not saying no one is, but it’s upsetting to me to hear that mothers of twins would assume that, because if I were to ask it, I swear it would be totally innocently — I (and others) are honestly curious about such things. Multiple generations of twins are a curious/fun thing, don’t you think? Just conversationally at least, ya know?
See, if I asked you if twins run in your family, I’d actually be curious about whether twins run in your family. I don’t care about fertility treatments, and heck, it wouldn’t actually cross my mind until you start getting triplets, or more (eek). The “are they natural” question is a bit crude (showing lack of knowledge on the subject of IVF), but at least it’s honest. You *know* they’re asking about fertility treatments.
Of course, when you’re actually in the middle of a pregnancy, every question sounds different — and more annoying.
My sons are 7 and this was a question I heard a lot and I had a lot of responses that have already been mentioned. I got to the point where I would ask “Why do you ask?” Sometimes the person asking had struggled with infertility and those were the people I was glad to have conversations with. Others were just curious, and I didn’t feel like I had to share my story with them.
My dentist asked me if my kids were “natural” and my response (I’m not known for being quick-witted with my responses) pleased me: “Geez, I sure hope so!”
I also had a man ask if my twin boys had different fathers? I kid you not. He was implying I was a slut and I guess because mine look nothing alike. I had to have some random man standing by stick up for me and tell the man to leave me alone!
As someone who has had the “Do twins run in your family?” question asked to me about 100 times I can assure you I can tell when it is an innocent question and when it is not. When I say “No” and they smile and say “Wow then what a surprise!” or something like that, then I know they are just making conversation. When I say “No” and then they give me an weird stare and don’t say anything else I know they were implying I did fertility drugs.
I never imagined before that that question could be offensive. I also haven’t known anyone who was pregnant with twins. When at least some people ask they may be genuinely curious. I think it’s really neat how fraternal twins can run in families since some moms are more likely too release 2 eggs. But I think it’s even more amazing that identical twins can just be created out of the blue.
I would love to have twins one day.
hi again,
when anyone asks me about it, I really didn’t find it offensive. I did it myself, when I was pregnant and found a couple with twins and we started to talk, I took advantatge to ask all about my fears, doubts or experiences. Of course, all depends on the way the question its made. But I really think that twins still fascinate many people. I tried to translate on of my posts into English, the one about topics.
http://thetwininvasion.blogspot.com/2011/07/topics-on-twins.html
I’m really glad to come across that page! Very interesting! And welcome to THE TWIN INVASION!
Kisses from Barcelona, Spain
PD btw, it also happened to me as April explains. I was only on my 5th month and a very nice woman asked me If I was going to the hospital to have the baby. “No madam, I have to wait still 4 months”. She made such a strange look that I started to laugh and told her I had twins. Then she told me she was also a twin, and that her sister died the year before. We had been talking for an hour, and I asked her if I could write a report… I was 100% learning! And a report that touch many people.
I just wanted to throw out there for those of you who assume the “is it natural” is an innocent question, that may certainly be the case, but don’t be so sure either. My brother and his wife had twins, and I would get the question all the time when I told people about their pregnancy, “are they natural” and usually after I replied yes, it was followed up with, “wow no fertility treatments?” or something like that, which I think they were comfortable enough to say to me just because it wasn’t MY pregnancy. So yes, there are plenty of people who are asking those questions to get at whether fertility treatments were involved.
I have 11 week old boy/girl twins and I am so overwhelmed with the amount of attention they get whenever and wherever we go. I can’t go anywhere without a ton of questions, all of which have been shared in this blog post. Its amazing.
I guess some people may just be interested and fascinated. I never went up to anyone in a store and asked them questions or made comments, so I am a little thrown off when people do it to me.
When I was pregnant I got asked dozens of times by complete strangers “are the natural?” (to which my husband eventually started responding with “no, they are synthetic”) and “was it on purpose?” When they asked the later, I would usually just say “well, when you do IVF you take the chance of multiples” simply because I was so frustrated that people were clearly prying into my life that I gave up and was honest. That usually threw them off a bit.
Now I get questions regarding fraternal vs identical. I always respond “well, one is a boy and one is a girl, so no, they are not identical.” I love the paternal question I get!
I do wonder when the questions will stop. Its fun to get the attention for about 2 minutes, then I am over it! Everything takes longer to do already without the questions and stories about people’s boss’s third cousin’s neighbor’s kid who has twins. Ugh.
I do however still like getting the “awwww, they are soooo cute” comments though. Those are allowed!
Here’s the way I see it. The vast majority of people are unaware of just how common infertility is. Couple that with the incredible lack of knowledge people have about twins (for example how it only “matters” if fraternal twins run on the mother’s side) and I truly think the vast majority of people who are asking this question are just trying to make conversation. If twins run in your family then you have a support system to help you deal with the unique issues that come with being a twin mom. If they don’t then you are new to the whole idea of living this lifestyle.
While it may be rude of people to ask certain questions, many people simply don’t know what they’re saying is rude. Besides, if you think that’s rude, just wait until those kids come out and everyone has opinions about everything you do.
[...] one and which one is the outgoing one?” and ”Did you have IVF?” and “Do twins run in your family?” We will also require that every citizen knows that it’s not “paternal [...]
I don’t think anyone means anything rude by asking if “twins run in the family” . I have wanted twins my whole life. It may sound crazy but I think of it like winning a lottery. When I see someone with twins, I wonder…could that be me someday?? You always here about twins running in the family and everyone knows that with fertility treaments you have a chance of multiples. Well, I have none of those odds. So, I am curious if someday I too could have a chance of becoming a mom of twins. Maybe the “do twins run in your family” question seems judgemental to a mother with fertility problems. But aren’t they the ones who are actually judgemental by assuming every fertile myrtle looks down on them for using drugs to concieve. Truth is we really don’t care. We just think multiples are an amazing gift from God..X2 or 3 or 4….
i would like to add me twins on here too
Thank you for sharing your story, I feel the same way about people asking me if twins run in either side of our families. And it is nobody’s buisness. Next time they ask I will say “Now they do!”
It’s not right for people to pry!
I can see how getting this question can be bugging. Whenever I got the question I could honestly say “yes, on both sides”. My FIL is a twin, I have an aunt and a great great Grandma (almost my namesake) who had twins.
I just respond to the question by explaining that fraternal twins can run in the family, but that identicals like my girls are totally spontaneous and that ours were a complete surprise. I too have wondered if when people ask the question sometimes the background assumption is that we had help.