As an only child growing up, I had many fantasies involving the discovery or acquisition of a sibling who would be my companion and playmate for the rest of my life.
This actually happened to my cousin, but when she was over 40, married, and had a child. Now she, previously an only child, and her half-brother have become family, getting to know each other as adults, having two totally different experiences growing up separately, biologically fathered by the same man.
Her story is similar to the plot of the new movie People Like Us, a relationship drama with Elizabeth Banks, Chris Pine, and Michelle Pfeiffer.
I saw this movie last week. Watching the movie and knowing that it was inspired by a similar experience writer/director Alex Kurtzman had himself an adult made me want to ask him all sorts of invasive questions. I was at a screening of the film, and he was present, but I behaved myself. I mean, we were invited to ask questions, but I felt like everything I wanted to know about him was pretty personal about his family.
Now I want to ask you guys about your half-siblings and about half-siblings your children may have. Aside from the crazy, “I didn’t know about my father’s love child until I was an adult” stories, I’m fascinated by the implicit unbalance of the relationship. One child is from the current marriage, while the other child is from a previously dissolved relationship. In other words, within the sibling pair, one person is a stepchild and the other is not.
In my own childhood, I was the stepchild. That word may have a negative connotation, but not in my experience. In fact on the positive side, I was in my family first. My dad lived another life before his current family, and I was there with him. I have known my stepmother longer than her own children, my half-siblings, have. I remember their births. After all, I was 8 and 11 years old.
I’m not sure I have much more to say about this — unless a therapist drags it out of me — but I’m curious about the experience of others. Is it better to be the older or the younger half-sibling?
Do you have any half-siblings? Does your child? Does the premise of this movie intrigue you for any other reason?
I recommend People Like Us, whose title Heather says People LIKE Us instead of People Like US, and I thank the folks at Dreamworks for hosting me for the screening and the Hilton Garden Inn in Hollywood for providing lodging.
I have four older half-siblings, all from my dad’s first marriage. I never lived in the same house with any of them. AND I have a step-brother from my dad’s third marriage. (AND my dad’s high school girlfriend got knocked up and “disappeared” so I probably have another anonymous half-sib out there somewhere. Slow down there, dad!) When I was young they were strangers. Now they are family. My first son is named after my half-brother who passed away.
I have a friend who discovered he has an illegitimate half-sibling after his dad passed away. His mom was furious when he found out, and even more furious when he told his sister about it. Why try to hide it from grown adults? In this day and age I consider all my halves and steps to be just a normal family. But I think the younger sibs have the better deal – they usually get to grow up in a non-broken family. The first ones get the broken family by default.
@Ghanamatrix, your friend’s scenario is the exact premise of People Like Us. I’d be curious to know if he likes the way the story is handled.
I have (at least) two half brothers, one of whom is 4 months younger than me. (You do the math.) I have no relationship with either of them of my father, and I really have no desire to meet them. I figure that if my father has not yet taken the initiative to have any sort of relationship with his child, he’s probably not worth it.
I was adopted (sort of-open adoption) and have a half brother that I’ve never met. I hope I can meet him one day, but I don’t know if he knows I exist. So, yeah, it’s a bit complicated.
I have an older half sibling -a sister. She is 3 years older than me and she is just my big sister; we never used the “half-sister” moniker, probably because we have the same mother. My younger sister and I share both biological parents, but I never thought she was “more” of a sister than my older sister because of this.
I have three older half-siblings. So far I have only met one of them (my two “full” siblings have met a second one) and we have a pleasant but not close relationship – don’t see each other often but enjoy it when we can. I knew about these siblings growing up but didn’t meet my one brother until I was an adult.
Since you and I are different people, we don’t usually aggregate our families, but I found myself doing so today. Together we have 3 half-sibs, 3 step-sibs, + only 1 old-fashioned. (Oh and 5 children, we’re so busy!)
I find it interesting that I just read this post after saying goodbye to my younger half-brother who was just here for a visit, and we talked about our family dynamics while he was here! I am the youngest of four kids for my parents, and then they divorced and my dad’s 2nd marriage resulted in my two younger brothers. While I lived with my mom, my dad was only a half hour away and I spent a lot of time there too. My younger brothers are just that- nothing different from my older brother or sisters really. They’re all the same level of uncles/aunts to my son, we just happen to have different moms. But I think our situation is COMPLETELY different from half-siblings that are a result of a cheating spouse, especially ones that are only “discovered” as adults! Completely different dynamic I would think!
I don’t have any half-siblings, but I do have a unique family situation. My parents took in a 16-year-old foster child after I was away at university. He and my biological brother (five years younger than me) are 5 months apart in age, and graduated from high school together. At age 26, this fall will be our 10th anniversary as siblings. Sometimes people say to me “he’s not really your brother”. And sure, there’s the aspect that we didn’t grow up together, and he and I never actually lived in the same house. But he’s family. Now that my bio brother & I are out of the house, and he’s still living at home, I can say I really appreciate all the help he gives my parents. Maybe it’s because his previous family experiences weren’t so positive, but he has an intense appreciation & respect for the family where my bio brother and I sometimes take it for granted. It’s not the most common family structure, but I wouldn’t trade it. (see a recent sibling photo we took: http://imgur.com/77M8z)
I am one, found out in my early 30′s….
I have a younger brother that I lived with from my father’s first marriage and two half sisters from his second marriage. They are 14 and 15 years younger than me and I’ve never met in person other than the older when she was a baby. Their mother didn’t want them to meet me unless I stopped living with my mother and move in with them- the ulterior motive so my dad wouldn’t have to pay maintenance to my mum(? Very odd) -that was 19 years ago and they still don’t have any desire to meet me. I contacted one sister on her 18th birthday via my Dad but she didn’t reply. I don’t understand it at all I have always wanted to be part of my little sisters lives but alas they do not I try not to get too upset about it but it obviously upsets me. My Dad tries not to get involved he says “they don’t know you at all and don’t know what to say to you”…my father is an only child so I don’t think he understands. I’m now 33 years old and just want my family to be together, maybe not all best friends but together.
I have a half brother, I’m 19, and he was born in 2000 I’ve been told. I was born in Scandinavia, my father is Moroccan, by mother south american and scandinavian, my parents didn’t get along and got a divorce when I was 2. My mum then ran off with me to Canada for six months, and then to England where I was raised. She wasn’t great growing up, often she was (and is still is) very emotionally abusive, false, manipulative & sly. She also often would hit me, sometimes she gave me huge nosebleeds.
My parents had a ‘custody battle’ because my father wanted to see me but my mum was very possesive, and I think she wanted to revenge him for not loving her anymore, by not letting him see me. I think it pained her to see he cared about me, but had had enough of her behavior. I know now after growing up with her, she is not an easy person to live with at all. But she managed to win custody because I didn’t tell anyone what she was really like, and the courts favour mothers.
But anyway, my grandmother (who thankfully is very mothering and kind, and as a result I see her more as my mother figure) told me I had a half brother as she still lives in the same city my father lives in. He remarried in the 90′s, and had a son in 2000, I think a few years after that he and his wife divorced.
I have been trying to find my brother online for a while, I knew what his first name was (my grandmother told me as she works for the health service) but I didn’t know the exact spelling and neither did she. Then today I found him on Facebook. He has my fathers surname, (which is a very rare surname, so I am pretty sure it’s him) the same first name I was told, looks about 12, and looks like me a little. I was quite shocked to say the least as I’ve never found him when looking online before. But I’m very happy I have. I don’t quite yet feel ready to contact him, maybe in a few months or later next year, but still, it’s a nice feeling to know I have a little brother out there, as I didn’t really enjoy being an only child. I hope someday we can form a friendship.
I was an only child and as an adult I had two boys 16 years apart, with different dads that are closer than twins. Both of them have half siblings from their fathers side and both choose not to have anything to do with them. Even I have tried facillitating their relationship with their half siblings by having us all meet up at Bar-B-Q’s and inviting them to my teen son’s birthdays, but it just does not seem to gel.
Both of my son’s fathers were poor choices on my part and I think there is a lot of resentment on my son’s part for how lousy they treated me and how neglectful they were of their children, but this should not rub off onto the half siblings.
Anyone have any insight as to why they may not want to have a relationship with their half siblings? On my adult son’s side, his half brothers have reached out to him numerous times and he shuns them. As for my teen, he will communicate with his half siblings, but is not overly fond of any of them. I hate that I can’t seem to bring them closer together.
Being a single and only child myself, I think I would have been thrilled to have extended family and ANY siblings at all. So this just baffles me…
I am the oldest of one brother, two half-sisters, and an unknown who I found out about, reading through transcripts of my parents’ divorce, about three decades ago. In the eighties, I searched high and low with the access I had. To date, I have yet to make contact. Before my father died, he wanted me to ask him anything that was bothering me, and so I asked him about this “situation”, assuring him it would be kept private. He smiled and said, I’d like to go home. I never got my answer.
Family is really important to me, and I hope some day God brings this person into my life. We must remember, there’s no reason to blame a half sibling for being part of us, and that siblings, half or not, are in our lives, if accepted, longer than any other relative!
I have four half brothers. They are all older than me and have their own families and life to attend to. I know really nothing about them, except for their own accomplishments in life. I would love to know them on a personal level, however, there is such an age difference that I know nothing will ever come of it. It would be nice to have my neices and nephews know me and for them to know my father. Although it hasn’t been so bad without them, and although I think about them quiet often I still don’t really consider them siblings, rather second cousins. It’s funny, how much of my life was similar to People Like Us.
I just found out a week ago that I have not one but two half sisters. Surprising news for me at 52 but my half sisters knew the secret about 30 years ago but were sworn to keep the secret. My two half sisters were only known to me and my siblings as cousins. Turns out when my Mom was young, she got pregnant and since she had no means of taking care of them, she gave the first one to her brother and then 2 or 3 years later, she got pregnant again and gave that baby to her sister. She felt so much shame (she was a product long before the sexual revolution born about the time of the depression) and fear that we would turn away from her that she kept the secrets. My one half sister was just diagnosed with lung cancer and her husband told my mom that if she didn’t tell us, he would, so that made her confess to us. My one half sister would come to our family gatherings and I remember her being there for mothers day in 2010 (her mom who raised her died several years ago) and how strange that must have been for her with all of us not knowing that my mom is her birth mom. It is such a shame that my mom had so much fear and kept her secrets for over 60 years.