Today is my birthday. Yes, thank you; I know… it’s great!
I spent the day dodging 3 and 4 year-olds at a massive Pump it Up! party in deep Oakland. It was pretty fun and I enjoyed the bouncy houses, obstacle courses, and tall speedy slides as much as any of the wee ones. In fact, since the mini birthday boy shunned his crown, I also grabbed the birthday crown and posed in the throne. But that’s not what I want to talk about… I’m just setting context here.
You see, birthday parties in my son Holden’s preschool have become the “invite the whole class” affairs that I’ve been dreading. Last year, Holden had a cheap birthday party (and it was also small, tasteful, fun!). This year, I don’t know how to manage the birthday party politics.
My questioning started in January (gosh, was that only 2 months ago?!) when one after another, his classmates started turning four and, like clockwork, they’d invite the whole class plus a few bonus friends. But last week, two of the kids accidentally planned a party on the SAME DAY causing all kinds of apologies and chaos. This duo of parties is next week and I’m still not sure if we’ll go to one or both (since they’re both during naptime!).
To avoid creating the same dilemma for our own kids, a mom of Holden’s classmate reached out to me to double check her daughter’s party date: May 10th. She went a step further and offered that we could co-host a joint birthday party.
So, I’m wondering: is it better to co-host a huge party? Throw a huge party on my own? Or stick to my guns with a small party?
I guess I’m leaning toward sharing the joy and cost of the dress-up-princess-superhero themed party with puppet show and face-painting that Lia’s mom is already planning. But I also really hate to raise the bar (and associated expectations and costs) so high.
What do you think, internets? What would you do for your own kids? What would you hope your mama would do for you?
I am a nursery school teacher and usually we see all class parties, but in the last two years we have been seeing smaller ones to keep life easier for both the parents and the child. The hype can become overwhelming for young children and can lead to melt downs. Many people believe that an age appropriate party is to invite the number of children that your child is turning. In order to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings (even for those who can’t attend the larger parties) we ask the children to refrain from talking about parties and play dates at school. My students are remarkably good at this and understand the thought behind it. Most importantly try to enjoy whatever party you opt for; if you’re having fun, they’ll have fun.
I think a large party is unnecessary. Hosting 11 classmates, plus any family friends, easily adds up to 40 people if each kid has one or two parents and some have siblings. I don’t think I’m cheap, and I will happily spend $150 on food and drinks to host a crowd of friends and family for my kids’ birthday, but this usually means a party at a playground or backyard. Adding a bouncy house, or the expectation of hired entertainment or a rented facility brings you to a whole new level in terms of budget, and worse, sets an expectation in your peer group that this is what is required. Maybe you gotta roll like that in Manhattan, but let’s keep it a little more crunchy over here in Cali.
Hi. I’m a long time reader of your blog. And am finally preggo with twin girls of my own. I dunno, I think a massive party is crazy in terms of price, planning, energy etc. I don’t think your little one will miss out. I do not remember my 4th b-day party, lol. I’ll probably stick to having intimate gatherings with good friends and family. I think this is more sane for mamma-bear too. Love your blog!
I ran into this with both of my kids. What I finally did (after the third mortgage in order to finance the “invite everyone” birthday party) was ask the pre-school if they would publish a directory for each class. I offered to help and they went for it!!! Can you believe it?? So, I invited his best friend, his cousins, his neighborhood friends and bucked the system! No invitations went out at the daycare, I simply used my directory to call the mommy of choice.
This “invite everyone” philosophy will continue all through elementary school but what I am finding is that the parents are getting savvy. Now, there is an unspoken rule that moves through the parents like a whisper; If they are not friends, don’t come!
I would go for the separate party and edit the list. I have twin boys (now 7) . When they were younger I met many moms with twins which meant our birthday lists got large pretty quick. We have a small house with a small backyard and I adore the “at home” party so we always had to edit the list. Since we could not accommodate “the whole class”, I always brought in treats, made birthday crowns and planned a special story or project in my kids’ preschool when it was their birthday. My boys and I considered this the party they celebrated with everyone.
I know there have been a few times my sons were not invited to classmates birthday party because of numbers or it was a small party for just girls and we got the kids together for a play at the park or afternoon ice cream treat on another day.
I think birthday parties are pretty special and so unique to each kid and family, I am not so fond of combining them. My sons have also been specific about the themes of their parties since they were 3 and always loved getting involved in the planning of the event and the details. Some years, editing the list is more stressful than others and I have remember to breathe and remind myself of my limits of what I can take on. I find most parents relieved of the obligation to invite everyone or attend every party.
If family is in town for the birthday event, see if you can sneak away that evening with just your husband. A good way to unwind after all the fun and stress!
Thanks for the tips and perspective. I do believe that in terms of inviting the preschool or elementary class you need to invite a “clear minority” or the “whole dang class” so I think we’ll revert back to a clear minority this year.
Yay! congratulations on twin-girls-to-be. I’m sure they will rock your world. In mostly a good way.
I have twin girls who just turned 5. For their 4th, we did do the invite the whole class thing. This year we didn’t have a party at all. Their birthday was a Sunday, and we planned a super family day for them–Balloons and a favorite breakfast before we went to the North Carolina Zoo for the day. Each girl picked a birthday present from the gift shop. Came home to cupcakes and more singing, skype calls with family and went to bed exhausted and happy. They totally loved it.
For those planning a “clear minority party” please think hard about it. There was one of those in the preschool this fall and my girls heard about it at school Monday and asked me “why didn’t we go to Liza’s party yesterday” when I picked them up. I was caught off-guard since I hadn’t known about it and said, well it must have been a small party. Apparently most of the girls in the class were invited, along with a number of non-school girls, but none of the boys and 3 girls (2 of them mine). It took weeks for them to stop talking about it both at home and at school and I know the teacher was trying to help everyone get past it.