Comments on: Dear Rookie Moms, Should I have a second child?

By: April

April — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 06:15:41 +0000

I am so glad I came across this post. I was in bed unable to sleep because the thoughts of having another child were running around in my head. I got up and typed “should I have a second child”in the search box and here I am. My beautiful daughter is 3 (will be 4 in July) before I was a mother I always said I wanted my children close in age, because I have 3 sisters (we are all 2 1/2 years apart) and they are my best friends. So I alway assumed my children would be the same way. After we had our daughter we decided we were just going to have one. We love being able to spoil her and give her a life my husband and I never had. The past 6 months or so the idea of another one would pop in my mind, but I would talk myself out of it. The past month my daughter has been asking for a sister lol I have tried to explain to her in a way she would understand that we don’t choose if its a boy or girl. So the idea of another one has been eating at me since she has been asking for one. I feel the same way as someone posted above “how could I possibly love another as much as I love her” I’m not thrilled with the thought of being pregnant again and the idea of being pregnant and chasing after a little one really scares me because I had a horrible pregnancy and dangerous labor. But I feel selfish when I think of those reasons to not have another. the comment that probably helped me the most on here was “you won’t regret having another but you might regret not having another one” I don’t want my daughter to feel left out or anything or “less loved” because small babies take a lot of attention. I’m sure she would help me a lot tho and play little mommy. I’m pretty much just talking myself into it as I’m posting this lol you know your child is spoiled when they ask for a sibling and you seriously contemplate giving them one lol so to end my rant it be fun. I think yes maybe our family could use one more little laugh in the house…now off to see what the hubby has to say lol

By: RookieMom Heather

RookieMom Heather — Sun, 14 Oct 2012 00:14:33 +0000

I know that we changed our mind when our youngest got older than three. Crazy how that stuff happens.

By: laurie

laurie — Sat, 13 Oct 2012 05:12:54 +0000

We are waiting until our 2 year old turns 4 before we make a final decision since the doctor recommended we wait on things like getting tubes tied because many people change their mind and want more kids when their child is 2 or 3 ( I suppose since it gets easier). As of now, my daughter fulfills all my dreams of parenthood. I could use a few more hugs and cuddles, but a puppy would be more reliable for that.

I very much wanted a girl, and I got a smart cute kind one that I have fun with, and love like crazy. I think if she weren’t all that I hoped, I might be more inclined to have more. My family feels “complete” as a few of you mentioned.

I have a crazy busy job, still like to go out clubbing with friends, and like to travel. I hated pregnancy and newborn stage. The example families I know with several kids are always stressed and tired. We have no family around to help, and our nanny costs 50,000 dollars a year. I feel like if we want young kids around later we can foster. As of now when I visualize having more I have fear and dread. We’ll see if that’s true when she hits 4, our decision milestone.

By: Cami

Cami — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 05:55:14 +0000

Hello again,
I wanted to leave another comment for everyone who wonders if they’ll “regret not having another.” I have a friend (more like a mentor, really, she’s helped me so much) who only has one child. They did try to have another and it, unfortunately, didn’t work out. But she told me this: She LOVES only having one child. She has never regretted stopping. They have been able to focus completely on giving their son everything he could ever need. Music lessons, vacations, camping trips, dinners at home, family weekends with board games- they know all his needs are met. They can also spend time AWAY from him more easily so that he gets his independent time as well. He is a junior in high school and quite an amazing, well-adjusted guy. He’s always had plenty of kids his age to be around, and doesn’t seem to mind being the only child. They also don’t have to worry about sending more than one kid to college, which is a huge bonus today.
While I was waffling about the decision, this really helped me a lot. Knowing that I wasn’t hurting my son by having him be the only child, knowing that I wouldn’t regret only having one- I needed to hear that. It’s ok to tell everyone when they (constantly!) ask if you’ll do it again that, no, you might not, and you’re happy with that. Don’t pressure yourself into caring for another human being because part of you thinks you SHOULD. Care for the child you have and let yourself be happy that’s where you might stay.
On the other hand (lol)… For me, once I started weaning my son off of breast-feeding- oh man those hormones came crashing down and I desperately wanted another baby, immediately. Ha! I was a crazy person for about 3 months. My husband was clear-headed enough to say we should wait until our son was a little older (fully weaned and maybe even potty trained) before we made any decisions, which was helpful as well. Don’t decide these things when you’re emotional or hormonal. Tell yourself you won’t make a final choice til you’re calm and clear. Now our son is a little over 2, and we’ve decided we’ll start trying after the holiday. I still worry and I still doubt, but my gut tells me I do want more. I’m clear-headed, I can feel what I really want, and I’m ready to make that happy choice. I hope you all get to that point, too no matter which way you choose. Give yourself time, don’t bow to pressure, and wait til that gut feeling is sure. Good luck!

By: momof2

momof2 — Tue, 28 Aug 2012 21:05:57 +0000

It’s absolutely fascinating to read all the viewpoints here! And really reassuring to see I’m not alone in having many similar fears. We’re really struggling with the question of having a third. We have two already–a 13 year boy and a 5 year girl. A little history: I had a very hard time deciding on baby #2. My husband was ready for a second when my son was about 4 or 5, but I desperately wanted to save money for a house, and that was also the time that parenting got SO much easier. Gals, if you’re thinking it’s easier when your kids are 2 already, just wait until they are 4 and you can take them to the coffee shop with you and have a quiet conversation over coffee and hot cocoa! So I was pretty reluctant about baby #2. And in all honesty, I didn’t want another son. I always wanted a daughter, so I had to wait until I felt ready to accept the baby no matter the gender. So that took 7 years. My second pregnancy was not great, but getting the girl of my dreams was amazing. Having a bigger age difference was superb. The kids didn’t fight and parents could divide and conquer. I love dd just as much as I love my son, no more or less, so those fears were unfounded as well. With a boy and girl, we thought we were done, but a few months ago I found out I was pregnant. This was an accident, and I discovered I wasn’t unhappy about it, in fact was quite happy, but then I had a miscarriage. So now the question is whether to try again. We don’t feel a huge NEED to have another, I’m just guessing I will regret not at least trying for a third later in life.

My fears this time around are different from when we were discussing #2. I’m getting closer to 40 and health issues are a real thing. I worry about sticking one child in the middle. My middle sister has always been extremely unhappy about being a middle child and I can kind of see her point–no special attention that the first receives, no babying that the youngest does. I also have regrets about not staying home with my first two kids, even though we are financially in a much better place now because I worked. I don’t know if we could swing living on one salary at this point, so again I’d have the same regrets. And I don’t honestly know how we could afford college for a third child. They say that any baby born today will face a $100K/year tuition rate. So there are all these very good, very logical reasons not to try for another, and not much but a hunch on the flipside.

I guess it’s heartening to see so many people really thinking before leaping. But I also see a lot of us living in fear of the unknown, and lacking in the self-confidence to meet challenges. I wish there were magic answers for all, but peace of mind would be good too. Much luck with your decisions, ladies!

By: Sea

Sea — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 04:17:32 +0000

Hi all – I too, didn’t realize that there were other Moms struggling with the same question. My daughter has just turned 2. My husband and I and mostly everyone in our family has two kids. I always wanted a boy and a girl. He always wanted 3 kids. He wants more than one for a sibling for her. I always thought I wanted a sibling for her – but I am so torn and have been – so on the fence. I have anxiety and depression and did well getting off of my meds to try to conceive the first time – but now we live away from family and friends and my anxiety and depression is strong without my meds – which I am on day two of being off of. I saved all of her baby stuff – always thinking for the next one. – but I’m 37. I fear that it will be too hard with two – my husband works a lot and it is just me and my daughter most of the time. I love her and have fun with her – but it is hard = really hard for me to keep up with the house, and taking care of her even tho we have so much fun together much of the time. She is in the terrible twos – but it also just started getting easier finally! I don’t/never wanted an only child. – but I’m afraid of how hard it could be with two -how much I’ll have to do alone – what if they have special needs. If I ask my daughter she says she wants a baby sister. As an only child till I was 7, I always wanted a brother or sister -and am so glad i have one. Cant imagine not having one even tho we are 7 years apart. My husband is glad he has a brother. So we started trying for number two – but I am so scared to have two!
I wish I knew what to do. My brother and I were both accidents – and my child and second child would both be planned! I wish someone could tell me what to do – But I guess its different for everyone!

By: jennifer

jennifer — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 20:55:11 +0000

hi ladies

I’m sooooo glad I found this page and was able to read all your insightful comments. here is my predicament.

I have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old whom I love with everything I have. I always wanted a little girl and was so surprised when she arrived (as I was convinced I was having a boy)! I never felt I had a close bond with my own mother and so am giving everything I can to my little girl to show her how special she is to me.

Anyway, I waited a long time for my husband to feel “grown up” enough to start a family and am now reaching 40 in a few months. Eek!

I didn’t consider adding to our family until very recently when everyone around me seems to be having baby number two. I seem to constantly get asked whether I might have another and if I hint that we are good as we are right now, they say “but wouldn’t it be great to have a sibling for her”. I’m finding it really tough hearing this as it has really started to play on my mind and I DO feel incredibly guilty that I’m not giving her a sibling, especially as she loves to play with other children. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty as it’s what my husband and I want that counts but still, I cant help but feel guilty…I’m obsessing about it now.

I’m fearful and scared to have another baby for the following reasons:
My age (supposedly more complications and risks in older pregnant women); The likely negative impact on my relationship with my husband (he’s not been as interested in our daughter really until she became a toddler and I do absolutely everything for her. He’s a complex character and we had some bumps in our marriage in the first months after my daughters birth); Finances going forward (we are comfortable right now but we don’t have a huge salary coming in); My own tolerance levels looking after a toddler and newborn (I can be prone to getting and feeling very impatient and emotional through difficult times, though never directed or in front of my daughter, I vent it out away from her);

Until recently my view of our family was always the three of us. we are at a stage now where things are settling and I get time to myself (and with my husband) in the evenings after she goes to bed and he loves spending time with her now she’s that bit older. I see my close girlfriends struggling to manage their older child’s daytime activities around the newborns napping and feeding schedules and feel grateful to have some consistency at present.

But then I hold a friends newborn and feel this overwhelming desire to be pregnant again! To see what we could “make” second time round. To not feel that I would have regrets later down the line not having tried for no. 2. I had a great pregnancy first time and loved “growing” a baby and nurturing my newborn into the big world. But I had all the time and energy in the world to devote to her as my first baby. it would be a hard juggling act for me personally to manage two…

But even before we get pregnant, I haven’t even asked him yet if he wants a second child as I’m afraid that he will say no and I will resent him which will eat away at me and the stability of our relationship……

I think in my heart of hearts, whilst reading all these other posts and writing my own, the answer has been apparent to me, but if faced with the question “if it just happened that you fell pregnant again (unplanned), how would you feel? My answer would be “overjoyed”!! So there lies my dilemma!!

By: JAMIELEE

JAMIELEE — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 17:58:19 +0000

I am so glad i found this site. I felt like i was the only one that was having so much trouble deciding on whether or not to have another baby. I relate so much with everyones comment except for one thing. I have a 2 year old son and i also have two step children ages 5 and 8. so my dilemma is does my son have the best of both worlds where as he’s an only child except for every other weekend when he has two siblings. although it seems like he would be missing out on a full blooded sibling that would grow up with him and have the same experiences growing up. any thoughts on this?? thanks

By: Mimi

Mimi — Mon, 21 May 2012 01:43:27 +0000

I wrote a few weeks ago here undecided if I wanted to have another baby. Well, I wanted to write again and tell everyone that my husband and I decided not too and once we’ve made that decision, I’ve been feeling a lot better. Being undecided drove me nuts! We based our decision on several reasons, one being financial reasons. Although I’m sure we would have been able to work it out but day-care around here are about $800 a month!! We also don’t have the family support we use to have. It’ll be difficult for my in-laws to take care of two kids compared to my son (who’s five already) and I can’t count on my family. Another topic my husband and I spoke about, was the fact that we were only together for six months before we got married and got pregnant. We didn’t get to enjoy each other company much and now that my son is five years old, it’s much easier for us three to go on vacations, go to the movies, eat out or sleep-in

To keep our son company, we got him a puppy. Our puppy doesn’t grow much, she’s easy to train and we take on our vacations. Sometimes they play around so much, it feels like we have two kids but I’m happy they keep each other entertained and that they’re growing together.

I wish everyone the best with the decisions they make – God Bless!!!

By: TJ

TJ — Tue, 15 May 2012 17:27:10 +0000

I too am currently struggling with this issue. My situation is a little different. I never wanted kids, never had any desire to have any. Was happily married for 8 years, had a dog and a house. Then on my 40th birthday, starting thinking about what life was really all about – wasn’t there more than going to work every day and coming home and watching TV every night. Started regretting decision not to have children and assumed it was too late. Well, it wasn’t too late, my husband was on-board and things happened pretty fast. Our daughter is 3 now. I had a complicated pregnancy (3 months bed rest) and did not deal well with the infant year. Was absolutely positive I didn’t want any more. Now my daughter is the love of my life and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. After giving away all the baby stuff (some as recently as last month), I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling that I wanted another. But, as Wendy on April 6, 2012 said, I’m afraid of messing up a wonderful situation between my husband, daughter and I. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m almost 45 and would have added risks. I feel like I would be ruining this special bond I have with my daughter. But I also wonder, on the flip side, if I could be even happier with a second. I’m tending to think that if I’m asking myself this question, I might regret not having another the way I regretted not having any kids in the first place when I turned 40. But I also don’t buy into the argument that you only regret the kids you don’t have. I fear having another and regretting the more simple life with just one, wishing we could go on vacations, or wishing I could focus my attention on my daughter the way I used to. Its a difficult decision….

By: Mimi

Mimi — Sat, 12 May 2012 04:01:55 +0000

Hi everyone, I was searching online, trying to see if I can decided if I want another child. Reading other mommies comments and I relate to most of them. I have an amazing 5 year old son. My DH and I decided to have another baby when he was 3 years old so he can have a sibiling however for two years I couldn’t get pregnant. Right when we decided to quit, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and I lost the baby (the heart stop). This happened last week, we are still coping. It’s so hard because we found out it was a girl too! My husband would have been super happy having a little girl around. Now I don’t know if we should try again, we do feel a lot of pressure from friends and family. I do feel my family is complete, we’re happy and very blessed. Because of my age, I’m 38 (will be 39 soon), there are a lot of risk involved and I don’t know if we should risk it. I also worry about spending less time wth my husband since things are so easy now. I also worry about day care costs. One comment a mommy said was “what if you regret not having a second baby”. Well what happens if you bring a baby into this world with special needs, it will be rough for all of us. I don’t know, I’m really confused.

By: wendy

wendy — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 19:03:02 +0000

i know i’m a little late joining the conversation. i really appreciate hearing everyone’s thoughts. i wish i had an opinion of my own strong enough to share with you all. thus, the problem…i’m waffling. i’ve been waffling for years now. literally. one moment, i’m ready to make the risk and go for #2, the next moment, i decide our family is perfectly complete or i’m paralyzed with fear at the thought of upsetting the balance we’re trying to maintain. i think FEAR is the real thing holding me back. i have a spunky (read: strong-willed!) 2 1/2 yr. old girl and am struggling with whether to have another child. i’m one of 4 girls in my family and my husband is one of 5. our siblings are incredibly important to us. my parents died several years ago (in their 50′s) and i cannot imagine having gone through this experience alone. some moments, i really do feel like our family is complete as is…we’re financially stable, our daughter is in a routine in her preschool (i work full-time), we’ve got a good groove going. not that it’s easy all the time, especially with her temper and strong-willed nature. my relationship with my husband is strained over our different parenting styles….but we really do have a pretty good thing going. we are blessed. and i think WHY would be possibly risk having another child and having to readjust to a whole new set of challenges and adjustments?? great question. i’m not sure why but i cannot get the thought out of my head. i’m quite obsessed with the idea of having another baby. i think about it all the time. i’m not sure if i just need to accept that our family is complete, grieve the loss of her baby-hood, and move on, or if this overwhelming anxiety and obsession means i really DO want another child!?? i mentioned that i’m fearful….fearful that some thing will be wrong with the new baby (i’m almost 40), fearful that it will be even more stress on our family, financially, emotionally and otherwise, ugh. it’s tough. a much tougher decision than i ever thought it would be. it doesn’t help that i feel like a clock is ticking……i’m getting old!