Years ago, I went to my first mom’s group meeting, lugging my 5-week old in his bucket carseat. My c-section scar was still hurting when I lifted the seat and my breasts were so large from nursing that I felt unlike myself. Normally petite, abeit with C-cups passed down through many generations of voluptuous Russian Jews, I was newly sporting G-cups and had only lost a few pounds besides the initial 8-lb baby that had been extracted. I was not feeling anything like my old confident self, never mind my quirky and honest self.
I was however, very enthusiastic about meeting the group, bonding with them, and finding one or two women with whom I could really connect, who would be open to spending time together during our maternity leaves.
So, what did I say when it was my turn to talk? Not much of substance. We were asked to check in and share our highs and lows. I think I probably used the words “fine”, “great”, “fun”, and maybe “cute”. I probably said that my nipples hurt, too.
When I left the meeting, I realized that I was the only one who had given birth via C-section, and I didn’t share how terrible that made me feel. I had also endured a very difficult situation that prevented me from breastfeeding my baby for the first 10 days of his life. When I saw all those other mothers, somehow I had squashed that experience in the back of my mind, ignoring the fact that it had made me feel like I wasn’t a real mom, that I had somehow failed.
Since then, I have always held that meeting in my mind as an experience during which I wished I had been braver.
Last month, I read The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed To Be and Be Who You Are. In this guide to “wholehearted” living, the author Brene Brown explains that keeping up a façade of perfection prevents others from being able to connect with us.
That’s exactly what I had done back at my Mom’s Group. In my attempt to be who I wanted to be, I wasn’t myself, and so I didn’t allow my potential friends to make a connection with the real me.
Brene Brown’s book is not about motherhood specifically, but that one lesson from the book spoke loudly to me in the context of moms. It made me think that I would like to have in my toolbox a list of phrases that help me show my vulnerability. Thinking of the Mom’s Group setting, I came up with:
This is hard to talk about…
I feel embarrassed to say this but…
I hope I’m not the only one who…
I might cry if I say this outloud…
Sometimes we need to ask for support from other people. Using a phrase like this is a way to “flag” what we are about to say as something that needs special attention or empathy.
So I resolve to be a little braver. And I encourage you new moms, when you show up to meet with a group of moms, to be yourself. If chit-chatting about strollers and carseats is just what you need, terrific. But maybe sometime you can borrow a phrase from my toolbox and take a chance.
It’s so funny how sometimes you find just what you need at just the right moment. Your post was just that. I just blogged about a topic that makes me pretty insecure; my lack of mommy friends. I am going to try and find the book you quoted, it sounds like it’s very insightful.
Ooooh that book sounds amazing. I too had a c-section and my daughter was in the NICU for 8 days, preventing me from being able to breastfeed. I felt like an alien being at the moms group. My incision was infected, my daughter developed colic, and I was pumping milk every 3 hours around the clock. It wasn’t the most fun experience. I had a lot of trouble relating to anyone.
I don’t think you have to have had a c-section to feel ‘out of place’ among moms. I feel like an alien mom all the time, and I had two vaginal deliveries and no trouble with breastfeeding. My issues are elsewhere, they have to do with other things. Women are extremely judgmental, and there is no place I’ve experienced this more than motherhood. Thanks for this post. I hope we all get the courage to be more ourselves.
Love this. Wish more people were honest. It would also save a lot of time and effort of getting to know people that you know aren’t really “your type” if they had just been honest rather than “generic.” Moreover, I know plenty of people that are perfectly “nice,” but I find myself drawn to people who are willing to wear their hearts on their sleeves like me. Nice somehow comes off as “little personality” even though it’s not necessarily true.
P.S. The birth of my first was similar to yours and I remember feeling like less of a mother for quite some time.
Oh to be so brave–sore c-section scar and bulging g-cups or no–to say, “I feel embarrassed to say this, but…” I love the idea of acknowledging your vulnerability with a setup line like that. Kind of like what they tell you to do if you’re giving a talk in front of a bunch of people: if you acknowledge (but don’t dwell on) your fear/embarrassment/etc., it puts your audience at ease. Like for me, I’m uncomfortable asking for someone to explain something that I think I should be able to understand (SEO, credit default swaps) and so I usually keep quiet and then go google it later. I think it’s nice to have the little intro, “I feel embarrassed to ask this, but who’s Dmitri Medvedev?” Thanks for writing about this…
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Rookie Moms, Rookie Moms, europhilemama, Lynda Bruschini, Jennifer Newton and others. Jennifer Newton said: RT @rookiemoms: How not to behave at mom's group http://ow.ly/3K6YM [...]
Great topic. Wish I could apply it to my Mom’s Group, and when I say “my” I mean “theirs.” I have been in two groups now where it is not a support group for moms, but a cliche of friends where others are simply not allowed in. And now the one chapter finds itself about to expire – no one new will take the reigns! Imagine. You do need support, honesty, friendship, kinship, and general common courtesy. Thank you again for bringing up the topic, this one needs to be continued!
I will visit again! Paula
You said it! Thanks for bringing this up, and for recommending that book, which sounds like it was written for me. I have been grappling with this for years, and particularly around bringing my baby into this world — I dealt with infertility, then a complicated pregnancy, then also had a c-section, all of which added up to make me feel like “less” of a woman and a mom, too. I am pretty sure I did this exact same thing with my own moms’ group. I was so concerned with seeming like a “normal mom” that I didn’t let my guard down. We still keep in touch, and now it’s kind of awkward b/c I don’t feel like they truly know me.
Sigh.
I need this book.
I had major breastfeeding issues and even at 17 months I still feel like I can’t talk about it honestly. Even now I’m surprised by how much it has affected me. The few occasions someone else has mentioned problems it has meant so much to me, whether or not I was prepared to join in. What a great post.
This post was just what I needed to hear. I’ve so been in a mood to just be brave and stop acting like a mommy robot. Thank you!
So true!! I was a little bit of a “mom’s group slut” and joined a couple after my first son was born. I had been pretty depressed, so it was only after my friend kind of forced me to go out into the world (2.5 months after giving birth) that I met anyone new. Hands down, the women I am still friends with today are the women who let it all hang out. We found each other instinctively–the ones who talked about the nightmares of breastfeeding, about the crying, about the contempt for your spouse, about the secret, non-mushy feelings you had for your baby at any given moment. As for the women who seemed happy and together (and some of them probably were genuinely happy) I felt like it was asking too much of me to go along with the narrative. I was exhausted and couldn’t manage hiding anything. For every woman who looks at you funny when you cry, there’s another one who is ready to give you a hug! These women saved my life.
I love this pic! The babies are so cute! Love your blog!
I love, love, love my moms group, and I believe it’s precisely because we’re all on the same page when it comes to being open and honest. The first time I went there, I took a deep breath and confessed (to these women who had children, as in “more than one birth”) that I really never ever wanted to give birth again, ever. And nobody raised an eyebrow… (as a matter of fact, they told me that it was totally normal to feel that way right after giving birth). I knew I had found my tribe.
I don’t think you can get anything out of going to a moms group unless you’re honest. I mean… what’s the point of going there if you just sit there the whole time hoping you won’t slip and accidentally say something “wrong”?!
I think this (great) advice applies for non-rookies and rookies alike!
Some more sound advice for the new mom groups: DO NOT show up to the first meeting 6 weeks post-partum and complain you’ve easily lost all the baby weight but you’re not the same size. The twin mom who was so proud that she actually made it out of the house on her own AND showered (!!) while caring for two babies might think very very stabby thoughts.
I am fortunate to have a wonderful and supportive moms group. But we met before we had our babies, in prenatal yoga. Our instructor encouraged us to make friends, especially those of us having our first. It took a while, but eventually 5 of us started having lunch after class and meeting in the park for walks. I think that made a big difference. We got used to venting about our issues and asking questions about each other’s pregnancies. So when our kids were born (we all have boys, all within 6 months of each other!), it wasn’t so hard to confess our difficulties and fears or to ask questions.
I don’t know where I’d be without my support group and new best friends! They are so often my lifeline on this roller-coaster ride of motherhood!
I also like, “I never thought I’d say this but…”
I’m tearing up just reading this. I sorta reached out the other day about my struggles and got nothing back. It seems to echo in your head and your heart and makes you more and more tentative to appear to be anything other than superwoman.
[...] just read an entry on the blog Rookie Moms about joining a mother’s group and how difficult it can be to talk about all the real issues [...]
I know I already commented on this post, but I found I’ve been thinking a lot about it since reading it yesterday. It inspired me for today’s post on my own blog. I’m sorry to hear of moms who don’t have the support of other moms or that anyone would reject someone who reaches out. For those of you still feeling a little lost out there, hang in there. You never know where you’re going to meet a kindred spirit mom – maybe at a breastfeeding group, a class you take your baby to, postnatal yoga – it could be anywhere you go with your baby. Good luck!
Looks like Brene Brown is the woman of the hour. I just saw her speak at Blissdom so this post especially spoke to me. I’ve often thought I needed to be more open with other people but it’s not always easy to put yourself out there–I love the idea of giving the listener an indication that what you are about to say is difficult for you, and these are great opening lines. Thank you!
That is GREAT advice, and I’ll probably be using it at some point. Having struggled with infertility (hello, twins!), I feel guilty about saying anything less than happy-happy, upbeat, and glowing. Starting out with “I feel guilty about saying this…” might help me be a little more honest with other moms.
I loved reading your post, and totally related! It takes me a little while to break down those barriers and be my authentic self! I’ll definitely be back to read more.
I wish you guys were nearby. (Anyone live in Reno?) I enjoy your honesty. I’ve been trying to connect with new moms, or anyone really, for some time now. I’m new here and have been moving around a lot in the last three years. I’m away from my core group at home and feel lonely. Especially with all this new baby stuff going on. She’s my first and I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. Talk about being “embarrased to say this … ” I’ve literally told people I don’t know anyone and have asked women to be my friend and have gotten nowhere. It’s much harder than it was in gradeschool! The girls in my prenatal class were born in the year I graduated high school. I did met a new mom on my ward in the hospital who also had a c-section and who is actually older than I. I called her once. She was having trouble breastfeeding. I didn’t want to bug her while she was having problems, but guess I’ll try again to befriend her. You guys helped me realize that people appreciate the ernest approach. Perhaps I’ll have better luck in lactation class. I just ran across this blog tonight and hope I’m not too late to comment on this thread. Wish me luck!