My life is pretty darn good. I don’t have an iPhone or a personal chef, but my days are full of family, friends, interesting work, healthy children, and enough money to pay for a weekly date night. So it’s possible I have little understanding of what it feels like to be painfully jealous of others, because I can usually come back to the place of reminding myself that I have everything I need.
When I recorded this video, I had just read a few blog posts and comments elsewhere from people who described feeling so unhappy when they read about the successes and good times of their friends on Facebook, that they have to stop reading. I was feeling unsympathetic towards people who allowed a stream of enthusiastic status updates to tell them that everyone else’s life is better than theirs.
Despite what I said above, I can think of one particular thing that might drive me away from the constant stream of news and pictures from my friends. And that would be infertility.
Twice I struggled to conceive exactly when I wanted to. Though I was able to get pregnant about a year later in each case, I got a taste of the frustration and sadness that some women face for years. Since one of the main topics of conversation in my Facebook environment is children, their births, milestones, and silly moments, I really would understand if someone in my social circle who wished to have children but couldn’t decided that Facebook was giving her more bad feelings than good, and that it was better for her mental health to stay away.
What do you think? Does Facebook make you green with envy? Do other people’s vacation pictures bum you out? Or are there deeper issues surfacing that I haven’t considered?
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Anytime I start to get jealous of someone else’s status on FB, I remember when *I* was on a Caribbean vacation posting amazingly gorgeous photos of scenery, beaches and views from our balcony all the while having a MISERABLE time dealing with a 3 year old and an almost 1 year old, time difference, a 3rd world country and in-laws. Lots and lots of in-laws. None of that made it to FB though, less I come off as and ungrateful shrew. Just like reality TV, FB might not be the complete story- though I will admit to being jealous when a single friend complains about having too long a layover in an airport (I could make GREAT use of that alone time, thanks!) or going out to yet another kid free dinner.
Both of my children spent the first 3 weeks of their lives in the hospital for very different reasons, and I had to give myself daily injections for most of my second pregnancy. Sometimes I have to fight feelings of jealousy watching friends have easy pregnancies and bring home 2 day old babies to cuddle in bed and hide out from the world. But then I look at my 2 miracle babies who would not have survived a hundred years ago and I feel like the luckiest woman in the world:)
Many of life’s everyday encounters are difficult when you experience infertility. FB is a lot of those occasional encounters, every day. Thank goodness you can hide or unsubscribe to people’s status updates now
I actually feel bad posting things saying how great my life is or where we are at or what we are doing. I know some of my FB friends are having hard times and I feel like it would make them feel bad. I often find myself filtering my posts.
The hardest part of Facebook while struggling with infertility was friends who set their ultrasound pictures as their profile picture. The baby-related posts were hard enough without that constant reminder on non-baby posts as well!
A very clever frends a book status ths week was “we compare our behind the scenes to others highlight reels” which I think is the crux of it.
I look wistfully at the photos of single friends having carefree nights out but wouldn’t trade my family for it. I suspect some of them feel the same but it doesn’t stop me feeling envious of them checking in at swanky bars while I’m stressing over a weekly budget or holding a teething baby.
The only thing that gives me a twinge of jealousy is seeing my friends and acquaintances posting about their pregnancies. We recently went through a miscarriage and they often remind me of the fact that I should be such-and-such weeks along. At the same I am so glad that I can share in the joys of friends lives. If it weren’t for this season of life I really don’t feel that Facebook makes me jealous of my friends.
I just came across your website on Pinterest, and I love it! I am I guess what you would call an “expert” with a 5 month old son, but yeah I don’t feel like it! Anyways, yes I always feel bad posting about my son on facebook because of my friends that are having fertility issues. I pray and hope that they are blocking me actually, so they don’t feel bad. Great website…I will visit often!
Following two miscarriages over three years of trying, I am 5 1/2 months into my first so-far successful pregnancy. Remembering how Facebook pregnancy updates once made me weep, I have deliberately not mentioned my status online. In fact, I’ve gone so far as to untag myself in a photo that outed me as pregnant (though not before my ex’s sister saw it – oy).
Jealous is not the right word for the way I used to feel. It was pain, soul-searing pain that often lead me to ignore or unfriend people I genuinely like because their success was too much to bear. I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone, so for now, my pregnancy is only for those in the real world to share.
I’m so glad someone is addressing this topic. I thought I was the only one who felt this way sometimes. I wouldn’t say I get jealous of other people’s lives, but I do a lot of comparing. Its awful and I conciously try not to, but sometimes I can’t help it.
I had my first baby in July, along with about 6 of my other far way friends. I can’t help but “compare” the stages that my baby is at, to what other people’s baby’s are at, who are younger than mine. For instance, one of my friends baby is a whole month younger than mine and her baby has been lifting her head, enjoy tummy time, sitting up and almost crawling, long before mine. Its so stupid because I know that all babies progress at different rates, but sometimes I just can’t help it! So silly!
I don’t do FB. I am not somehow missing out with my friends. I am in contact with them on a weekly basis.I hate the “look at me” attitude. No one cares about that anyway! I mean, how many people actually CARE that you are going shopping right now. It is just another way we put walls between true meaningful relationships. It is a giant contest on who can say the funniest, most spiritual, most wise, best thing. Who has what. Who does what. We pretend to be celebrities. We have it all together, see people that I don’t really like? Again, who really cares that you do have it all together? And how could they care? Say you have over 100 friends. Can that many people actually care about you, enough to truly want to know the honest you? Do you WANT that many people knowing the real you? LOL! I am so glad you are putting this out there. You aren’t the only one, for sure.
Totally agree with Meghan – Facebook makes me compare myself to other moms and wonder if my baby is developing alright or if I’m doing enough as a mom. (Example thought: She’s so crafty – look how cute her party decorations are – wonder if I will ever be that together – where does she find the time? Blah Blah Blah.) I also just had my baby in July and as a first-time mom, and a life-long neurotic, I don’t need the fodder for my anxiety! I’m mulling over giving up Facebook. It’s mostly pretty silly, and I’m wasting time reading about people I don’t interact with in real life.
To echo a similar comment – Don’t compare your insides to their outsides.
It was especially true after my miscarriage last summer. I had to remind myself that I didn’t post about my miscarriage so it is likely (20-25%) that it has happened to others and they didn’t post about it.
I think FB and other media can sometimes create a false perceptions of people’s lives. I had a discussion with one of my friend’s today about the blog that we both follow and she said that she likes it a lot because the mom-writer shows the good, the bad and the ugly side of her family life. Do you think people like to read about other people’s problems more than they like to find out about their successes?
I don’t compare myself to others, but I think some of the good stories people share can be inspiring.
BTW: great topic!
yes. yes and more yes. When we were struggling with fertility – fo shizzle. When we struggled with breastfeeding and then everyone posts on FB about how breastfeeding is the best. When I decided to be a SAHM and my career friends with kids were getting promotions and posting all the fun things that our career was offering them. When my daughter is evaluated as under her age for speech and the other girl is posting about how advanced her son’s vocabulary is (same age). So yes. Facebook contributed to all sorts of pain and depression. And my solution has been to get off of it for awhile when I need to. And to read a book that’s helping me to remember that my story is unique. My life is unique and I need to be authentic to it. Don’t puff up in defensiveness, don’t shrink away with shame and guilt. Just remember that I’m me. My life is my life. And my life is pretty great.