When I was a brand new mommy, I was lucky that my best friend had a baby of her own. Whitney seemed to have all the answers and didn’t mind if I talked about sleep, swaddles, and nursing… A Lot! The day I returned from the hospital, she dropped off some witch hazel and teeny hand-me-downs. Though she forgot a few of the specifics around my hour-by-hour and day-by-day worries, I couldn’t have asked for a better friend.

The importance of having parent friends (who can sympathize, empathize, and not get sick of all the stuff you say about baby minutia) cannot be overstated. I hope you can find that too.

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This video was made by KidsInTheHouse. They paid for video production (and our pretty makeup) but we were otherwise not compensated by participating. See On-demand parenting advice for more info.

I was separated from my first baby, Julian, for the first hour or two of his life. While I was incredibly curious to see him again — this person whose very existence I had invented now existed in the real world! –  I guess I was also very patient. I don’t remember being overcome with anxiety in the way I would have been six months later if I was hanging out at a hospital and my baby boy was being tended to in a separate room. When we were reunited I was excited to get on with my mothering duties, to attempt nursing, to check out his body parts, and to begin memorizing his face.

If he was laying in the nursery among a heap of other 3-hour old babies, would I recognize him? I didn’t think so.

It struck me in the first few days that I wasn’t head over heels in love. I was proud. I was protective. I wanted to do everything I could for him, but it wasn’t the insta-love feeling I was expecting.

Yesterday, Jennifer commented on the post Stuff Newborn Moms Should Know, “I wish someone told me that I may not bond with my baby right away. I didn’t dislike him, but he just seemed like someone else’s baby at first…”

This resonated with me. I wasn’t worried that we weren’t bonded, and today my big boy couldn’t be more bonded to me, but I did remember thinking on the day following his birth, “Why don’t have have the instinct to kiss this baby? I am his mother!”

When my friend David, a writer and father to twin boys, published this (must-read for expectant dads) essay about feeling a primal protective instinct upon meeting his babies more than affection for them, I saw how many readers were comforted by hearing that someone else did not feel lost in a Hallmark card of joy and beaming emotion.

What his writing made me realize is that I felt something much closer to instant love with my daughter, my second born.

I didn’t take Quantitative Methods of Sociology for nothing — well, maybe I did to satisfy a math requirement — and I quickly identified three differences between meeting my son and meeting my daughter. 1. My son was born via C-section; my daughter born vaginally; 2. My son is a male child; my daughter female; and 3. My son made me a mother; my daughter was born to a woman who already understood what being a mother feels like. And this third reason is where I find my explanation.

I had already experienced parental love, two-and-a-half years worth, when Scarlett was born. It was at times the cavewoman style that David described, but it was also the Hallmark type, and the type that makes parents feel heart-wrenching empathy for all other parents. You know what I’m talking about: every news story about a missing child becomes your child. You have nightmares about Tsunamis just from watching the preview of a movie in which a family gets swept away from one another.

Once you’re in the club, there’s no turning back. You’re a lifer. So let me suggest that loving your own child is like riding a bicycle. Acquire that muscle memory, and it comes easily at each new opportunity.

… bzzzjhhh

Some of the best pre-baby advice I ever got (that I actually took) was along the lines of playing white noise or static to calm a fussy baby. In the olden days of our own infancy, our parents may have run a vacuum or put us on the dryer, but living in energy-conscious Berkeley, you can’t do that stuff all night long.

As recommended by my friend Lori, we started out (even in the hospital) by playing a groovy, new agey Transitions cd that simulates womb sounds. This “music” is so powerful that it should not be used while driving because it causes grown people to zonk out immediately. Coupled with sleep deprivation and the confusion of a newborn, we had to move away from that cd after a few weeks because of our hallucinations. Seriously, if you’re having trouble with your sleep, this shite will knock you out.

Our next attempt was a very mellow, plain discovery to play “pink noise” for Holden while sleeping. At the time, we downloaded the sound from this site and play it continuously through the night on a loop. Rookie Dad, Alec, created a one-hour version of this (he did some fancy editing). Now, you can get a cheap white noise app that does the exact same thing plus a few more choices. I like the app for travel and we use it in our very small nursery on an old iPod.

In the meantime, Whitney invested in this Homedics sound machine to play the white noise for her son (and replace the need to tie up the mp3 player looping static all the time) and I watched cautiously before committing to a solution that cost money. Once I finally purchased this $20 solution, we ran it for years and years. It does not travel well but does everything else — like play a few versions of relaxing muffling sounds — perfectly.

We love playing the droning buzz of these machines so much that we love to let other new moms know the secret. It’s on our registry top picks and in our book, Stuff Every Mom Should Know.

Are you a white noise lover? What’s your device?

If I were a lady at Downton Abbey, my wishes would be obeyed with great haste. Food and nurslings could be summoned with a tasteful ringing of a bell and sent away with the same simplicity.

Instead, I live in the real world where I was a demanding and hormonal hot mess without the courage or words to ask for what I truly wanted. If only Anna had been around to read my mind and care for me.

Since I’m a mother blogger, inclined to take notes and stash them away for later reference, I had the “presence of mind” to write down how I wished people would treat me. I also had goals for how I wanted to spend my time with my newborn (but still not the manners or voice to ask for these things appropriately). Uhh, what’s wrong with this picture?

These opinions are raw, unfiltered, and TRUE. I might try to deny them if you corner me, but the fact is that I wrote this list when my third son was one-week old.

The stuff I wish my parents and in-laws (or household staff!) would do for me in a perfect world:

• Cook all my favorites without me having to shop or meal plan or think about it at all.
• Play with my big boys and help them feel special and cherished.
• Dishes!
• Fold the laundry and put it away.
• Keep my house tidy or make it tidy.
• Go away when I want space.
• Change all the diapers unless I feel like it.
• Leave the TV off unless I want to watch.

Wow, I’m a bitch.

First week goals.

Because I have done this baby thing before, my plans are realistic:

• Short walks each day. Go after a feeding and stick within a block or two, so I don’t even need a diaper bag, which I am not mentally ready to assemble.
• Nursing support group. Yes, I’ll need to face packing a diaper bag and getting myself there, but my nipples can hang out freely.
• Nap around the clock.

The end.

Did you also want everyone to simultaneously help you out and get out of your way? What would you add to my list of unspoken goals and desires for the hormonal roller coaster first week?

photos: newborn, Heather Flett; Anna from Downton Abbey, ITV

The teeny tiny bubble wrap is perfect as a physical outlet for moms trying not to scream at their kids. (Confession: I have done this dozens of times)

This is how it works:

1. Get frustrated or annoyed to the point of wanting to scream.
2. Gently, set baby in crib or other safe place.
3. Walk over to the desk with the little bubble wrap.
4. Squeeze and pop until everything is funny again.

I learned this little trick from a post-partum stress class, so it must be true, right? Ripping tissues should also work but won’t have that satisfying snap-snap sound.

Susan Brink, a journalist and grandmother of six, has authored a new book called The Fourth Trimester: Understanding, Protecting, and Nurturing an Infant Through the First Three Months. After hearing about her research, I asked her, “What is the deal with newborns? Why are they so fussy and floppy? And how is it possible to love someone who has never even smiled at you?”

Though she dodged my question, what she said was pretty interesting:

Yes, you were expecting a wide-eyed, chubby cheeked baby, and instead you have been presented with a toothless and wrinkled newborn that looks more like your great-grandparent than the little cherub you imagined for nine long months. With all due respect to newborns, science tells us they arrive somewhat half-baked. The first three months of life is a time of transition from the womb to the world, a fourth trimester of development.

Here are some surprising facts about newborn life that may help you to understand why this not-quite-ready-for-prime-time infant can be so difficult.

1. About 75% of brain development takes place after birth. Newborn humans are the least neurologically developed animals on earth, arriving with 25% of their brains developed, compared to, say, apes, who arrive with half their brains developed.
2. Some 100 billion neurons, or brain cells, are formed in the baby’s brain during pregnancy, but it’s only after birth that the brain connections, or synapses, begin to form. The infant brains begin the work of pruning away the brain cells not needed and establishing connections among those that will be needed. So when you coo, cuddle and comfort a baby, the brain connections responding to loving behavior will endure. Abusive behavior, like screaming, neglecting or striking a baby, cause brain connections that respond to stress to take hold. The brain pathways that are repeatedly used, even as early as the fourth trimester, are protected.
3. Every interaction you have with your newborn helps to build those brain connections. Smiling, cooing, feeding, singing, soothing are quite literally helping to form the person your baby will be.
4. Adult brains are hard-wired to be attracted to the very traits that infants possess: waiflike eyes, chubby cheeks, rosy mouths. Looking at those characteristics, scientists have found, trigger activity in the reward centers of our brains and result in a nurturing response. Those hard-wired reactions are strong and deep enough to help us overcome non-stop wailing and our own sleep deprivation and provide the care the infant needs.

“Hang in there,” writes Susan. “Your baby is well equipped to develop with your loving attention. Soon enough, you’ll be rewarded with the first smile—a smile that shows you that love is flowing in both directions.”

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Thank you Susan. To find out more about Susan’s research, find her book on Amazon.

Like many new moms, Suzanne Barston struggled to breastfeed her firstborn son. Despite support from her husband, consultations with lactation consultants, and a strong will to make it work, it simply did not work. As much as I would like to report that she was able to shrug it off, start a blog called FearlessFormulaFeeder.com, and move on, it was not that simple.

The disappointment, embarrassment, and guilt that came from her frustrating infant-feeding journey is a complex issue. She DID start a blog called Fearless Formula Feeder where women can share their stories and support one another, and now, she has published a book: Bottled Up: How the way we feed babies has come to define motherhood, and why it shouldn’t.

I couldn’t agree more with Suzanne that this is a topic worth the study she’s made of it. Part memoir, part sociocultural essay, Bottled Up addresses the position moms are put in when they read that breastfeeding is “the most important thing a mother can do for her baby,” and they cannot do it.

Whether due to physiological reasons, work, an intentional decision or not, formula feeding is perceived as an inferior path, as a lack of dedication to one’s baby.

For medical reasons, I was not allowed to breastfeed my son for ten days. The whole time, I felt like I wasn’t a real mom. I felt a heavy embarrassment in the hospital when I asked for formula, like I had to tell the story of all my blood work to every nurse so that they wouldn’t think I was uninformed. When I attended my first new mom support group, I felt grateful that my humiliating bottle-feeding phase was behind me, and then felt terrible for judging myself so harshly.

I thank Suzanne for opening dialog on this topic and for allowing me to share this excerpt of her book:

To be clear: this is not an anti-breastfeeding book.  I think breastfeeding is an amazing thing, and I’ve seen it work very well for many of my friends. But this book is not for people who are trying to breastfeed– there’s already a plethora of great books on that subject, and more to come, I’m sure. This book is for the parents who wanted to breastfeed and couldn’t; women who are conflicted about nursing and want to make a truly informed decision about what to do with their bodies; breast-feeding advocates and care providers who are willing to listen to the myriad reasons that women may choose not to nurse; and for people who are curious about the other side of this worldwide baby-feeding frenzy.

Mostly, though, this book is for the woman who is in tears, with cracked nipples and a screaming baby whom she can’t mother because she is constantly hooked up to a pump, who wants so badly to quit breastfeeding and finds nothing but fear-and-guilt-inducing literature every where she turns… I hope this book will help her sit beside her breastfeeding friends, free from insecurity and judgment. I hope that it can inform a discussion which ultimately allows all women to feed their babies with pride, whether they are nourishing their babies from their breasts or from a bottle held in their hands, and that, ultimately, all women will have the freedom to find their own formula for good mothering.

> Find Bottled Up on Amazon.
> Read the posts on Fearless Formula Feeders

If you have the book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth then don’t be a sucker and buy Your Fussy Baby like I did. YFB is entirely included in HCHB. And I know this because I read both of them cover to cover when I had a super fussy baby.

When my first baby cried a lot, it was stressful and crazy-making. I had been told by people whom I trusted that six weeks was the “peak of fussiness” so when he was off-the-hook screamy at five and a half weeks, I broke down and bought the second book. (A remarkably similar thing happened with my third baby only I could instantly order with my mobile phone in the middle of the night rather than drive to the book store with my hair and clothes a mess!)

Don’t get me wrong. I love Dr. Weissbluth’s advice and techniques — pretty much everything about him except his editing skills. He is rock solid. He provides tangible steps that you can follow and reassuring words that this will not be your life forever.

Imagine my surprise when, after reading the entirety of Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, I felt that we needed to escalate to Dr. Weissbluth’s other book, more specifically addressing fussy babies, and cracking it open to learn that I had read every single word of advice already. Brilliant marketing, Doctor.

Bottom line: Buy the bigger book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and you’ll have his expert hand-holding all the way up through your child’s teen years rather than just the first three months.

The book, Bringing Up Bebe, by writer (and mother) Pamela Druckerman made a splash upon its release, most of which was related to the theme of social behavior.  Why do French children eat like adults? Everyone wants to know. How do I get my kids to exercise good manners and accept foods with a variety of  textures and sauces? When will I be able to have an adult conversation without interruption?

Well yes, I want answers to these questions as well, but what I thought might be most helpful to rookie moms in a summary of this book comparing French and American styles of parenting was the portion about sleep.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the book, so you know where the author is coming from. She is an American living in Paris, having married a British man and given birth to a daughter.

Why was it, for example, that in the hundreds of hours I’d clocked at French playgrounds, I’d never seen a child (except my own) throw a temper tantrum? Why didn’t my French friends ever need to rush off the phone because their kids were demanding something? Why hadn’t their living rooms been taken over by teepees and toy kitchens, the way ours had? Soon it became clear to me that quietly and en masse, French parents were achieving outcomes that created a whole different atmosphere for family life… I decided to figure out what French parents were doing differently. Why didn’t French children throw food? And why weren’t their parents shouting?

The answer to all these questions turns out to be wrapped up in one concept: Waiting. Patience. Timing.

The author observes that in every aspect of socializing their children, what the French seem to do differently than Americans is take a beat. Take. A. Beat.

Rather than engaging their children in a cycle of negotiation in which the child learns that crying or whining will grab their parent’s attention and open a dialogue through which the child has an opportunity to bend the parent to his or her will, the French teach their children patience.

They demonstrate that the adult conversation will be concluded before the child can have the floor. They do not give out bags of finger foods at all hours of the day: French children learn to wait for snack time. A little hunger is an acceptable human sensation. Instant gratification is not a priority.

Children learn patience by practicing it.

Ok, so this might all be obvious to you. If we allow our children to be self-centered and whiny, they will have little motivation to behave any other way. If we teach them that tantrums capture our attention, they will use that tool as necessary. Got it. We’ve all got it.

Waiting and Infant Sleep

But when my first little bundle of joy arrived, I wasn’t worried about behavior modification. Babies just need what they need, right? Milk, sleep, human contact, sleep, and dry clothing. And sleep.

Wait, what about that sleep thing? If they need so much damn sleep, why do they have such a hard time falling asleep? And why do they wake up so frequently?

This is the bit of the book I wanted to share. According to the author, it is American parents who expect sleep deprivation in early parenthood. French parents expect the baby to begin “doing his nights” as they say in French, very quickly.

How does this happen? What do they know that we don’t know?

French parents observe their babies, explains Druckerman. They wait a moment. They take a pause. Frazzled new mom Druckerman notes this habit in the park where she sees moms and nannies not responding quite so quickly to baby-fussing that would inspire her to take immediate action. And she’s annoyed by it.

But she learns through her research that there may be something to The Pause.

A baby who cries out in his sleep may settle himself, but we parents can only learn this if we pause to observe the baby, rather than running to scoop him up out of his crib, possibly jostling him all the way awake and then needing to soothe him back to sleep.

Dr. Michel Cohen, who is sort of a celebrity pediatrician in New York City and whose medical degree was obtained in France, tells Druckerman the same thing when she interviews him.

No one ever pointed it out to me, either, and I think it’s a valuable tip.

Does this perspective bring anything new to you?

Note: You can read most of the “Doing her nights” chapter by clicking the “Search inside this book” link on the Amazon page for Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting. Also? Random House sent me this book in an Audio CD format. I listened to it in the car.

Related: French Kids Eat Everything, a book in a similar vein that focuses solely on eating.

Our mothers might swear by clothes dryers and vacuum cleaners, but I found that my yoga ball was a great tool to soothe my crying baby. Sit on it, holding swaddled baby, and bounce to a consistent rhythm.

If you don’t have a yoga ball, sit on the edge of your bed and bounce while you hold the baby. If someone is visiting and wants to help soothe the baby, show them this trick and then go get yourself a hot shower so that you don’t eavesdrop.

Our friend, Karen, (formerly known as Auntie Karen, now rookie mom Karen) blew us away with these pictures of her son’s first three months in custom onesies that she made in minutes.

Baby Laz is wearing a dot for each month of his age (1 dot = 1 month old, get it?) and laying around on their coordinated rug from Crate and Barrel and relaxing on the living room chair.

Click to enlarge because, so cute.

This is how she did it:

I used Marvy Uchida fabric markers and Gerber onesies – both from Amazon.

I just freehand drew the circles. It’s permanent so I can save the onesies for the next kid. I edited the photos in iPhoto so they’d be kind of the same size.

Next time I’d try to do him closer to birth for the first one, with a blank onesie, but not sure how realistic that would be. I plan to do it for at least a year, maybe longer if he will put up with it! Obviously will be more dramatic as he gets bigger and bigger but I still can’t believe how skinny his legs were at 1 month!!

Related posts:

• Take photos to show growth
• Reader did-do: Monthly chair photos
• Timestamp a baby photo
• Photoshop your memories

Have you done any clever photo series to show your baby’s growth? We’d love to see them.

Thank you, Karen and Laz!

Hey there rookie moms and dads, I want you to think about your most vulnerable moments as a new or expecting parent. We all have them. Did you hire help in the form of an in-home baby nurse or doula? How did you know what you didn’t know? I was so lucky with my rookie baby that my sister was my birth doula, but after that I was pretty much on my own struggling alongside of RookieDad Alec to figure it out on the job.

Rate your baby nurse is a new website that allows parents to rate infant caregivers, doulas, and night nurses to help the other families trying to hire the right person.

The site’s founder, Melissa, had a truly frustrating experience hiring such a person when she was superpregnant with her daughter. She found the experience of hiring an in-home newborn nurse fraught with stress and mystery and was let down by one particularly unreliable nurse. She created a website for parents to exchange information to help the next parents in her shoes.

Did you love your baby nurse or doula? Share your personal experiences to pay it forward to other new parents struggling to choose a baby nurse. Currently available to residents of US and Canada.

You can follow @RateUrBabyNurse on twitter to find out more.