I think Heather and I have both been pretty honest here: We were shocked and disappointed by how boring our babies were after they were born. They never said, “Hey mom, let’s go get you some new jeans and a latte.”
Spending all day with someone who has no suggestions for conversation topics or activities can get lonely. That’s why we started blogging.
In addition to being surprised by my son’s dull personality at the tender age of three weeks, there are a few other basic things about babies that I learned in that first year. Other moms have told me about facts that they were surprised to learn “on the job”, too. Here are five important truths about babies that should be learned by every pregnant woman.
- Babies sleep a lot, perhaps even 20 hours a day at first. If a baby is awake for two straight hours, the thing to do with him is put him back to sleep. He may even be ready after an hour, but does not know how to drift off on his own. Much of what a new parent spends her time doing is putting a baby back to sleep.
- Diapers leak. It does not matter how masterfully the diaper was put on the baby, sometimes shit leaks out the sides or top. For realz. My husband, a problem solver with a strong work ethic, had a hard time accepting diaper failure. My advice is to discuss this fact with your partner and agree that you will not blame one another when your infant’s jammies are soaked from ankle to neck. It happens.
- Babies like to suck. That’s why pacifiers were invented. I’m not suggesting you use a pacifier, but it is important to acknowledge that your child’s urge to suck is normal and they may want to nurse for hours because it feels good. I personally used a pacifier with my children when I learned how much it soothed them. The element by which I was surprised is how long their urge to put things in their mouth lasts. Six month-olds and sixteen month-olds definitely want to jam their fist, your glasses, and that disgusting tissue that’s sticking out of your pocket into their mouths as quickly as possible. Six YEARS old? Yep, they still want to, but they pretty much know better.
- Feedings are frequent. A new baby needs to eat every two to three hours. I’ll do the math for you: eight to twelve times per day. I put this in writing for you because although Heather observed me care for Julian for six months before having her own baby, she assumed my boobs were only needed for breakfast, lunch, and dinner equivalents. She was overwhelmed and bewildered to learn that her postpartum body was on call to provide sustenance with such frequency when Holden was born.
- Babies will make you proud. Whether you are basking in the pride of creation or the act of adoption, you will do things you swore you’d never do because you are convinced your baby is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to anyone ever. You will take more pictures of your immobile offspring than you can store on your computer. You will tell people the most granular details about your life as a parent, such as what time your child woke up for the past nine mornings, as measured in minutes. You will secretly feel superior to your friends who have chosen not to have children, because they don’t even know what the meaning of life is. I’m not saying this to make fun of you. I say this because I feel this way. Because my own babies (ages 7 and 4) are still a marvelous novelty to me and I am truly proud. I am saying this because every expectant parent thinks, “I won’t be that way,” when their friends tell boring stories about sleep training or strollers. Yet the fact is: you will.
What knocked your socks off or left you confused after the birth of your child? What else did Heather not know when this photo was taken?
Heather at Week 39 holding Whitney's 6-month old. What is he going to do with those strings from my shirt? What? Why would he put them in his mouth!?
Note that we have a book coming out this spring called Stuff Every Mom Should Know and none of these facts are in it. Whoops!
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Ok first, wow, I’m huge. Second, I don’t know how I didn’t know all that stuff considering that you had a six month old and (I thought) I was watching your every move.
But still.
If you visit another new mom and she nurses once during your visit, it’s easy not to realize she had to do it before you arrived and immediately after you left.
And BTW, my babies NEVER nursed as seldom as 8 times a day as newborns. I am only doing 8 times NOW with a nearly six month old and he gets 2-3 bottles a day. Yawn.
Also, some infants nurse 45 minutes or more at a time!! Then you start again in another 45 minutes. WTH. Not all, of course.
I think the thing that surprised me that most was how long it took to recover from pregnancy and birth. The pain didn’t last long but the hormones, the giant squashy belly, the sleep deprivation, and the isolation all took much longer to even out. I didn’t feel like myself for months and I wasn’t expecting that.
Everyone is so excited for you and they usually assume that you’re joyful all the time too. My advice to new moms is to find someone who will listen and sympathize about the crappy stuff so that you CAN enjoy the good parts.
My first thought in response to your question was, “Um…how babies are made?”, but then I realized Heather was holding YOUR baby in the picture. (Right?) After my son was born, I remember thinking that no one – no matter what they said while I was pregnant – could have prepared me for how difficult motherhood would be. But, a dear friend quickly reminded me that neither can anyone prepare you for how rewarding it will be. SO true. Oh, and breastfeeding is seldom enjoyed from the get-go. I almost threw in the towel about 3 weeks in, but I got through the difficulties with some practical advice and was able to breastfeed my little guy until he was 13 months old.
my advice to new parents is to not sweat the small stuff. Coming from someone who is way over informed, I know this is easier said than done, I know…but the truth is, babies and children will grow up in spite of us and there are only a few ways you can truly mess them up. So, try not to obsess over the fact that your baby will only sleep in the swing. Strap him in and enjoy your zzzz’s…you need it and eventually he’ll get the hang of the bed. Don’t worry if you can’t breast feed, a happy mama with a bottle is better than a frazzled mama with no milk coming out. And know that your baby’s brain will develop the same whether you take her to mommy and me, read books or just chat while going through your everyday routine.
I was not prepared for the lack of sleep. New mamas should know that they absolutely need to sleep when they can. I mean, I grew up with my baby cousin at our house basically since she was born and THOUGHT I knew what I was in for but when you are hit with the train of sleep deprivation, hormones, pain, a giant squishy belly and nursing every hour and a half (or 45 minutes)…holy shnikes.
And then with my second, I THOUGHT I KNEW, but nope. New baby, new rules. This one slept all night but nursed for an hour….every 45 minutes.
You have to do everything with one arm, because you’ll be holding the baby with the other. So practice getting something from the back of the bottom shelf of the refrigerator with only your left arm (or right arm if you’re left handed). And then try eating while holding a wiggling puppy on your lap.
I was not prepared for how miserable and exhausted I would be in the beginning due to lack of sleep and the fact that my daughter was extremely fussy. True story: it took 2 years to get pregnant, required fertility treatments, and the pregnancy was joyful. Then, a week or so after my daughter was born I was leaning on the kitchen counter, sobbing, thinking “I really should have thought this through.” On a lighter note, I did not know when I had my baby that there are little activities you can do with them at home…”floor time” movement types of things, songs, baby massage, etc., that I learned about in a class for moms and newborns. You don’t need to just sit around and hold the baby when you are home. I encourage all new moms to sign up for a class like that if there is one in their area. You learn a lot.
Similar to what Lauren said—I was surprised that no one had really told me what my body would feel like in the weeks after delivering. So much emphasis is always given on pre-birth and the actual birthing process, but not much about the afterwards. Perhaps naively, I expected things to just ‘snap back into place’ immediately, and that definitely didn’t happen. It felt like it took months before I finally felt ‘normal’.
Now that I have a year and a half old, I still find myself surprised at the amount of emotion that he elicits from me and how the fierce protective nature of being a mother is something that is so tangible and potent. Motherhood is a constant surprise…especially in how feelings of elation and pride can also be paralleled with that of frustration and helplessness. It truly is amazing and I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything else.
You forgot #6… If you are nursing, you will be hungry all the time… and thirsty. You thought were hungry when you were pregnant but that is nothing compared to the hunger the first few weeks of nursing. But BONUS, you can eat all the time and still lose weight!
The thing that surprised me most was the postpartum healing process both mentally and physically. I thought that with a new baby I would just have this perfectly happy glow to me all the time, but becoming a parent changes you on so many levels and it takes time to adjust.
Growth spurt days were the other surprise. I never thought a baby would live at the boob for a day!
I had no idea the hormones after delivery would cause me to cry A LOT! It started the day I left the hospital and stopped at 7pm on Thursday night. Like a switch. I cried all day. Not sad, not mad, not tired, not overwhelmed. Just weepy. I would cry while laughing. Just 4 days of tears. No one told me…..
I think what surprised me the most is how helpless I felt, not at first but a few months into it. I finally feel confident as a mommy but I was SOO worried about doing it wrong, or not by the book, or how I really had no clue about certain things, that it took me 6 months and a dose of reality for me to feel good about my choices as a parent. Then you realize, you really can’t mess them up if you love them your way. I still look at people and say “what do I do now” when new situations arise, but then I take what I know and what I am told and figure out how it works for us.
People say PPD hits in the early days but for me, I started getting anxious when what I was expecting (i.e. all the nursing, sleepless nights, exploding diapers) was gone and what I wasn’t ready for (feelings of helplessness, feelings of missing my old life at times, changes in schedules every other day) hit. Like the way they will change schedules on you out of no where. That was hard. My baby went from sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and 6 weeks later, has been waking up 2-5 times a night ever sense. I still can’t catch up on sleep. LOL!
But he’s at a stage now that he recognizes me and the joy in his face when he sees me makes me feel a way I never thought I could.
ODDEST feeling though, through all the hard moments, feelings of resentment, sleeplessness, and all those other feelings that you think you shouldn’t have as a new mommy (which is bull, you can feel however it is you need to feel- IT WILL PASS) I CAN’T WAIT FOR ANOTHER BABY! Sorta like a tattoo- they are addicting!
P.S. I loved this post…babies are boring..AT FIRST! I started blogging for that reason too!
I didn’t know that it starts getting easier around 3 months. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I still view sleep as a hot commodity, but life is beginning to move forward with some predictability. Our son is almost 4 months old now and is starting to organize himself into noticable patterns and rhythms. He sleeps more at night, naps better during the day and is developing quite the personality.
Like a previous commenter, I also did not expect to miss my old, pre-baby life as much as I did in the beginning. It was like I was in mourning for the person I used to be and life I once had. All perfectly normal feelings, but they were so much more exacerbated by the postpartum hormones raging throughout my body in the early weeks.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention just how frightening the whole boob situation can be. My mom breastfed me and my sisters, and I took a breastfeeding class, but no one told me that they would tingle and hurt right before the milk let down. Nor how giant, painful, and scary they would be when the milk came in. Eventually they are not so huge, but the tingling persists upon letdown.
Also, the best thing I ever did was decide to spend two weeks after giving birth in bed with my baby. It gave me time to recover, time to establish nursing, and as a bonus, people don’t like to hang out for very long in your bedroom! I didn’t figure that trick out until my third baby though, after suffering major PPD with the first two.
I’m still really surprised at how unprepared I was/still am for the lack of sleep. A sleep schedule is getting somewhat better with my 8 week old, but it’s still really tough.
I’m also adjusting to my new body after pregnancy. I am smaller than pre-pregnancy but it still doesn’t feel quite like my body yet. No one really prepares you for how life is postpartum.
Moms-to-be should know that, even if you really don’t want one, you might have to have a c-section. And if you do, accept any and all help. Let your MIL stay at your house if she wants. Whatever it takes, because you have to deal with all of this other stuff (no sleep, hormones, etc.) AND you are in a great deal of pain for the first several weeks.
First let me say that this thread is a Godsend for me today! I spent the afternoon holding a screaming 8 week old and crying because I couldn’t soothe him and I felt like I was a terrible mother! Like an earlier post-er, our son was a long-term project following miscarriages, fertility treatments, premature birth, and weeks in NICU. Now that he is home, I feel like I should be joyful every moment, grateful for this blessing, and I truly am grateful, but I am also overwhelmed and exhausted! In my pre-baby life I was always in control and knew what I was doing. Now, every decision I make is pretty much a guess! A friend told me today to remember that all these baby stages are temporary and that really helped me. I can look at my screaming, fussy, impossible to soothe baby and realize that tomorrow is another day and there will be another after that and so on. One day I may even miss a day like today (although I seriously, seriously doubt it!). On a positive note, I never really understood the depth of love I would feel. I knew I would love him, but I just didn’t really get what that meant. Now I do and it makes everything else ok.
@Rachel, My son was so colicky, I dreaded being left alone with him. That phase felt eternal but I am happy to report it is really in the rearview mirror. And this was my third (blessed) baby boy. I was so ready to be the chilled out third-time mom. Well ha ha. Turns out it is still hard having someone scream in your face for hours at a time with every fiber of their little being.
I’m so glad I found this! I’m a first time mom to my 2 week old little boy, and I can’t stand not having all the answers. Like someone said earlier, it’s all a guess! No one told me that my milk wouldn’t be in yet (if it ever does come in), and that I’d be nursing, pumping, and supplementing with formula and getting more confused each day if my baby was getting enough! No one mentioned all the visitors that are so well-intentioned, but who cause any small bit of schedule we once had to fly out the door! I know I can make it through. One day I’ll look back and smile, but it just all seems so hard! I just want to give my baby what he needs!