Stuff your own stocking

The things you can only buy yourself
Ladies, there are a few great (sometimes-pricey) things that a woman ought to have. Unfortunately, many of them cannot and should not be given as gifts. Ever!

Here are some examples of things that you should not buy me no matter how much I might want them:

1. A Yummie Tummie. Why I want it: Yes, these are so great for the waistline and confidence (and your best friend would probably love it). But if you give it to me, it says “I think you’re chubby” [read my glowing Yummie Tummie review].
2. 30 Day Shred DVD. Why it’s great: Excellent workout DVD that you can do in 20 minutes a day. It’s the gift that keeps on giving while also saying “you should be on the Biggest Loser” [read my pep-talking 30 Day Shred activity].
3. Other things that say “Yes, your ass does look big in that” include: A gym membership, hand weights, body wrap, personal trainer, and sessions with a dietitian.
4. Vacuum like the roomba. Why I want it: Certainly I want/deserve a device that does housework while I sit on the couch watching Mad Men. But a vacuum for Christmas just feels like a throwback to the 50s. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOU? That goes for many other covet-worthy appliances that are for the whole family.
5. Professional organizing service. Why I want it: I am a slob. What it tells me you are thinking of me: “You are a slob”.
6. A well-fitting bra. We all deserve the perfect bra. I’m confident that you can’t get me one that fits if I don’t try it on.
7. Slinky undies. Why I want them: every girl needs to have some panties that make her feel great. On second thought: Too small and I’ll hate them; too large and I’ll be insulted. Too skanky? I’ll wonder why you don’t love me just the way I am in my tank top and flannel pj bottoms. It’s pretty much a lose-lose.
8. Body wrap. Why I want it: to become thin without working for it. What it tells me you think: “You are floppy and lazy”. I love the basic spa treatments, but this one has a person wrapped up like a sponge and squeezed until every spare droplet of bodily moisture is pooling at the ankles. Yucky, uncomfortable, and insulting. Not the kind of thing you can give as easily as, say, a massage.

Merry Christmas everyone! Let me know if you get any of these gems under your tree and can appreciate them in the spirit they were given (rather than the snarky spirit I invented).