Five years ago, I received two incredible emails on the same day, both from men whose wives are my friends, describing the surprising delivery stories of their children who were born the day before. Last month, we shared one of them: Sabine’s birth story, which took place just outside the doors of the hospital. I think when you read the second, Glenn’s experience of his son Levi’s birth, you’ll agree that little Sabine and little Levi may be soul mates.

Here’s the email Glenn sent:

Hi All,

Shayna and I are blessed to announce the birth of our son, Levi. Mother and baby are doing great. Father is still in shock. Under ordinary circumstances, I would probably not offer details of our baby’s birth experience; but this story is kinda remarkable.

On Friday afternoon at 3:00 PM, we had a weekly appointment with our midwives in Las Cruces. As Shayna’s due date was November 16, we were hoping this would be our last check-in before delivery. In passing, I commented to Shayna that it would be easier for all of us if she just gave birth right then and there to save us another trip to Las Cruces, which is 77 miles from our house in Truth in Consequences. Our birth plan had been to labor in T or C and then drive to Las Cruces to have a home birth at our Midwife’s house. Turns out my tongue-in-cheek comment was quite prescient.

Many of you are aware that this pregnancy had not been an easy one. Actually, that’s an understatement – it’s been awful. Shayna was in the unlucky 1-2% of women who experience extreme nausea and vomiting throughout the pregnancy. At the beginning, it wasn’t uncommon for Shayna to throw up 15-20 times per day. She was even hospitalized one time when the puking got totally out of control. Over the past few months, it’s gotten a little better – but she was still throwing up every single day.

So, the appointment on Friday went well, Shayna was 3 centimeters dilated – which is in indication that things are in process, but not imminent. We left Las Cruces at around 6:00 to attend a friend’s 40th birthday party back in T or C; we had a great time and left the party around 9:00. We played some backgammon and then went to sleep.

At around midnight, Shayna experienced her first real contraction…then she threw up. 20 minutes later another contraction and she threw up again. Once more 20 minutes after that. This brought us to around 1:00 AM and we were getting concerned that Shayna was entering into one of her out-of-control situations and I thought she may need an IV. I called the midwives to give them an update and they told me that labor for first-time mothers can last up to 72 hours and that we should start to pay closer attention when she has 2-3 contractions in a 10 minute interval lasting for 1 hour. This is called “active labor”. I hung up the phone, gave Shayna the update, and grabbed a pad to document the contraction pattern. I gave her some medicine to treat the nausea and that’s when the fun began.

The contractions intensified immediately, lasting for a minute each and occurring every 3 minutes. After an hour of increasing discomfort, it was time to call the midwives again. They confirmed that against the odds we had skipped the entire first phase of labor and were already in the active stage. We were thinking it was time to get in the car to start the journey to Las Cruces but the midwives assured us that active labor for first-time mothers usually lasts at least 6 hours so we had plenty of time to pack our bags and hit the road.

At this point, with the contractions still intensifying, we made the call to play it safe and leave immediately. It’s now 3:00AM.

It was a typical New Mexico night with a pitch black, starry sky. I was driving our Subaru Forrester, Shayna was in the back seat. In order to minimize the pain of the contractions, Shayna negotiated herself into a downward dog-like posture with her face buried in some pillows to muffle her screams. Around 20 minutes into the ride, her water broke and the contractions had taken on a new dimension of intensity. It felt to Shayna like the baby was coming.

I called the midwife again to let her know the update and she heard Shayna’s screams. Though she tried to assure me that we’d have plenty of time to make it to her house, something in her voice made me realize I better drive faster. So, now I’m driving 100 MPH and the midwife requested that we stay on the phone – another indication that we were farther along than we hoped. The midwife and I were calculating whether it made sense for her to meet us on the road or for us to keep driving. In agony, Shayna instructed me to keep driving. The midwives, Shayna and I all knew that this was now a race against time.

As many of you know, we live deep in the New Mexico desert – it would be fair to say we live in the middle of nowhere. So, the drive from T or C to Las Cruces brings us into the middle of the middle of nowhere. Cell phone reception on Highway 25 is spotty at best and we ALWAYS experience dropped calls on this ride. I was petrified that my call with the midwife was going to drop and that Shayna may really have the baby in the car. At this point, I asked the midwife what to do if the baby came, and she told me that wasn’t going to happen, but if it did, just wrap a blanket around him and keep driving.

Now, at this time, what I think is one of the most amazing parts of the story happened. Amidst the absurdity of Shayna in the final stages of the final stage of labor, still driving 100 MPH and still 15 minutes from Las Cruces, I look up in the sky and see the most beautiful shooting star I have ever seen. This wasn’t a faint shooting star that disappears after a fraction of a second. This looked more like a comet and it was as if time stood still. At this point I knew 2 things: the baby was about to be born and that everything was going to be OK.

Five minutes later, near the off-ramp of the US70 exit, Shayna could not longer keep him in. Still on the phone with the midwife, after the mother-of-all-contractions, I heard the cry of a baby. Shayna and I were both hysterical as we finally pulled into the driveway where we were met by our 3 midwives. One went right to the baby, one went immediately to Shayna and one enveloped me with the mother-of-all-hugs. I cut the cord and baby was detached from momma. As I said above, mother and baby are doing great. I am still in shock.

We named him Levi Akasha after 3 grandparents who are no longer with us.

This experience, once again, reinforces my sense of wonder and admiration of Shayna’s beauty, strength, determination, focus and resolve. She is the love of my life.

Levi weighed 6 lbs and 4 ounces at birth. He was 18.5 inches long. He is absolutely gorgeous. The buzz is that he looks just like me.

Glenn

Thank you, Glenn and Shayna, for sharing your amazing story! My dear readers, are you guys feeling as weepy as I do every time I read this?

Dear Rookie Moms,

My twin boys will be just under 2.5 when number 3 arrives, and because we walk most everywhere I am hoping to find some kind of stroller situation to accommodate everyone and I am stumped! Any suggestions would be so appreciated!

Best,
Jaime

What words of wisdom do you guys have for Jaime?

photo: Joovy Big Caboose Stand-On Triple Stroller/Amazon

We received this letter and thought our readers could extend some empathy and perspective to “Kate”, who is having trouble deciding if another child is in the cards for her and her husband. I wrote her a note below, but I hope you’ll respond as well.

Dear Rookie Moms,

My little girl is turning two this month and I’m starting to process the idea of having a second child, but not feeling like I come to any good conclusion about what to do. Growing up I always assumed I’d have two kids. I held onto that thought until I gave birth. Then, my immediate reaction was, “No way am I ever doing that again!” That feeling has faded, but the challenges of juggling work, home, parenting, marriage, friendships and family relationships has not. Some days I feel like we get through better than okay and have a great time. Other days I want to walk out the door and never return.

So, I find myself wondering the following: Can I handle having a second child and stay sane and like my life? And, how do I make that decision?

Any input from other moms on how you made the decision to have or not have more kids would be very welcome!

Thanks,

Kate

Dear Kate,

“Will I like my life?” is a powerful and important question.

Although I personally felt no hesitation in having a second child, I have absolute respect and understanding of why you do. (P.S. I was totally compensating for being an only child myself, so my motivation was transparent and unwavering.)

I know that Heather waffled for a long time on a third child and made a pros and cons list in addition to using a Dr. Phil-inspired exercise of embracing the intention NOT TO for one week and seeing how that feels… and then the following week, embracing the intention to GO FOR IT to see how that feels. I think that means saying things to yourself like, “When the baby comes, we’ll move near my mother/buy a ski house/work an extra job” or “When Eve goes to elementary school, I’ll invest in my brother’s company/get a dog to keep me company/plan to spend summers in Europe.”

I would also think about what each unit of five years might look like with or without another child – the under 5 years, elementary school, high school, college – because it’s easy to focus on having another “baby” and forget that you’re signing on for another person in your family.

Other questions to ask yourself: How will you feel if you were surprised by a pregnancy? What advice would you give to someone else who asked you, “Should I have a baby at all?”

Cheering you on,

Whitney

We would love to hear from other women who planned their childbearing thoughtfully and what swayed you to have a second child.

Dear Rookie Moms readers,

Hey, you guys! We need some help with this letter. Actually it was a comment on our post 2 in a room (or not). Please read and share your best advice for squeezing three little kids in one room (or not!) in the comments. We thank you and Amanda thanks you!

ohdeedoh solution to many kids in one room

We live in a 2 bedroom house and my 2 kids, 3 year old daughter and 15 month old son have always shared a room. He was 2 months old and sleeping through the night so we decided to try and have him sleep in the same room as his sister. I couldn’t believe how well my daughter adjusted! She is a very sound sleeper and still sleeps through his crying. The odd night he still wakes up.

Our problem now is we are expecting the unplanned 3rd child. LOL. We are not sure if we should set up a crib in our room or try to make room in the kids’ room. My 2 kids get along great and play a lot in their room. If I were to put a crib in there, they would lose a lot of space.

We are firm believers on the kids sleeping in their own room once they sleep through the night, but due to lack of space we are not sure what to do. We have thought about a bunk bed but I am worried that my daughter is to young for the top bunk. She will be 4 months shy of 4 years old when the baby arrives. She also has a nice twin bed with drawers under it so I didn’t have to take up room with a large dresser.

Not too sure what to do and would love some input!

~ Amanda

Christine from the Aums Blog shared these pictures of squeezing her four little ones (age 1 to 6) in a single room with room to play in the loft. She says they used “custom made Japanese futons for our 4 kids. We’ve tried beds and mattresses before… but this is what works for now. They picked their own colors, blankets, pillows…They are 6, 5, 3, and 1″!

Christine's real-life solution, the futons

The children's lofted playspace

The always fabulous ohdeedoh.com makes it look oh-so-easy and chic to squeeze four in a room this minimalist solution (shown up top). Wish I had the wall space to entertain that idea!

Do you fit three or more little kids in one room? If so, how?

Dear Rookie Moms,

I have had 4 glorious months of maternity leave and am returning to full-time work in the first week of January. We have child care arranged and a steadily growing stash of pumped milk in the freezer.

I would love to know what other rookie (and veteran!) moms did to ease back into the working world. Feeling really sad that this time with my daughter is almost over, and guilty that I won’t be with her everyday.

Thank you!
Sierra

Hi Sierra,
I feel you. We both returned to work around the same time as you, and it was not easy. Studies do show that your baby will be fine, and thrive, as long as she is well cared for but your guilt is another matter. The first two weeks are especially challenging while you find your new groove and try not to lactate at work every time someone asks you casually, “how’s motherhood?” or something else impossible to answer. I’d love to open it up to our community for tips and tricks for you as well. [See below!]

Even after doing it for a while now, I do not know how people eat dinner with two working parents. It’s a constant source of amazement to me. I dedicated a section of our site to work/life (as in balance but more like juggling) and also getting dinner on the table FAST.

Hang in there,
Heather

We got a ton of helpful suggestions from our virtual community on facebook and twitter. Thanks, ladies! Here are several favorites:
Set some boundaries

• @beeteljooz: Focus on work while there. Leave work at workplace, go home and enjoy baby! Only your children and your husband will remember time missed with you. Learn to say no! Let dad and grandparents help Take time out for yourself. The old saying goes: If mom ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
• @civil3diva: Own your decisions. If something is making you feel guilty, chances are you need to change. Be brave, do what you know is right!

Master the logistics

• @beeteljooz: Use a crockpot for meals. Throw one more load of clothes in washer before leaving for work and one before going to bed at night. Keep two diaper bags ready to go to save on time when you are in a rush.
• @esanchez6 Lay out as much as you can the night before, maybe even try to prepare bottles for night feedings.
• @HowVeryGranola: Exercise after baby goes to sleep, find another mom to talk with, journal/blog, breathe, get a crockpot, accept the messy house. If you can, get a housekeeper to come 1-2x per month. Not as expensive as you might think.
• @meetmoe: Mostly know that it’s HARD and it’s OKAY and let go of perfection.

Ride the emotional roller coaster

• @HotMessMommy: Returning to work is hard and no one will truly understand how you feel about it. It’s so personal.
• @Beckytwogirls: Be prepared to want to call the day care provider all day. If you have a good provider, she’ll indulge you a little.
• @hikerkira: I found that having too many pics of my baby was distracting and made me miss him even more.
• @lizzieoeltjen: I set aside time each week for mommy time with kiddo, no exceptions. Let the dishes sit in sink and make time for play.
• @HBWMoms: Get a routine every morning that’s special just for you and your baby. Mine was an eskimo kiss and 3 hugs and then let go =)
• @lesleytweeters: Don’t beat yourself up if you quit cloth diapering! [or any of the other things that you need to let slide]
• @abourland: Don’t let stay at home moms get you down or make you feel like you are doing something wrong by going to work. [ahh yes, the proverbial mommy wars]
• @maggieKTVB7: Know that the tears will pass! It takes a few days though. Soon, you get in a routine and baby does too.

Sierra, after you get in the groove, please share some of your tips back with us! Good luck.
And readers, we’re always open to your tips. Please add to the list!

[photo via flickr by Hammer51012]

My friend Deborah, who works full time in the San Francisco area, was ready to kiss her pumping days bye bye. As a dutiful pumper, she had amassed a tremendous supply of breast milk in her freezer and had not yet spent her hard-earned money on formula. She asked how to introduce it to her 8-month old baby. She also wondered “Is it possible to keep nursing when I am no longer pumping?”

Dear Deb,
Congrats on your most excellent nursing and pumping success.

I’ll answer the second question first, based on personal experience: You can keep nursing as long as you want. Probably. I nursed my kids just twice per day – morning and night – for MONTHS. Like 5 months!  Seriously, they were walking (!) and only nursed for bedtime and wake up. Finally for the last month (around 15 months old) it was just morning.

I was also a very very slow weaner, dropping one feeding/pumping per month.  I started with dropping the pumping sessions because to be liberated from the pump was my key objective! That machine is both the savior and the hell of a working nursing mother.

Then again, some babies have different agendas around 8 months and decide that the world is too interesting to bother with nursing. My friend Erin experienced this with both of her children right around the same time. She spent weeks trying to get them back on the boob, without success. They loved their bottles and never looked back!

Here are a few options for introducing formula:

1) Slowly: mix it properly first, and then do a cocktail of 25% formula 75% breastmilk. If she goes for it, after a few feedings, go to 50/50. If that mixture is not rejected, you’re good to go!

2) Quickly: simply offer a bottle of formula and see how it goes. Plenty of kids have enjoyed it for years and yours might be one of them. If not, consider option #1 or option #3.

3) As a side dish: Use formula in her cereal to make the taste familiar. Add a bit to any pureed food to dilute it.

Let’s also ask the crowd: was this an issue for you? Did your baby have a hard time with formula or no problem at all? My own kids refused bottles completely, so that’s a whole other issue!

Gina Osher, aka The Twin Coach, shares this lesson about confidence for new moms.

Many women are overwhelmed by parenthood; mothers of multiples are sometimes even more so. After our twins were born, I found myself so afraid to fail at any aspect of motherhood that I simply chose to run from it.  I avoided the fear of not knowing what the heck I was doing with our two infants by hiring a pair of doulas. For almost 4 weeks I had constant companionship and help from these two women. On the surface I seemed secure and confident in many areas, but I was terribly afraid to be left alone with our children. I couldn’t figure out how, for the life of me, I was going to do something as complicated as tandem breastfeed without help or, God forbid, leave the house with both children on my own!

Once again, I dodged that bullet by hiring a nanny before our doulas’ last day of work. Being still quite unsure of my own skills as a mother, I ended up hiring someone who took advantage of that.  Within a very short time she was taking the babies out without me for long periods of time, saying that I needed rest, which I did, but this also left me feeling totally disconnected from being a mother to my own babies. My fear of not being a good enough mom had me paralyzed. After a few months of this, we found out our nanny had been lying to us about many things and we fired her abruptly. Not only did we not have a nanny to take her place, but we were so gun-shy after the betrayal that I couldn’t see myself being able to trust another stranger with our children.

So now, here I was, alone with two 7-month old babies, no real experience being alone with them and no option but to sink or swim. I had never been out of the house with the two of them on my own and I knew I had to figure out how to do it and fast. Sometimes it requires having your back up against the wall to push yourself to do the things you’re afraid of.

I tackled my biggest challenge – taking both babies outside, unassisted – and started out small. Each little accomplishment felt like a celebratory moment: “I got both kids out of our second-story duplex with all of their gear and buckled into the car”! “I figured out that you can push two of those Step 2 push buggies side by side really easily”! “I took the kids grocery shopping on my own”! The more I did, the more confident I got. Even better than that, the more confident I got the more connected I became, both to my children and to my natural instincts as a mother. I began to understand my children’s moods and gestures; I was able to respond and give them what they needed. To my amazement, I watched our children thrive and change within days of being alone with me. All of my fears had actually boiled down to one: the thought that I wasn’t up to this job as mom of twins. But once I was forced to confront that fear, I saw that not only was I a great mom, but I was actually exactly the mother our son and daughter needed.

Gina and her family

Get more of Gina Osher at www.TheTwinCoach.blogspot.com

Um, we have none, so we must turn this over to someone who knows about such things.  A request came in for us to make some recommendations for how to look like you’ve gotten a full night of sleep and haven’t had your skin and hair ravished by monstrous hormonal changes over a long period of months.

Susan Wagner, who normally blogs about fashion, did us the generous favor of responding with tips, grace and humor below, and isn’t she just the best?

Dear Rookie Moms,

I haven’t looked through the RM archives, but I’m wondering if you’ve done a post about post-baby beauty secrets. I’m talking the eye creams for the dark circles, the hair products for the newly limp hair post nursing, the 30-second make-up tricks for moms on the run. I’m sure there are many moms — like me — that could use your wise tips for not looking like a train wreck after two kids!

JK

Ah, the post baby days; nothing is better than bringing that wee little bundle of joy home with you. At least until you look in the mirror. Then maybe it’s not so great.

The first weeks home with a baby (and by “weeks” I mean “months and possibly years,” if we’re being honest) can take a toll on your looks. But it doesn’t have to be that way — there are some simple tricks that anyone can use to look better. Here are my three favorites.

The simplest way to keep yourself looking good is to take care of yourself. Eat right, drink lots of water, get as much sleep as you can, of course — but that’s not the end. Make time to wash your face every day; if your skin is in good shape, you won’t need a full face of make up to look good. Use a gentle face wash; I like Neutrogena’s Fresh Foaming Cleanser, which is gentle enough for any skin type). In the morning, follow up with a light moisturizer with SPF, always. A tinted moisturizer will give you a little color and coverage without any extra effort.

JK asked specifically about eye creams for dark circles. Try an eye cream with caffeine in it; the caffeine constricts the blood vessels around your eyes and reduces puffiness and dark circles. Eating an ounce a day of dark chocolate can also increase the blood flow to your skin and reduce dark circles (yes, really!).

What if you’re taking good care of your skin and yet you’re still looking tired and wan? Here’s my super quick morning secret: skip concealer, which often just highlights the flaws — instead, use a wee concealer brush to apply foundation only where you need it. I use foundation on my eyelids, to even out my skin tone, and under my eyes, for those dark circles; I’ll also apply a wee bit on any blemishes, because who needs that? And that’s it! Set the foundation on your eyes with a little powder; add some mascara and blush and you’re good to go. Seriously.

You don’t need a full face of makeup to take the baby to Gymboree; a few strategically applied products will make you look fresh and awake and pretty. And it will only take five minutes, promise.

JK also asked about post-baby hair; as with skin, take care of basic maintenance. Don’t skip hair cuts — it’s easier to style your hair when it’s healthy and the right length for your style. Plus, a hair cut is an hour to yourself, which is a good thing for everyone. Seriously.

In terms of day-to-day styling, the secret is that less is more. We all know how hard it can be to get a shower every day when you’re caring for a new baby; instead of worrying about washing your hair every day, use a dry shampoo to string your hair along one more day. My friend Sarah James (who is about to be a mom again herself, and who has the best hair ever) recommends Big Sexy Hair Volumizing Dry Shampoo. Spray it in and go. So simple — and so good for your hair, especially in the post-baby days.

And if all else fails, wear big sunglasses and hold the baby out in front of you. No one will even notice your hair or your dark circles. (You know I’m right.)

————————–

Do you have more beauty secrets to share?

Want more of Susan? She can be found at FridayPlaydate.com.

Hi there readers, we have another friend and reader email to share. This is what Jenny really said and what I told her. Sound off in the comments with your best tips and advice for maternity clothes shopping.

Dear Rookie Moms,
I know I should read the blog from beginning to end, but in the meantime, any maternity clothing tips to pass on??

I actually have a bella band that I bought on sale and love it since I’m able to still wear my jeans and not feel like I’m about to flash everyone. I also bought a few tops in a couple of sizes larger than normal so that they are longer and looser, one pair of cords 2 sizes up, and a couple of longer sweaters that I figure I will be able to wear next winter too. That stuff got me through the last couple of weeks without any breakdowns. But so far no true-blue maternity clothes (aside from the Bella Band and a pair of tights).

I was hoping that if I bought a great pair of maternity jeans that they would last me through the months, but what do you think?

Thanks,
Jenny (Not My Real Name)

Dear Jenny,
First, here’s a simple tip to save your sanity. As you outgrow maternity clothes, store them with the smallest on the bottom to the largest on top in a box or shelf so that as you lose the weight you don’t have to dig through everything again. Just work your way down.

But you’re on your way up, so here are some maternity clothes shopping tips learned the hard way:

1. Remember you are beautiful and gorgeous and your body is doing an amazing thing so try not to sweat it when you start getting larger and your pants and shirt can no longer cover your midsection. It can be a challenge, so I mention this up front.
2. Wear what you have. To extend the life of your pants, you can use a rubber band to fasten buttons for as long as that will last. There are also bra extenders so if the cups still fit you can wear them a little longer. Or did your boobs get huge immediately?
3. Bella bands are great for some people; they are a super wide spandexy belt that bridges the gap between your pants and your shirt. Very long undershirts could also do the job. Whitney loved hers. Me, not so much.
4. Beg. Borrow. Steal. Buying new maternity clothes can be a big waste of money. Try to borrow truck-fulls of maternity clothes from your friends then you can pick and choose some free basics and then buy some special pieces as you want them (Some stuff will look huge. Don’t give back what’s too dang enormous, just what you don’t like at all).
5. On jeans. The trouble is that you “deserve” nice jeans that make you look awesome and feel like a million bucks. In my case, I bought them for baby #2, outgrew them in two months. Bye bye $150. I have had so much angst finding great maternity jeans but I hope you don’t. Another idea is to buy jeans that you love and fit you early in your pregnancy (with a stretchy band) and hope you can wear them on the flip side.
6. High-class swap. There is a service/event in the bay area called maternity xchange, which is a high quality maternity clothes swap. If you’re a greenie, it would be good to find one in your area.
7. Go ahead and shop. Other than those sources, I shopped at mimi maternity (I kinda hate them, but they do provide a necessary service) on the sale rack and Target (the Liz Lange line is pretty great for basics) and also Gap Maternity online.

Good luck and tell us what you find that works for you!
Cheers,
Heather (My Real Name)

This installment of Dear Rookie Moms is a cheat sheet of Facebook etiquette for the grandparent set. Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dear Rookie Moms,
I’m a grandma and I’m on Facebook. But I just don’t get it. Every day, I see more and more of my friends as little pictures on the side. Sometimes, I see my kids and other times I can’t find them. It looks like fun, but I’m overwhelmed. How should I get started?

Love,
Grammy ToMyGrandkids

Dear Grammy,
I understand you’re just getting into Facebook so here are some some tips and etiquette to get you on your way. You can use Facebook for a lot of cool things and I think you’ll really enjoy it once you get the hang of it.

I’m going to talk about the way your share your personal information (Profile, Status, Photos), the way you communicate with other people (Wall, Messages), and how you find people in the first place.

Your “Profile” is a place to post public information about yourself

• Never post your phone number or full address.
• Birthdate is pretty standard to share, but its ok to leave the year off.
• Post a nice picture of your face as a profile picture as soon as you can figure out how to upload it. That will let your old pals know they’ve found the right Grammy ToMyGrandkids.

Your “Status” is a public forum to share your thoughts

• Post short thoughts and updates like “really enjoyed Julie & Julia”
• You can also share links to interesting articles that you find.
• Be cautious about sharing too much personal information here. Do not put “my husband is traveling for 3 weeks and I’m alone in the house”
• Keep it clean. Think about the kinds of things that are ok to share with former colleagues, bosses, ex-boyfriends, old friends, and your kids.

Photos give your friends a flavor for your life today

• A few good pictures will go a long way. Choose some of your favorites. Rotate them so nobody has to tilt their head to view properly.
• Take the lead from your kids as to whether they feel comfortable sharing pictures of your grandkids online. If so, upload one or two pictures of your grandkids so all your old friends can see how beautiful your family is. Update the pictures periodically.
• Share a few pictures of your fun hobbies and/or jobs. Grammy on waterskis? Awesome! Grammy on a sea kayak or wrestling alligators? Sweet! Grammy meeting Bono or touring in Namibia. Most excellent.

^ Back to Top ^

The “Wall” is a message board that all your friends can read

• Don’t post anything that is too private. Saying “congrats on your new baby Fred and Wilma” is good but “how was your rectal exam?” is crossing the line.
• Avoid sharing specifics about plans or details that exclude some of your friends. If you invite Tina to lunch, save that for a message (see below).
• Don’t write “you’re my favorite son” unless you only have one. Any message that is likely to hurt feelings should not go on the wall.

“Messages” are private like email

• Emails are about as private as a postcard. And Facebook messages are much like email.
• You can send a message to one or more people using your “Inbox” or “send Heather a message” link; it can be handier than digging up folks’ email addresses in your regular email application if everyone is on Facebook. If not, stick to email.
• Like email, it is just fine to send specific dates, details, exclusive party plans here. You won’t hurt anyone’s feelings by mentioning the Christmas party that not everyone’s invited to.
• Never send your SS# or credit card # over email or Facebook message.

Finding friends on Facebook is fun once you get going

• You can be Facebook friends with anyone you know, people you know really well or only a little.
• Facebook will make suggestions to you based on the friends of your friends, accept whomever you want. You can also ignore these requests. It might feel a little strange to receive these.
• One easy method to find friends is to search for people in the little search box up above. Thinking of your high school boyfriend? Type his name in and see if he’s online!
• You can also be proactive to find friends by importing your email address book — I suggest you do this with a helper because I’ve seen it go awry.
• Once you are “friends” with someone on Facebook, you can continue to use the search box to find them. Your friends should be in the top of the results list with other folks with the same name following.

Ok Grammy, that’s about all I have right now. I hope my little “grandma’s guide to Facebook etiquette” is enough to get you started. Let me know if you have more questions!

Good luck and have fun,
Heather

^ Back to Top ^

This Dear Rookie Moms edition is a hybrid of a few emails I’ve received to help grandmas get up to speed on Facebook. My mom and some friends joined Facebook a few months ago but haven’t done much with it. Until Now.

Please share your tips in the comments.

Dear Rookie Moms,

Thanks a bunch,
~A

About two years ago, I received this letter from a reader who had read a reference I made to the journey of trying to conceive. Although my husband can’t believe I spent the time to respond in depth to total strangers, I just couldn’t help myself. I felt her pain. I had been there, trying to conceive, googling embarrassing things every day of the month in hopes of finding new answers that would get me pregnant.

Here’s what I wrote to her.

Hi A,

You are not alone in your sadness and frustration over pregnancy not working out.

When you are ready to seek treatment, it’s great if you’ve already done some research so that you can be in control.

Here’s what I’d do if I were 27:

Have sex every other day from days 10-20 during your cycle where Day 1 is the first day of your period. Do this for three months. Use an ovulation kit to try to confirm you are ovulating and when. Do this for three more months. (Hopefully you will already be pregnant by this point.) If you are not getting a positive ovulation test by day 20, keep having sex every other day until your period comes. (If it doesn’t come by day 30, then do a preg test of course!)

If you are not yet pregnant, see your doctor and ask for blood work to more officially confirm you are ovulating. If you are not, s/he may recommend Clomid. If you are anxious to do something more than this, you could ask your doctor if s/he will do IUI for you. That is how we conceived our second child on the second round, after about 10 months of trying without help, and three cycles of Clomid without success. (Doctor puts your husband’s sperm right into your uterus with a catheter to increase chance of sperm and egg meeting.)

However, since you got pregnant before, there is a good chance you’ll get pregnant again. I would maybe ask your doctor to measure your progesterone level. People with low progesterone tend to miscarry, but for some reason doctors don’t seem to focus on this. When your next pregnancy starts, if your level is low, you might use progesterone supplements to help support the pregnancy until it’s stable. My doctor felt that low progesterone was why I didn’t get pregnant the first time until I started Clomid. Once I was pregnant, I used the progesterone supplements for about six weeks.

Also, I found the BabyCenter bulletin boards pretty comforting during my trying-to-conceive adventures. It was just nice to know that others were going through the same thing, and found encouragement as the people on the boards would achieve pregnancy.

Best of luck,

Whitney

Postscript: I recently learned that this reader is the new mother of twin girls. I am thrilled to know that her struggles ended happily. I wish I could bottle this good luck and sell it at Walgreen’s next to the ovulation kits.

Postscript II: Do you have a question for us? Reach us at moms @ rookiemoms.com

Postscript III: Who the hell are we to give advice? About us.

Hi there readers, this is an actual letter we received. And the actual response I sent back. Did I give crappy advice? Tell me in the comments. Care to send us your own question? Feel free!

Dear Rookie Moms,
I really enjoyed your little video of the 4 women wrestling with the decision of whether or not to have another kid. I’m 35, married for almost 10 years and my husband and I go back and forth about if we should have A kid. Not another, just one. We can see the glass empty and full with both options. Do you have any resources for couples grappling with this decision. I just feel kind of alone, there’s really nothing out there for couples trying to make a decision. Which I suppose is just how it is. I’m fully aware that it is in the end our decision, but it would be nice to have one blog or book for some other opinions.

~ Lisa in Oregon

Hi Lisa,
A few years ago, I ran across a blog/wiki that some people started to lay out the pros and cons of having a kid; I had hoped to link to it, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I used to not understand what it was like to be in your shoes and to totally “not know.” One of my very good friends was in a similar boat as yours (and I’d be happy to put you in touch); they married on the young side and just didn’t know. Year after year, they’d put off the deciding about whether or not they’d have kids. At some point, they did decide to and now they have a one year old.

I just did a quick google search and didn’t really find anything that was decent. Here are some of my thoughts and experiences:

For us, we already knew we wanted kids. And our first son came as a surprise, so we didn’t even have the luxury of deliberating our decision or kicking around the whens and whys of it. In hindsight, that may have been a good thing for us. We just had to roll with it. After the first one — and I’m not gonna sugarcoat it — was so hard and knocked us on our asses, we wanted to hurry up and have another before chickening out. For us, that all made sense. And, you can make up your mind all you want to but God/Mother Nature can have totally different plans. Anyway, that’s a long way of sharing our own journey that brings me to where I’m just not sure… we go back and forth. With the recession, joblessness looming, and a huge remodel, our talks kinda went on hold. I think we’re actually both leaning toward the idea, but just not yet.

So, blah blah blah… what I can say is that having a baby will change your life. Do you want your life to change? Do you want to have a little person in your home? Do you notice yourself having baby fever or staring a little too long when you see one passing you by on the sidewalk? Do you want to have a child in your home in a couple years? Do you want to have a teenager around soon after that? Do you imagine that when you’re an old couple that you’ll have older children to come around once in a while and fill your house with noise, chaos, and laughter? If you think YES, then you probably ought to go for it. If you and your husband disagree, then you probably want to wait.

If instead, you really want to be able to travel, eat out, wear fancy clothes, go to rock concerts at the drop of a hat (or hiking, horseback riding, whatever you’re into), and never adjust your career or your standard of living to the needs of a child… you might be perfectly happy and fulfilled not going down that path.

I do think that too much research or too much information might not help matters. I see another one of my best friends — who has long wanted to be a mother — basically freaking out because she sees her friends go through it and gets spooked. I tell her that it will all work out (because it always does) and that there will be bumps but she has a great support system to help her.

You could try the Dr. Phil method of pretend for one week that you definitely definitely want a child and then a second week where you definitely definitely don’t want children and see which feels more natural.

It also helps if you have an excellent relationship with your husband already. And if you’re both more-or-less on the same page with the decision.

If you choose to have a baby, it will be hard at times and wonderful at times… and eventually, you won’t be able to imagine your life any other way.

If you choose not to have a baby, you may also have an amazingly full life with family and friends and hobbies and a flat stomach.

Good luck!
Heather