Hi there readers, this is an actual letter we received. And the actual response I sent back. Did I give crappy advice? Tell me in the comments. Care to send us your own question? Feel free!
Dear Rookie Moms,
I really enjoyed your little video of the 4 women wrestling with the decision of whether or not to have another kid. I’m 35, married for almost 10 years and my husband and I go back and forth about if we should have A kid. Not another, just one. We can see the glass empty and full with both options. Do you have any resources for couples grappling with this decision. I just feel kind of alone, there’s really nothing out there for couples trying to make a decision. Which I suppose is just how it is. I’m fully aware that it is in the end our decision, but it would be nice to have one blog or book for some other opinions.~ Lisa in Oregon
Hi Lisa,
A few years ago, I ran across a blog/wiki that some people started to lay out the pros and cons of having a kid; I had hoped to link to it, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I used to not understand what it was like to be in your shoes and to totally “not know.” One of my very good friends was in a similar boat as yours (and I’d be happy to put you in touch); they married on the young side and just didn’t know. Year after year, they’d put off the deciding about whether or not they’d have kids. At some point, they did decide to and now they have a one year old.
I just did a quick google search and didn’t really find anything that was decent. Here are some of my thoughts and experiences:
For us, we already knew we wanted kids. And our first son came as a surprise, so we didn’t even have the luxury of deliberating our decision or kicking around the whens and whys of it. In hindsight, that may have been a good thing for us. We just had to roll with it. After the first one — and I’m not gonna sugarcoat it — was so hard and knocked us on our asses, we wanted to hurry up and have another before chickening out. For us, that all made sense. And, you can make up your mind all you want to but God/Mother Nature can have totally different plans. Anyway, that’s a long way of sharing our own journey that brings me to where I’m just not sure… we go back and forth. With the recession, joblessness looming, and a huge remodel, our talks kinda went on hold. I think we’re actually both leaning toward the idea, but just not yet.
So, blah blah blah… what I can say is that having a baby will change your life. Do you want your life to change? Do you want to have a little person in your home? Do you notice yourself having baby fever or staring a little too long when you see one passing you by on the sidewalk? Do you want to have a child in your home in a couple years? Do you want to have a teenager around soon after that? Do you imagine that when you’re an old couple that you’ll have older children to come around once in a while and fill your house with noise, chaos, and laughter? If you think YES, then you probably ought to go for it. If you and your husband disagree, then you probably want to wait.
If instead, you really want to be able to travel, eat out, wear fancy clothes, go to rock concerts at the drop of a hat (or hiking, horseback riding, whatever you’re into), and never adjust your career or your standard of living to the needs of a child… you might be perfectly happy and fulfilled not going down that path.
I do think that too much research or too much information might not help matters. I see another one of my best friends — who has long wanted to be a mother — basically freaking out because she sees her friends go through it and gets spooked. I tell her that it will all work out (because it always does) and that there will be bumps but she has a great support system to help her.
You could try the Dr. Phil method of pretend for one week that you definitely definitely want a child and then a second week where you definitely definitely don’t want children and see which feels more natural.
It also helps if you have an excellent relationship with your husband already. And if you’re both more-or-less on the same page with the decision.
If you choose to have a baby, it will be hard at times and wonderful at times… and eventually, you won’t be able to imagine your life any other way.
If you choose not to have a baby, you may also have an amazingly full life with family and friends and hobbies and a flat stomach.
Good luck!
Heather
Wow, great thoughts. I’ll go ahead and add my two cents. My husband and I didn’t come to find ourselves *really* wanting a baby or anything, but the way we arrived at the decision was thinking, “Okay, in ten, twenty, thirty years, what will we have wanted to have done?” We both saw ourselves regretting not having kids if we didn’t, so when we became more financially stable, and felt that our relationship was pretty stable, we went for it, and I think we made the right decision. (The little guy is a little over a year old, and #2 will be along in January.)
I liked the part where you talked about the future. So many people don’t want to have a baby, but they do want to have grown kids in their future. I would also add that some people who wait to long (not to put undue pressure on anyone, really) finally decide they want kids and then find out it might take more than one try. Then again, I know people who waited and it did just take one try! I think since I’ve had trouble myself getting pregnant I just like to be honest w/people and tell them that the longer you wait it gets more complicated. That’s my opinion anyway…I also liked how you talked about having a strong relationship w/your husband or partner. That’s important for a child to know that both parents are invested in the family relationships =) I agree that your life will change! Since I wanted and have kids, I say it’s for the better. I pray the letter writer has lots of support no matter what decision she makes! Thanks for sharing the letter and your response…
When we were discussing having our first child, we thought about if we’d have regrets either way. We weren’t sure, but thought that we MIGHT regret NOT having kids. We were also sure that we wouldn’t regret having them in the long run, although there may be some sucky parts along the way (hello, lack of sleep). That made our decision pretty easy.
My husband and I didn’t think we could have children, so we said, repeatedly, that we didn’t want them. And I’ve never been 100% sure that he really desperately wanted them like I did, but at the point that even I’d given up, I turned up pregnant with our first. The second was quite a bit easier (though took several tries, anyway), but her delivery was so much harder. I’m glad there are two of them and hope that they have the relationship that I wish I had with my sibling.
Heather, I agree with the advice you gave. I especially like the idea of imagining what your life will be like in 30 years and the Dr. Phil scenarios.
On the flip side, I would ask “what selfish reasons might you have for wanting a child, if any?” And, “Are you ready for sacrifices and selflessness?” I’ve seen too many people (very close to me) have a child to satisfy their own dysfunction and neediness. It’s sad.
Good advice! I do have something I would have added. I have several friends in their 30s trying to have kids right now after waiting a decade for life to balance out, etc. But, they are all having trouble-having been on horse hormones for over a third of their lives- and totally stressing out about not being able to get pregnant. It’s definitely a friendship strain when we just had our first surprise baby.
My advice would be to think about it as much as you want, but in the meantime-go get a well woman checkup and whatever the male equivalent is! That way, if something’s up, and you’re not fertile-you’re at least not too tied to the idea. It can be a hard let down to wait and wait, then try and try and not be able to
I’ll add my thoughts as a new single mom. I have always been satisfied with spending more time on my career and having fun (and lots of disposable income!). I starting thinking about a family a few years ago, but mostly pushed the thoughts aside to work on my career and maybe a long-term relationship. Long story short I got pregnant last July (a surprise and realization that not all protection is 100% effective). I spent a few days alone thinking about things and then called a trusted friend. She asked me to set all my worries, concerns, and thoughts aside and then asked a simple, yet profound question “How would it feel to be the mother of this child?” I felt this light and love pour through my heart and body and there was no doubt in my body or mind that being a mother was my path. I totally agree with Heather to not do too much research. I am such a logical “brain” based decision maker I usually squash my emotions. I am finding that listening and trusting my little voice is most aligned with what I truly want (despite what my brain tries to tell me!). Yes, it is hard. No, you will never have the same life again. If parenthood is for you, these things will not matter. Just my experience and thoughts…
We had twins last fall after 4-1/2 years of trying. I am 39. For so long we wanted to have kids but couldn’t…and then we got on the infertility treatment track, and after so much time and effort and MONEY, we finally got pregnant. I love my babies more than anything, and I have zero regrets, BUT…I also had ZERO idea how much my life would change. Some of it is for the better, some of it is for the worse. My marriage has been tested, I am exhausted, we don’t have the expendable income we used to have, we have no time to do the things that we like to do (if we happened to have the energy with which to do them) and I am 40 pounds overweight.
Like I said, I wouldn’t change anything, and I know this is all just temporary, but if you like your life now, and really aren’t sure you want an 18-year (plus) commitment like being a parent and making endless sacrifices, you’re doing the right thing to think long and hard about it.
My husband and I have a different situation. I’m in my mid-twenties and have been married for 2 years. I am more than ready to start a family but my husband doesn’t know if he ever wants to. Does anyone have any advice on how we should approach this situation?
Lisa,
Not many old dudes log into Rookie Moms, but since one of my kids is one of the Rooks I check in from time to time.
Nothing in my life has given me more joy than my three kids. Yes, its been the best of times and the worst of times, and I agree with other respondents who say I could have had more toys and more time for myself. However, its the people in your life who really count not the things you have.
Now I have two of the greatest grandkids a grandpa could have. The circle of life is what it’s all about. I say, if it’s people you care about, jump in. It’s a lot of hard work and sacrifice but the joy is without equal.
Good Luck,
Grandpa Rick
In case anyone was wondering if my dad’s comment made me cry, it did.
And your comment made me teary eyed. Thank you.
Think long and hard. I had my first and only when I was 41. My husband and I were in a financial position where we could literally do anything.. Fly to Paris for the weekend, golf at Pebble beach etc… I also had a very big network of friends where in an hours notice I could be meeting for drinks or a nice dinner. I loved my life before baby, and I love my life after baby, but the world that had defined me, was gone, and I am struggling to find a new definition in my life other than just “mom”.
Mel, I’m curious. When you say “think long and hard” what do you propose we think *about*? I’m also wondering how old your baby is. Redefining and new and good (better?) normal after the child enters your life is what we were thinking about when we started this site. Good luck!
RookieMom Heather
Think about the original question: Should I/do I want to have a baby. Everybody says your life will change forever, but advice like that is easy to come by. You need to “think about” all the things that you take for granted, and realize that pretty much every single one of those “things” will be put on hold for several years. Having children isn’t only 3AM feedings and sleep deprivation. If this website only wants to talk bout the obvious duties of motherhood and only hear the squeaky clean, holier than thou versions, then I guess this site is not for me. Having babies isn’t all pink and blue and marshmallow fluff.
I guess the only thing I have to add is that having a child is not something you really do for “yourself” I mean, you are basically giving up a lot of your own life to create and nurture a new life. This is not a bad thing and actually makes you grow a lot as a person, but it is certainly not easy for most of us.
It irks me a bit when people think of children only in terms of what the child will bring to their lives… like having a child will fulfill their lives completely. But you can’t go into any relationship with those expectations. You have to go into it with a mindset of what you have to give not what you have to gain.
I guess my advice is that if you are that much on the fence, maybe you are not doing it because you really want children but rather because you feel your time to make that decision is running out.
Good luck whatever you choose!
Good points. My man & I are still a ways off from being married [newly engaged] and definitely don’t want kids now. Whether we want them in the future? Time will tell! ;p
I can’t imagine my life without my son. Its awesome knowing that I get to share a piece of myself with him.
When you have a baby you don’t just become MOM – you are now MOM and WIFE. You can still take that vacation to Paris – you might just have to alter it a bit to fit the baby in there too. My husband and I just recently took a week vacation for our anniversary to the East Coast with our at the time 6 month old son – i know it’s not Paris but it was still awesome – We still had a romantic dinner (planned it around the little one’s bed time) at a nice restaurant and a beautiful nighttime walk. Babies do change your life and if your husbands going to be 100% (or even 90%) with you and helping you when you have kids – you won’t notice a strain on your relationship because you will still be doing everything together – If its because your not sure you know how to be a mom or dad – it will come to you – mothering is pretty natural for most and if not – that’s what a support system is for.
You have to be able to give all of yourself to your child while at the same time being there for your husband – and the same goes for him. When you lose the balance – you get overwhelmed and lose who you are – Your life won’t just happen for you – you have to MAKE time for the things you love and the people you love. Its takes EFFORT – mother nature won’t do that for you.
I hope all these good tips from others have helped you and that deciding to have or not to have a baby comes a little easier for you. Good Luck
p.s. – Heather I thought you gave great advice!!
Embrace the fact that there really is no right answer to this one. I wish I had better advice to give, but I don’t. I have been in your shoes, however:
http://www.tootoomama.com/2010/06/13/to-breed-or-not-to-breed-that-was-the-question/
Perhaps my ramblings will help.
My husband and I also wondered if we should have kids or not. We were perfectly happy with out kids. I’m also not a big baby/toddler fan but enjoy older kids. However, when we pictured growing old with no kids and grandkids, it made us sad. So, we took the plunge and have two kids. Of course we are madly in love with them and have no regrets. But, I’m very much looking forward to the end of the baby/toddler phase, lol! While I still miss much of my prior life and even though I think I’d have been happy if I hadn’t had kids, I’m happy with my decision.
I think you gave a good answer. The 30 year “test” is a good way to think about it. Babies, toddlers and even childhood is so short compared to the 40 years of your kids adult life that you will (hopefully) get to enjoy!!
I would say that you should absolutely have kids. My wife and I have been considering having children for a while now and we have decided that we really do want to start a family. I thought I’d post on a few sites that asked the same questions we’ve been asking ourselves in the hopes that someone will find it useful.
In talking with people (both those with and without kids) two things really struck us:
1. Literally every person who had children said that it was the best thing they had ever done. It was repeatedly described as “a lot of work” but also as “the most amazing experience” and “the best decision” that they ever made. Apparently there must be some truth to that because most of the people we talked to that only had one or two children were planning on having more.
2. The biggest regret among (most) people who were past the age that they could have children was that they hadn’t had kids (or in some case that they hadn’t had more kids).
Something that one of my cousins said really stands out in my mind as well. He and his wife recently had their first baby and I asked him wasn’t he scared to have someone else who would depend on you for everything. He said of course he was scared, everyone is. He also said that there is never a perfect time to do anything in life. You always want to take just one more trip, or get one more raise at work, or get a bigger house, or fill in the blank. He said if you wait for everything to be perfect it will never happen and you will miss out on the best experiences that life has to offer.
We’ve decided that being able to share our lives and love with children would be too wonderful of an experience to pass up. Although we know it will be tough sometimes having everyone say they are glad they had children is a pretty good indication that the good times will outweigh the bad.
Also from a more egalitarian perspective the world could always use more good people in it and I’d say that anyone who has stopped to consider if they should have kids is well on their way to becoming a good parent and thus hopefully raising a good kid.
Hope this helps a little and good luck with your decision.
Josh
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