I was going through some old boxes of letters and found this clipping from a Child magazine from 1992. I have no earthly idea why someone would have given me this sidebar article about parenting twenty years ago, but since it was saved, I thought we could discuss it.
Opinions? Do you wish there were hard and fast rules like this for making parenting decisions or are you comfortable feeling it out as you go?
Interesting! I like the guidelines as a sense of what other people do. I wonder if they would be the same today, twenty years later — the ages still seem reasonable to me (although the “taking a first step” cracks me up, as if you are giving your child permission to do that when you deem it to be advisable) but I feel like people are so much more willing to point fingers and shout NEGLECT these days. I was a latchkey kid at 8 and it was fine, but I’m not sure if walking to school alone at 8 or staying home alone at 10 still fly.
@CM I was also a latchkey kid, too, and it was fine
I’m starting to be able to visualize leaving my kids alone, although I think it’s many years before I wouldn’t be accused of negligence. We live a 3-minute walk from a grocery store. I think they’d be fine for 20 minutes or so and they’re only 4 and 7! Yes, I think social pressure influences these decisions more than our internal barometers for what our kids are ready for.
Funny, most of these sound about right to me. Are there more guidelines for when your kids are teenagers???? JK!
The swimming lessons one stuck out to me because I feel like nowadays, lots of people start that before the first birthday! I know 3 year olds who are already great swimmers and very safe in a pool. And the bike… We were just hanging out with a 3 or 4 year old who was rocking the 2 wheel with no problems. Depends on the kid, I guess!
One thing I wish there were more prescriptive guidelines (and/or actual laws) about are things like leaving your children at home alone, letting them walk around the neighbourhood alone, etc. There seems to be a lot of judgment, on behalf of judgy parents and police/child protective services, of children who are doing things independently of a supervising adult. I know a lot of parents who feel their children are ready, but who fear that people will judge them or take their children away, if they let them do things alone.
How old do kids have to be before I can leave them in the car to run into the gas station or to drop off the dry cleaning or anything that would be less than 5 mins…Are there laws about this or is it just society’s guidelines?
I agree with a few of these other comments. I think many moms (me!) put off things they know their child would be ok with, just because of what other people would think. I also know that I have felt like an overprotective mom because my son isn’t ready to do some of those things when others his age are. I think this list seems pretty reasonable, though! My son is 4 this summer and taking his first swimming lesson and I know most kids his age have had them at least one, maybe two years before. But I have left him before to run down the block to a neighbor’s for a few minutes and he is just fine. Every kid is different!
I love these types of lists and guidelines. I either feel validated in my consistency with the list, superiority for times when my children excel faster, and guilt over the things I’m letting my children do that allegedly they aren’t ready for, which is handy because I always need something to feel guilty about as a Mom and this seems benign enough to fill the role.
Honestly, I do like these lists. I feel they give some definition to the vast open, endless things we encounter as parents.
The truth is though, everyone’s different and we all have to be confident and at peace with the choices we are making for our own kids…the trick is figuring out how to actually feel like that.
I like this list, as it suggest there is some point at which we might actually let kids do things alone! I think some of them are a little old, but not wildly so, it is important to me that my kids learn independence, so as soon as they seem ready, I try to encourage that behavior.
However, I do think the fears expressed about the negative results of other people thinking kids are to young for _______ leads to lots of us delaying independence.
I love the taking a first step advice like @CM mentioned. I keep thinking, “I wonder when Holden (age 7) will be ready to run into a store and buy something while I wait in the car.” I am SURE Milo will be ready by age 7 but H is still a bit dreamy.
But seriously why do you have this? Girl, you were still a child when this came out.
@Heather, I know! Amongst all the letters I saved in high school and college it was clear that my friends and I sent each other weird clippings from magazines. Possibly my college boyfriend sent it as a joke?
Hang on a second, the nineties were 20 years ago?? I feel old. Sob.
@Heather and Whitney… You should read the book Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy if you haven’t already. It talks about the peer pressure and judgement regarding when to let your kids be independent.
Guidelines are always helpful. As long as they don’t become hard rules. I think parenting is a mix of following guidelines and going with your guts!
Ha, the first step cracks me up — when Brooklyn started walking at 9 months, I guess I should have knocked her down and said “You are not old enough to do that! You have to wait two months.”;)
I think most of them are close to what I would come up with on my own — I wouldn’t leave her alone so young.
She started taking baths alone at 3, because she sings the.entire.time, so we know she’s fine — if it gets quiet for a few seconds we call out “Brooklyn, are you okay?” and she knows she is to immediately answer “Yeah!” (We aren’t as lazy as we sound — we still go check in person several times too;)
And playing alone in a room? Dude, I did that from the beginning — foster some independence in the kiddos, and that has served us very, very well. If they are in a safe space where there is nothing that can hurt them, they’re fine — I cannot fathom waiting two years to leave your child alone in a room!