Yesterday I was asked what my biggest parenting obstacle was and how I’ve overcome it. It’s a tough question, but I knew my answer right away.
When Julian was born, I wanted to be the best mother in the history of the world. And to me, that meant doing it all myself. In the early months, I wanted to hold him, feed him, dress him, plan his childhood, and I didn’t want any help from anyone except my husband.
I had to loosen the reins because of some other deserving stakeholders. His grandparents also wanted to be the best grandparents in the history of the world — and I had to let them in even though I didn’t really want to share my baby. Over time, I got more comfortable accepting help from others, and now I can see that sharing parenting duties has two great values.
First is that other people have wonderful gifts to offer my children. And I don’t mean more stuffed animals. I mean that different dispositions and communication styles, as well as different passions and senses of humor are things that I want my kids exposed to. Family members as well as paid caregivers bring new perspectives into our world, and that’s a good thing.
The second reason I can’t do it all myself is that I CAN’T DO IT ALL MYSELF. Good god, children, must you really ask for dinner every night and breakfast every morning, even on the weekends? As the spot-on e-card reminds us, there are no vacations from parenting, and I now appreciate every opportunity I have to catch a break, to socialize in adult settings, to read a book in silence, to take a productive business trip. In the first few months, however, I did not yet crave that separation. I think it kicks in at different times for different people, and I’ll look forward to hearing what you all say.
School, grandparents (and restaurants!) are important to my sanity. And the woman who cleans my house twice per month, too. Let’s not forget her.
I love knowing that I’m the biggest influence on my children’s lives. Just as I fantasized when I was growing up, I am their role model, their cheerleader, their first teacher. I show them how the world works, how to wrap a present, how to talk to babies, how to use sarcasm as humor, and how to wash their own hair. But I’m not going to teach them long division, prepare every meal they ever ingest, or meet every need they’ll ever have. I need “the village” to protect my sanity.
My 2nd is almost 14 months and in the last month I hit my personal wall. My toddler is already in preschoold 3x week and regularly spends time with grandma, but the baby had rarely left my side since she didn’t take a bottle. She started using sippy cups right around her birthday AND turned into a toddler tornado AND I proceeded to almost lost my mind. Right now I’m in the process of lining up regular morning playdates with all her grandparents (lucky to have them all in town) because I need some time to get things done without a whirling dervish underfoot. You’re right that everyone has a different tipping point, but it was pretty clear when I hit mine. Calling all hands on deck!
I’m the worst combination of the choices you presented: I want other people’s help but only if they do it to my exact specifications. Yeah, I’ve been told I need to lighten up. I’m working on it.
I do let other people feed my kids, teach them karate, and clean our home without a whole lot of interference (unless you give them too much sugar, then we must talk!).
Oh man. My village is my lifeline. My sister lives with us and watches my kids when I’m at work, which sometimes includes three-week long work trips. And over the summer, my children travel to Florida with my parents and stay there all summer. This lets my husband and I re-center, it gives them time to grow closer to each other without us forcing them to get along, and it lets them get all the love Grandma and Grandpa can give, for at least two uninterrupted months. My parents used to do this for us (send the four of us kids to Mexico for the whole summer) and it really was the best gift they could have ever given us. Without the extra pair of hands at home and the “break” over the summer, I would have lost my mind two years ago when Meike was born. True story.
I love hearing about your set-up and rituals, Elizabeth. I’m still working on a theory of WHY we need to hear that another parent does something before we can consider it, but learning about your summer solution plants a little seed in my mind where I’m just starting to grow the idea of longer periods of separation from my kids.
I’m right there with you. When my first was born we lived hundreds of miles from family and were on our own with a colic monster, and when we moved closer to family it was a huge relief that presented a new set of challenges. I’ve worked hard to relax and let other people share their gifts with my children, but I often feel undermined by my mom’s insistence on doing things she knows I don’t like (namely never making her take a nap and pumping her full of candy). It’s a fine line, and everyone’s line is different.
We compromise: hubby and I enjoy our time with the baby and outsource the rest (e.g. no nanny but rather a housekeeper and cook).
I’m like Heather… or I think I would be if I had more of a “village” around me. My son will be 1 next week and is entering toddlerhood full force.
We live 5-6 hours from most of our family. I’ve made one other mommy friend where we are and I go to mommy-and-me types of activities throughout the week. That being said, I’ve never left my son with anyone other than his dad for a couple hours on the weekend when I want to go shopping or do something on my own. When we visit at home, I crave the help, but get mad when it’s not the help in the way I expected to it be and just do it on my own. Yes, I have control issues… I’m aware of it. But our situation makes it so it really is just me and my son most of the time. I’d love more mommy friends to hang out with, just for the adult interaction. Now, babysitters… that’s a whole other area. 
Reading that it kicks in at different times for different people came as a relief to me. We are 2k miles from family and its always been just baby and me (and husband). Baby is now 2.5yrs old but family doesn’t understand why I don’t “want a break”. Its not that I don’t want time to myself, its just that I’ve had to be creative in where I find it while we’re out here on our own. We’re working on #2, so I have no doubt that my need for a big break is coming, but its nice to think about letting everyone get there at there own pace.
@LT I had set a goal for myself to leave my baby for one night at age one, two nights at two, and so on. I think we all think of ourselves as average, and everyone else is one one extreme or another. If you don’t need a break, it sounds like it’s for the best because your family is so far away! This discussion is interesting; I’d love to collect a bigger set of data on when moms feel burned out!
It is so interesting to hear that others get to a stage where be day everything is good and the next they need time out. I have a three year old and a one year old and am 6 months pregnant and about three months ago I hit a wall where I suddenly panicked as I would not be able to leave the house for at least a year once baby is born. It isn’t strictly true, but it was a sudden fear, I fall into the category of wanting help yet not thinking anyone does it the way it “should”be done. I’m now working on this control issue and am getting out, even just for an hour here and there or to the cinema once every few weeks. Thank you for making me realise everyone gets to a point where they realise they can’t spend 24/7 caring or thier children or they may go a little crazy.
I really needed to read this, thank you. We do not live near family that has been able to help out, so this past year (first year of our son’s life) has been a struggle with me having to be in control of everything. I find that the few times we have visited with family it has been hard for me to suddenly let them watch our son, or take care of something. I need to keep this in mind in the future, “I mean that different dispositions and communication styles, as well as different passions and senses of humor are things that I want my kids exposed to.” Perfectly said. THANK YOU. I am going to link to this on my Facebook and blog!
Brandi, Every member of my family would read this and say I’m the same way. We live very far from family so my husband and I figured out this parenting thing together with the help of our friends (real-life and online), our greater parenting community (holla to the best preschool ever), and paid caregivers. I really suck at letting to of the reins. And that is maybe ok.
We live over 2000 miles from any family and honestly we are cool with that;). The only time I wish they were nearby is when I’m sick and think “Man, wouldn’t it be awesome to send my daughter to their house for a day so I could sleep all day.”
I did reach a breaking point as a stay at home mom though when she was about 2.5 or 3 and wasnt yet in preschool — I suddenly told my husband “I must have a dedicated alone time every week. Just having it to look forward to will be treat enough.” So we immediately put a plan in play where he and our daughter had a little date on Saturday afternoons — having it on the schedule has been awesome. Otherwise I would reach a point of “I need to get out of here now!” which my husband was totally cool with but I would feel guilty about leavin because I was frustrated and therefore wouldn’t enjoy my time away. Having it as a set thing made all the difference in the world. No more guilt!
Since then she has starte preschool at age 4 for 2 mornings a week, so I got more alone time then and now have a newborn so the alone aspect is gone, but snuggling a cuddly newborn while catching up on Top Chef is maybe even better;)
As for help, our daughter is in preschool 2 mornings a week and that’s all the “outside” help we have which works for us.