Month 6

I love being a mom. Of course I do. Would I spend this much time blogging and writing a book about enjoying motherhood if I didn’t strongly identify with my momness?

I freely admit, however, that this new hobby job role does take away from my pre-mom hobbies, including the hobby that was my husband and his hobbies.  I no longer go to live music with him. (You’re going to show that starts at 10? Great! Have fun with that!)  I have reduced my offers to host barbecues by about 90%. (Extra grocery trip and clean up? No thanks.)  I could go on, but I don’t want you to start thinking I’m a selfish loser.

I am not a selfish loser, but I am tired, and distracted with details of keeping tabs on the baby nail clippers and making sure there is always milk in the house.  Lame? Maybe.  But I’d guess I’m not alone.  Anyone else feeling oppressed by having to check in with their partner before they take a shower?

My friend Erika, author of The Real Deal Guide to Pregnancy, is embarking on a new project that addresses this situation. She seeks to document how having kids impacts a marriage, and promises to share the results with the world in a book that is yet to be titled.  If you and your partner are willing to INDEPENDENTLY take an extremely confidential survey about life as a couple with children, she’d like to hear from you.

In Erika’s own words: When I became a mom I was floored by how little I’d heard about the everyday challenges that couples face while attempting to maintain a relationship and raise children. Once I joined the club and started sharing my frustrations, however, close friends with kids freely spilled the beans and I learned that our family was not alone in our struggle to find balance and an overall sense of peace in our new roles. Their confessions got me wondering…Why aren’t we openly discussing these realities so that we can support, empathize with, and help each other as we embark on one of life’s most worthy challenges?

She wants me to also say that in order to protect the privacy of contributors and create an environment that is safe for complete honesty, all answers will remain confidential, unattributed, and unrelated to partner’s comments in the book and in general.

If you are up for it, send her the info below via email at erika @ therealdealguide.com. Your contribution promises to help thousands of parents better understand, accept, and appreciate the lives they are leading.

First name:
Last name or initial:
City of residence:
Number of children:
Age of child(ren):
Email address of parent 1:
Email address of parent 2:

Go to baby time at your library. Space out while someone else entertains your baby with a new voice and stories.

Here are the Berkeley options. “Baby Bounce and Toddler Time” is for 6 - 36 month olds:

• North Berkeley Branch: 10:15 on Mondays
• South Branch: 10:30 on Tuesdays
• Berkeley Central Library: 10:15 am and 11 am on Wednesdays
• West Branch: 10: 00 on Fridays (first 3 of the month only)
• Claremont Branch: 10:15 on Saturdays

Double check the time before you go. And, hey, be on time. If you’re 5 minutes late, you’ll miss half of it.

Both of us Rookie Moms have parents who were divorced before we were in pre-school, and both of us want to have long epic marriages that last for 50 or 70 years (long after our diaper-wearing boys are out of the house). In that vein, here are some of our best tips for looking out for your marriage:

• Go on dates. Figure out the childcare thing and make it happen. Aim for once a week. Commit to every other week.
• Have little impromptu dates at home once the baby is in bed. Light a candle. Try to make a souffle. Have fun with it.
• Have more sex. My friend’s OB told her that if you have sex three times a week for three weeks in a row, it will totally kickstart your libido. From my informal polling, that seems about right. Try it for yourself. The Top Five Parental Sex Aids according to dadcentric may give you some ideas too.
• Be ok with a little counseling. Baby makes three was a huge freaking adjustment for my household and if the same is true for you, it’s ok to find a family or couples counselor to talk through your newfound issues. A mom’s group can also be a big help for the slightly-less-traumatized.
• Have something interesting to say once in a while. Read a non-parenting book, turn on NPR, eavesdrop on the interesting people in your neighborhood cafe.

I’d like to sum up with the words of wisdom our friend Julie told us right before Whitney got married, “Marriage is not 50/50, it’s more like 90/10, sometimes you’re the 90 and sometimes you’re the 10″ so deal with it.